Page 118 of Stags

“Yes,” said Rora firmly.

“Well, you don’t have a relationship, right, Eiren?” said Tawny.

“I have an exclusive sexual arrangement,” said Eiren. “Which involves knotting, and I am a fan.”

“The wolf?” said Tawny, eyes wide.

Eiren smiled, spreading her hands. “What can I say? The wolf came back for more.”

“With knotting,” said Tawny. “I still hate you.” She lifted a shoulder. “Even though, you know, things are going all right for me as well.”

“How?” said Eiren, grinning.

“I, um…” Tawny blushed. “We’re interrupting Rora, who needs our support.”

Eiren pointed at her. “We are coming back to talk about this.” She turned to Rora. “But you do need our support. Go on, tell Tawny why it’s awful to find out that you lost your virginity to your boyfriend’sdad.”

Rora moaned, burrowing her face in both of her hands. “Itisawful. I feel so ashamed of myself.”

“You shouldn’t!” Tawny exclaimed. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But that’s the feeling I have,” said Rora. “It’s shame. Like, it’s beyond embarrassment. It’s so much more intense.”

“If anyone should feel ashamed,” said Eiren, “it’s that Bruin guy for trying anything with you.”

“No, I mean, I got myself into that,” muttered Rora.

“He was definitely too old for you,” admitted Tawny.

“I can’t just talk myself out of feeling ashamed, anyway,” said Rora.

“Sure, you can,” said Tawny. “If you don’t need to feel ashamed, you can stop.”

“Maybeyoucan,” said Rora.

“Anyone can,” said Tawny.

“Well, when I think of being in the same room with both of them again,” said Rora, “what I feel is a deep, deep bad feeling. It’s horrifying. Looking at both of them, and knowing I’ve seen both of their penises? Knowing I’ve kissed both of them? Knowing they’ve both seen me naked?”

Tawny winced. “Okay, I see your point. It’s awkward, for sure.”

“Yeah, but Bruin isn’t interested in you,” said Eiren. “I mean, not beyond just whatever happened with you. And maybe you don’t even have to be around Bruin.”

“Well, I do, because otherwise, I don’t know where it is that Stockton and I would even spend time together. I’m not bringing him home to the family household, with all my nephews and cousins running all over the place, and my aunts telling us we shouldn’t even be dating, right?” said Rora. “So, going to his house, his dad’s house, is the best place, but then Bruin is there, and…” She shuddered.

“It sounds sort of awful,” said Eiren. “Maybe that’s a sign. I know you’re enjoying this idea of accepting how imperfect this guy is or whatever and him accepting that in you, but… maybe you deserve something a little bit better than imperfect.”

“Gotta go with Eiren on this,” said Tawny. “Maybe you just date someone else.”

Rora’s shoulders slumped. “But Stockton and I had this connection… he bought me books.”

“I’m not saying right away,” said Tawny softly. “This part, it sucks. You have to grieve and you have to go through the pain and sometimes it just feels like it’ll never end. But it does. And there will be someone else.”

“She might be right,” said Eiren gently.

Rora looked back and forth between the two women. She supposed she hadn’t thought of it that way, but it was true that while Stockton was having time getting used to her not being in his life, she’d have that time, too. She had thought that, since she’d gone to the rite a pathetic girl who thought she was very damaged, that she’d just go back to that. But she was different now. She had changed. She would never be that girl again, regardless of whether Stockton wanted her.

“And it just comes back to the fact that it’s Stockton who has to get over it,” said Rora. “My options are to sit around waiting for him or to decide to move on. I hate it, because what I think I really want to do is to fight for him.”

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