Page 59 of Stags

“I don’t know,” she said. “I was in that headspace for years.”

“Well, the important thing is that you’re not in it anymore,” he said. “And I should take my own advice, I guess, and not be that embarrassed either. I did stupid shit, too, but it’s not like I murdered someone. I’m being too hard on myself.”

She nodded. “You are. And I am, too. We’ll both stop being so hard on ourselves.”

“The thing is, I don’t even know if I would have wanted to have sex with someone out there like that. I don’t know if I’m wired like that.”

“Wired like what?”

“Like, for casual sex or whatever.” He shrugged. “I mean, this sounds odd, considering I’m a buck, and I know we’re supposed to be solitary and everything else, but I’ve always wanted the opposite of that. And I don’t care how many times someone tells me that it’s just predatorkin indoctrination or some shit, that I’ve just internalized messages from the dominant oppressive culture, it’s not that. I want a mate. I want a family. And deerkincanmake that work.”

She ate a chip, looking at him, and thinking everything he was saying was only making him more handsome.

He ate a chip, too. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe if I’m with a woman, I can’t expect her to be faithful during estrus, but… I mean, that’s almost worse, though, because if I end up raising some other fucking stag’s kid as my own—” He broke off. “No, it’d be the same thing as being an uncle—except it wouldn’t, because it would be some kid I wasn’t even related to.”

She swallowed the chip she was chewing.

“That’s shitty of me,” he said.

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable to demand fidelity,” she said.

“No?” He caught her gaze with his, and his eyes were bright and hopeful.

“No,” she said.

“But what if it’s not in our nature to do it?” he said.

“Is it in our nature to live inside buildings?” she said, gesturing with her chip. “To eat in restaurants? Were primitive deerkin grinding corn into meal?”

“Good point,” he said, nodding. “Very good point. We don’t have to do whatever it is that’s natural, do we?”

“We do not,” she said. “And I think some of the best stuff is the stuff that’s not natural, things like paintings and music and interpretive dance.”

“Yeah,” he said, nodding. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“So, if we want to pair bond, we can,” she said.

He gazed at her.

“What?” she said. “What’s that look?”

He shook his head and went back to the chips. “Nothing. Nope, never mind.”

“You can’t do that,” she said, laughing.

He shoved his mouth full of three chips, eyes wide.

“Come on, Stockon, spill,” she said.

He swallowed the chips. “Nope, nope, you and me, we are friends. Buddies. So, let’s talk about your conquest. That’s exactly the thing I want to hear about right now. You getting fucked by someone else.”

She sat up straight. Oh. Because, um, he was maybe not so cool with them being only friends? Truthfully, she was thinking that his insistence on wanting to be faithful, to have a pair bond, to have a family… well, it wasn’t making him less appealing, let’s say that. “Yeah, well, it wasn’t anything.”

“No?”

She dipped a chip into the salsa. “I mean, should I tell you details or something? Would that help?”

“I… don’t know.” His voice sounded scoured. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

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