“No,” said Kestrel.
She winced.
“Fuck,” said Kestrel. He pointed at me. “You wanted me to lead this pack, didn’t you?”
“There a reason you’re asking me this?” I said. “You know that I did.”
“Because you don’t trust yourself,” said Kestrel to me, pointedly.
I sighed heavily. “I’m just saying—”
“You’re so guilty about what happened to Marissa.”
“Marina,” I corrected, nostrils flaring.
“So, what do you think happens to Clementine?” said Kestrel, gesturing to her. “At least it was quick for Marina. Just you, just your cock, just your claws, your teeth. Think how long Clementine will be forced to serviceallof Griff’s men while we are alldead.”
Oh, man, that was hitting below the belt. I only stared at him, not saying a fucking word. If I spoke, I’d say something I regretted, maybe about that girl he’d told me about, the one he sneaked over the wall to spy on that one time, the one who he watched get fucked by her boyfriend through her window while he jerked off. The one who didn’t even know his name, who had never known his name. I knew how to hurt him, too, if it came down to it. I just wasn’t going to do it.
“You know this about him?” continued Kestrel, only now he was talking to Clementine. “You know that Lazarus killed his pregnant girlfriend during his first shift?”
I shut my eyes, bowing my head.
Clementine’s hand shot out and took mine. “I’m so sorry,” she breathed. “My mother got killed that night, too.”
I pulled my hand out of hers, horrified. “How can you be here with us?”
“I don’t know,” she said, looking around the table. “But I know you’ll never hurt me.”
“We’ve already hurt you,” said Kestrel. “I watched the wounds heal up while I was thrusting into you.”
“You know what I mean,” she said.
“I know that I’m the leader,” he said, touching his chest. “I make the decisions. And Daddy says, ‘No, sorry, boys, we cannot have a mate.’” He got up from the table, shaking his head. He gulped down the rest of his coffee and set the mug down. “Get her out of here, okay?” Then he stalked out of the room.
12
clementine
“I’LL TALK TOhim,” Paladin was saying. “I’ll get him to change his mind. You, too, Lazarus, right?”
I looked at Lazarus, who seemed entirely closed off now. “Hey, look, I don’t really understand how it works, but you said that things are muted, that you don’t have control during a shift, so that means it wasn’t really you who did that.”
“It was me,” said Lazarus curtly.
“But—”
“I raped her to death. I had a fucking orgasm while she was bleeding out,” he said. “I did it, and while I was doing it, I liked it.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You’re a tithe,” he said. “You heal better than she did.” He finished his coffee in one long swig and then went over to put the mug in the sink. He took Kestrel’s mug, too. He set them in there, ran water over them, and then walked out of the room without giving me another look.
I was shaken, and I had to admit it.
“Don’t worry,” said Paladin. “The night of the Change was different. Neither Kestrel nor I killed anyone during our first shift.”
“That was because we knew better what the signs were, though, right?” I said. “For shifts now, we know that wolveswon’t attack blood family, that if you surround them with men or female family members, they won’t mount and fuck anything. I imagine that’s why you didn’t do anything.”