Page 92 of Ravenous

OLLIE

“Buffalochickenpizza?Areyou serious?” Ollie turned up his nose. He wouldnotbe putting that greasy meat-piled bread into his mouth.

“Come on, Sunshine. Part of the deal is trying new foods.” Finn waggled the menu he held.

“But it’s ridiculous.” Arms crossed, Ollie slumped in his seat, looking around the small side restaurant of Finn’s favorite pizza place. Although his behavior had earned him a day pass, his weight still hadn’t stabilized; in fact, it had decreased over the last few weeks. He’d become strangely defensive about it, for while dread no longer loomed overhead it still lurked in the distance, and Ollie had been feeling its presence more lately, along with an imminence that stirred his anxiety. Just last month he’d been eager to get out but for some reason he’d been backsliding

And he’d been so close to a release date.

“It’s not ridiculous, it’s delicious, and you can get it with vegetarian chicken. I know you like that.” Finn sounded tired and Ollie could relate. Sometimes he was tired of himself too.

“Sure. Okay.” He hoped it sounded a little cheerful but the atmosphere was already strained. With a mix of emotions, Ollie reached for the exercises that Katrin drilled into him, but it was difficult putting things into practice, especially during his first time out in the real world.

But the friction didn’t last long. After they ordered, Finn reached across the table, holding out his hand with a smile, and Ollie couldn’t resist. He grasped that warm palm, and before Finn could speak Ollie waved a white flag. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.”

“It’s fine. Katrin probably told you some version of this but healing is not a straight line and although you’ve taken a dip, you’ll come back up. You’re changing some fundamental parts of your brain and it’s not an instant fix.” Finn played with his mother’s ring, which still rested happily on Ollie’s index finger, and he welcomed it, the touch calming him as it always did.

“I know.” Ollie held back a sigh. “Katrin did go over that, and I ended up with more exercises on cultivating patience.”

“What does she think the issue is?”

“She says that some part of me is afraid to leave.”

“Is that true?”

Immediately Ollie wanted to deny it. Of course he wanted to leave. He’d gotten the boot off weeks ago and had been doing physical therapy while dealing with the fact that overexercising had left him with a long-term injury and shitty bone density; however, his stress fracture had mostly healed and he’d been looking forward to going on the day program, heading back to work part time, and resuming some of his life.

But something was holding him back.

Ollie let out the sigh he’d been repressing. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Do you feel ready to leave?”

Tilting his head, Ollie considered. “I know I’ve done a lot of work. I managed to push the dread away so I don’t feel it-” Ollie gestured over his back. “Right here. But…”

“But it’s around.”

“Yeah. Which means I’m afraid of the future again.”

“Why wouldn’t you be?” Finn said carefully, still holding Ollie’s hand. “You’ve been away, healing for the last three months, and now you need to apply what you’ve learned to the outside world. It’s not like you can avoid food or stay in treatment forever, no matter how safe it’s probably felt.”

Ollie wanted to crawl across the table and into Finn’s lap, always amazed at how Finn justgothim, how he’d perfectly articulated some of Ollie’s anxieties about being in outpatient. Although he’d been working things through with Katrin, it was nice to discuss his troubles with Finn, and that closeness, that understanding, relaxed Ollie’s brain, giving him a flash of a memory from weeks ago when his parents had visited. They’d been waiting to sign in, and Ollie had sneaked up behind them, about to grab his mother in a hug when she turned to his father and said nine little words that ground everything to a halt.

Oliver shouldn’t be living alone when he gets out.

He didn’t want to admit it, but those words had hit him low. Did they think he was still that broken? And if he was, shouldn’t he stay a little longer? He didnotwant to leave the clinic, go back to his parents’ house, and stare at the walls of his childhood bedroom. But his choices were limited, and as he’d inched closer to a release date, returning to Mason’s became less and less appealing; every time he thought about his room, all he could see were those weeks on the treadmill.

And all of that balled together in his subconscious, mucking him up and sabotaging him.

“A dollar for your thoughts.” Clearly, Ollie’s expression had betrayed him because Finn was staring.

“Isn’t it supposed to be a penny?” Ollie quirked an eyebrow.

“Inflation.” Letting go of Ollie’s hand, Finn pulled a dollar from his wallet, putting it on the table.

“Oh my god, stop it.” Smiling, Ollie shook his head. “I would tell you anyway, it’s just…I think my parents want me to move back in with them after treatment.”

“You think?”

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