“It should never have happened,” Kestrel said. “To you, I mean, Clementine.”
I said, really loud, that I was done with everyone feeling guilty, really fucking done with it, that I needed to move on and I wished everyone wouldstop talking about it.
And they were all quiet and very still, and I could feel how tense their muscles had gotten.
“It’s only, sweetheart,” said Lazarus, “that’s not how it works.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t get over a thing just because you want to, Imean,” said Lazarus.
“To be really honest,” said Kestrel, “you don’t ever get over it.”
Now, it was my turn to tense. What? Never? But I was fine. I wastotallyfine. The rape had been brief and I’d been dissociated whenever it happened and it hadn’t been that big of a deal, and I sure as hell wasn’t thinking about it whenever I had sex with my mates, at least until they brought it up, which they seemed to want to do constantly. I clenched my hands into fists. “Whatever,” I said.
Kestrel kissed whatever part of me he could kiss, which happened to be my upper arm. “Sorry, baby girl,” he said softly. “Regardless, what I was going to say is that it shouldn’t have happened, but that, uh, it did. Everyone would have understood if you left, but I’m stupidly fucking grateful you stayed. You don’t… have to, but I guess you know that. And if you ever do want to go—”
“Oh, my God!” I exploded, lifting my fists. “It’s just, you guys, it’s been so much worse for you. The things all of you have gone through are seriously nothing compared to whatever happened to me and—”
“It’s not like that either,” said Lazarus.
“I’m just saying, can we stop with all of that, please? As a favor to me.”
They were quiet again.
I sighed heavily. “Let’s just sleep.”
“Well, um, there is just this other thing,” said Kestrel. “But it’s about Paladin. That okay, Clementine?”
Now, I felt stupid. I unclenched my fists and mumbled that I was sorry, and Paladin pulled me close and I put my face into his shoulder.
“I know,” said Paladin. “I know I should have figured out a way to stop it.”
“No, that’s not what I was going to say,” said Kestrel. “No, fuck no, Paladin, we’d all be dead if it weren’t for you.”
“Definitely don’t take that on yourself,” agreed Lazarus. “No, uh, Paladin, Kestrel and I were talking and we feel like…”
“We owe you an apology,” said Kestrel.
“What?” Paladin was clearly shocked. “What are you talking about?”
“We used you,” said Lazarus to Paladin. “Both of us, all the time, to various degrees, and you were… not in your right head.”
Paladin made some noise in the back of his throat.
“I mean, we did it during sex, you and me,” said Kestrel. “I facilitated you doing whatever weird psychological regression thing you were doing, I helped you do it, Imadeyou—”
“You didn’t make me,” said Paladin in a tight voice.
“And I just went along with it,” said Lazarus. “He told me you wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, and I didn’t speak up or say that maybe you needed to deal with it or—”
“Well, okay, because you were dealing with your shit so elegantly,” said Paladin sarcastically.
“Exactly,” said Lazarus. “I didn’t feel like I had a leg to stand on.”
“And now, what did happen?” said Paladin. “Because you’re different, Lazarus.”
“Kestrel has a magic penis,” said Lazarus, and I could hear the smile in his voice.