Page 63 of Cool for the Summer

He sounds surer of himself now, as if this is all self-evident and I’m just the idiot who didn’t realize I was in a relationship until the guy I’m in a relationship with pointed it out to me. But nothing’s changed since the night I told Beck I wanted to sleep with him, but that it would be a temporary arrangement.

“No—you’re wrong. I enjoyed the hell out of this summer. But what it was—we agreed that’s all it could be. So I liked the breakfast tacos and the cookies—those were your idea, not mine. You seduced me with coffee and sugar and great sex.”

“I’m a monster, truly,” Beck says flatly.

His sarcasm puts me even more on the defensive. “This isn’t what I want.”

It wasn’t, anyway.

“Are you sure, Donovan? Really look around, because it seems like maybe it is. Only you seem dead set on denying it, all because your first idea of happy ever after didn’t work out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you think you should stop punishing yourself? Maybe it’s time to forgive Aidan for falling in love with someone else.”

Hearing his name out of Beck’s mouth is like a slap across the face.

“What?”

He shakes his head sadly. “If losing Aidan didn’t matter to you anymore, you’d be able to see what we have together.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. This isn’t about Aidan.”

“Fine. Pretend you haven’t been sleeping your way through Manhattan to avoid getting hurt again. Pretend you didn’t like having me around morning, noon, and night. But don’t pretend that I somehow tricked you into playing house with me—all of this has been your choice all along.”

He’s right, of course, but I need reassurance. “You wanted it, too.”

“Yes. I want you. I want this life. Ichoosethis life.” He looks as if the sight of me makes him want to cry. I hate that I’m hurting him just by being myself, but I don’t know what else to do, or how else to be. “The only thing I didn’t have a choice about was falling in love with you. That happened despite trying not to, believe me.”

“You—” Becklovesme?

He stands in silence, letting me process. In the quiet of the afternoon, I can’t deny what he’s saying. That almost from the beginning, what I told myself was friendliness, or maybe affection, was actually Beck showing love. Am I so oblivious that I didn’t notice him falling in love with me?

Or did it not occur to me because his feelings seemed to match my own, so they couldn’t possibly be love?

Either way, he’s asking for something I’m wholly unequipped to give him.

I channel a stronger person than me, a man who isn’t afraid to let down his friend because he knows it’s for the best. My chest is a mass of conflicting emotions, so I let my brain take over.

“Look, Beck, it has been a great summer. But this is just a borrowed house. A borrowed dog. A borrowed life. I’m going back to my real life, and that’s the way it was always supposed to be.”

He nods, but doesn’t try to hide the tears forming in his eyes. “You can change your mind about the way it’s supposed to be. Just so you know.” His voice is thick with emotion.

It’s so tantalizing, the idea of change. The idea of a different life.

But I’m too scared of what it would mean to say yes.

So I say, “No.”

And Beck leaves, closing the door behind him.

TWENTY-EIGHT

BECK

The next fewdays pass in a blur. Where before I took joy in simple routines—putting the coffee on, playing with Cleo, making progress on plans for the shop—now everything feels like a monumental effort. The pleasures of a summer spent with Donovan are past, and now it’s just work and humidity and trying to reconcile my loneliness with the fact that he’s still here.

We’re moving around each other because, of course, we still have to share the space. I take care of Cleo in the morning, his does his turn in the evening, the way we arranged it all those weeks ago. I don’t try to act like my heart isn’t broken, and he doesn’t do me the disservice of pretending like nothing has changed. He’s polite with me but gives me space. It hurts in its own way, the idea that we might not be able to stay friends the way I have with my other exes. But I guess I didn’t feel about them the way I feel about Donovan.

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