Page 114 of Stags

Now, he was thoroughly confused. He tried to say something.

She was talking again. “It’s all so awful. He said that I shouldn’t tell you, and I think he might be right, but I don’t know how to keep it from you. What we have together, what I liked about it, was that we were so honest and vulnerable with each other. You made me feel safe in that way. So, it’s all going to end now, but I couldn’t be with you even if I didn’t tell you, because I can’t lie to you.”

“What are you talking about? When did you meet Bruin?”

“At the Center,” she said miserably. “The night before you and I went to lunch together.”

“At the…?” It crashed into place for him suddenly, so obvious he couldn’t believe he hadn’t put it together before. He sat back in his chair, horrified, gaping at her. “He’s the one. The one you lost your virginity to. You’re the one he worried he’d hurt, the reason he left. How could I not haverealized?”

Her lower lip started to tremble.

Some part of him wanted to comfort her, but he couldn’t, because he was drowning now, drowning in a black pool of conflicting and awful emotions.

It was quiet.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered finally. “I didn’t know.”

He dragged a hand over his face. His body felt too heavy and sluggish. He licked his lips.

She lifted a shoulder, picking up her coffee. She sipped at it. “I know I was supposed to be the one girl who wouldn’t have been with anyone else, who you wouldn’t have to worry about, because I would be safe and yours and you… I wanted to be that for you. I guess I’m just not.”

He gave her an odd look. “That’s not—what are you saying? I never wanted you because you were inexperienced or something. Neither of us are experienced.”

“Right,” she said. “But you wanted someone who you’d be sure wouldn’t cheat on you. And I didn’t. But it’s probably the same thing in the end, right? Because I’m tainted by him.”

He tried to protest, but… fuck. He picked up his coffee too. He gulped at it. It was too hot. He set it down. “No,” he finally managed. “No, that is not why I wanted you.”

“You could do better than this, than me. I know what I look like. I know that no one else has ever wanted to be my boyfriend. I know that it was appealing to just lower your standards.”

“No,” he said again, vehemently. “Don’t talk like that about yourself.”

She ducked her chin down. Her eyes were shining.

“That’s not fair,” he muttered. “You don’t get to make this about you.”

She gasped as if he’d struck her.

He felt awful.

It was quiet again.

“I guess,” she said, and there was venom in her tone now, “it’s just all about you, then? You’re the only one who’s getting hurt here? But I didn’t know you when I did it. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I never said you did,” he said. But then, he couldn’t help but be sarcastic. “I’m sorry if I’m not taking it well that my father fucked my girlfriend.”

She recoiled again.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, thoroughly ashamed of his reaction.

“Me too,” she said and her voice shook. “But you don’t want me anymore, do you?”

He looked up at her, and he was at a loss. The awful truth was that he didn’t, that what she’d said about her being tainted, he felt that. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t seem to help it. “I maybe need some time with this,” he said finally.

She nodded.

“Just to wrap my head around it?” His voice cracked. “Can that be okay?”

She hesitated. “How much time? Should I not contact you at all? Will you contact me? If you don’t ever contact me again, at what point should I assume that—”

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