Page 61 of Ravenous

Tugging on Ollie’s hands, Finn waited until he turned back. “It’snotdumb.”

“It’s not smart though.”

“It’s very normal not to want bad things to happen, not to want problems, to be afraid of the future, and to exert control wherever you can find it because the world can be a scary place.” Finn laced their fingers together.

“It hasn’t been that scary to meyet.” Ollie studied their joined hands. “But that means it’s only a matter of time, right?”

Finn blinked. “Well-”

“Look at what happened to Liam. He had the perfect family and thenboom, his parents are gone in a car accident. Marci told me her brother died when she was fourteen. I know Owen’s son was kidnapped for over a year. Bad things happen all the time to good people, people we know. And the longer I live without tragedy, the greater chance it has of catching up to me. I don’t want my family to break apart. I don’t want us to break apart.” Ollie squeezed his eyes shut as if he could see the end happening right in front of him.

“Sunshine.…” Raising their clasped right hands, Finn kissed the back of Ollie’s, feeling the soft skin under his lips. “We’re not going to break apart-”

“You can’t guarantee that. And…And that’s why…”

“That’s why you’re so strict about food?” Finn ventured. Ollie gave him a shame-filled glance and nodded.

“There’s this dread,” Ollie’s gaze wandered around the room like he was looking for it, “and anxiety. When it all balls together inside me, it feels like I’m being held down. Like I’m easy prey for the bad things to catch up to. When I started losing weight, I noticed that the lighter I became, the lighter I felt, and the faster I could run. Eventually, I thought I could become light enough to slip out of that hold, outrun the bad, float away from it all.” His eyes dropped to the floor. “See, I told you it was dumb.”

“Do you remember the night we met? When you asked me if I was afraid?” Finn tried to keep his voice light, encouraging, and it worked because Ollie focused on Finn again. “I never really answered you. Yes, I’m afraid. Afraid of losing my uncle, my only family. Of losing Owen, my only friend. And losing you, the most important person in my life right now.”

Ollie blinked. “Really?” His eyebrows drew together as if he didn’t believe it.

Leaning in, Finn pressed his forehead to Ollie’s, breathing in his scent. “Yes. And I’m also afraid right now. Because what you’re doing? It’s dangerous, Ollie, and you can’t leave me alone. I can’t go back into isolation again, not after being with you.”

“Isolation? Wait, what do you mean?” Ollie pulled back a little but they were still only inches apart. This close, Finn could see a light dusting of freckles on the bridge of Ollie’s nose. He’d never noticed them before, which meant that Ollie was barefaced, granting him another layer of vulnerability.

Finn should respect that by opening up and being vulnerable as well.

“I have this thing, this loneliness.” Letting go of one hand, Finn rubbed the back of his neck, understanding why Ollie couldn’t find the words. It was difficult to talk about something that he’d silently accepted for years. “I don’t have a lot of friends and I’ve never been in a serious relationship before.”

“You?” Ollie looked him up and down. “Have you dated anyone with eyes?”

“Thank you,” Finn chuckled but it was short-lived. “I was an independent kid. Uncle Joe worked a lot, so I used to come home from school to an empty cabin and I grew up alone. I thought it was normal until I was in college and all I had was my uncle and Owen, while my classmates had friend groups and long-term relationships. For some reason, I can’t get close to most people, and it’s…”

“Lonely?” Ollie supplied, and then he shook his head at himself. “I’m sorry that’s-”

“No, stop.” Finn reached out, taking back Ollie’s hand, holding them both again. “Itislonely. A lot of mornings I’d wake up feeling removed from everyone, like the world was gray. I was afraid too…afraid that as time went on I’d vanish into my solitude, without anyone noticing. And then I met you.”

“Me?” Ollie squeaked, eyes wide. He flushed so red that Finn wanted to run a finger over his cheeks.

“Yes. That kiss in front of your hotel? It brought color into my life. I felt connected, truly alive for the first time, and it lasted formonths.” Finn leaned in, pressing their foreheads together once more. “It’s one of the reasons why I call you Sunshine, because you’re a bright light that burns away my lonely shadow.”

“Finn…” Pulling his hands away, Ollie wrapped his arms around Finn. “You know, I wasn’t supposed to get into a relationship with you.”

“I’m glad you did.” Finn pressed his nose into Ollie’s neck, giving him a quick pulse of a squeeze.

“Me too, because you’re my knight.” Sitting back, Ollie clasped his hands together in his lap, settling his face like he was waiting to be executed. “Even now, you’re defending me from myself.”

“No, I’m defending you from your dread and anxiety. You won’t do this alone, okay? I’ll fight beside you while you learn to fight on your own.”

“I’m still so scared.” Ollie teared up again and took in large lungfuls of air, trying to hold off on crying. “I want to stop, but what will I do when the bad things catch up? I can’t lose you. I can’t-” He choked, pressing his lips together as the tears won, streaming down his face as he began to sob.

Acting on instinct, Finn drew Ollie close again, pulling him until they were both on the couch and Ollie was nestled in Finn’s lap, his face buried in Finn’s shoulder. Rubbing Ollie’s back, Finn pressed kisses to his golden curls, just being there, allowing Ollie to lean on someone and feel. Slowly, the sobs tapered off and with a final kiss, Finn nosed the hair below.

“I want you to hear me out, okay?” Finn took the slight movement of Ollie’s head as a yes and continued in a whisper. “Yes, there are no guarantees in life. Yes, it sucks, it’s unfair, and it’s terrifying. But that fact can eventually make you fearless. Help you make choices. Determine what’s important and who you spend your time with. And instead of worrying when things will end, you can learn to focus on the present, and the things youshouldcontrol.”

Ollie sniffled. “H-How?” Sitting up a bit, he wiped his eyes.

---