Page 29 of Blurred Love

I’m lying on my back with Poppy’s naked body pressed against my side. We got home, showered, and after I convinced her pajamas were a waste of time, we lay down to cuddle, still trying to recoup from the sex we had at Makeout Point.

Poppy sighs happily next to me, and I hold her tighter. “I had a good time tonight.”

She presses her body against me, threading her leg with mine. “Me too. Davis and Abby’s kids are adorable.”

I yawn. “Yeah, they’re good kids.”

She’s quiet, and then her voice is a little stilted. “Have you thought about it?”

I lean my cheek against her head. “Thought about what?”

She turns her head so I can feel her breath against my neck. “About having kids of your own.”

I tense, and it’s like a punch in the gut. “No. Absolutely not. I’m not having kids.”

She gasps and sits up to look at me. “Why not?”

I cover my face with my arm. I’m trying to keep my tone indifferent, but I can’t help but let it go all through me. It’s just a reminder of all the things I can’t have. “I’m not talking about this.”

Poppy puts her hand on my chest. “Colter, you introduced me as your girlfriend. We’re dating. I think this is something a boyfriend and girlfriend talk about, don’t you?”

I lower my arm. “I can’t.”

Her eyes widen. “You can’t… you mean, you can’t have children?”

I shake my head. “No, I mean, I can have kids.”

She throws a hand up, trying to understand. “But what? You don’t want to?”

I sit up next to her, and the sheet slides to my waist. “I do want kids. I want a family. But I shouldn’t have one.”

She stutters, “Shouldn’t have one? I saw you tonight with Alexis and DJ, and if there’s anyone that should have kids, it’s you.”

I sit on the edge of the bed, holding my head in my hands. “You don’t understand.”

She moves next to me and puts an arm around me. “Explain it to me, Colter. I want to understand.”

I lift my eyes to look at her. I want her to see how much I want kids but also why I can’t. “Honey, listen. Kids need a good dad.”

She leans her head on my shoulder. “Why do you think you wouldn’t be a good dad?”

I lift my head up and look at the ceiling. All the emotions are coming to the surface, and all I want to do is tamp them down. “They deserve a normal dad.”

She gasps and snaps her head back. “Colter.”

I hold a hand up. “Stop. Nothing is going to change that, Poppy. I am who I am, and yes, it’s manageable, but no kid should have to explain why their dad is just not right. Kids deserve a dad that is whole.”

She pushes my shoulder so I have to look at her. “So you’re saying that Davis, Jason, Kanan, and Elias shouldn’t have kids?”

I shake my head. “What? No! Of course not.”

“So why are you different?”

I stand up and pace across the room. I can’t think straight with her touching me. My stutter comes back, and I want to punch a wall. “I, I just am.”

She walks over toward me. She’s holding her hand out toward me, and even though she doesn’t touch me, I feel calmer knowing that she’s here and not walking away from me. She gestures to her hand. “Take my hand, Colter.”

I put my hands on my hips. “You can’t convince me that I should be a father.”

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