Page 91 of Shift Change

He smiled softly, then brushed a kiss across my lips. “I love you so much it hurts,” he whispered. “I don’t care who knows.”

My chest tightened as the weight of what had happened settled in. We’d already known we were in love, but this had been more than that. A public heartbeat, a moment so vast and authentic we couldn’t keep it to ourselves. In a room full of strangers, we’d said it loud and clear:This is who we are, and we love each other too much to hide.

We both knew it was time to go. The night had already given us more than we ever expected, and there was nothing left we needed from the club. So much had changed in a single day that even going back to the hotel and making love felt small in comparison. It wouldn’t be the climax of the night. It would be the afterglow.

The future already seemed a lot bigger than it had yesterday.

29

holky

It had beena few weeks since LA, and every morning still felt like waking inside the best dream ever. Chuck and I were golden—always laughing, chirping each other across the locker room, curling up at night like the rest of the world didn’t exist. I was so fucking happy I could barely think straight. Which was probably why it scared the hell out of me when my flip side crept in.

It had always been there, lurking beneath the surface. In high school, it whispered that I wasn’t good enough for a college scholarship. At UMass, it warned me something would go wrong, and I’d lose my spot. In Buffalo, it hissed that one bad stretch would have Criswell shipping me down to the minors.

Now it had a new target. Chuck. And the sick part was, the flip side didn’t say he would hurt me. It said I would hurt him.

Since I’d never had anything this good before, I didn’t know how to keep it. I was sure to say the wrong thing, fuck something up, push too hard, or pull away at the worst time. Sooner or later, I’d break what we had. Hell, I’d probably break him.

The thing is, when you feel this much, the fall doesn’t just scare you. It haunts you. And then it finds you.

* * *

After our workout, Chuck jumped in the shower while I had a Zoom call with my agent to talk through a new endorsement deal. Chuck had already finished when the call ended, which meant I had to shower solo. I made it quick, and after I toweled off and pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt, I went to find him.

It was unseasonably warm for April, and I found him stretched out on a chaise in the garden. His eyes were closed, and his chest rose in slow, even breaths. Sunlight skimmed across his face, softening the angles and making him look even younger.

He’d picked up meditation from Harpy’s husband, Luca, a professional lacrosse player who swore it made him calmer. It seemed to be working for Chuck too. He looked peaceful and steady, like nothing in the world could touch him.

My stomach clenched, because I was pretty much the opposite. I felt like I was hanging on with string and hope. Although everything should have been perfect, I couldn’t settle. There was a low, persistent hum of doubt I couldn’t shut off.

Since he looked so peaceful, I went back inside. With our final game of the regular season coming up and the playoffs starting a few days after that, things were getting hectic. Chuck had a lot of expectations to live up to since he was on the first line. Add in the attention he was getting as a potential rookie of the year, and he needed all the relaxation he could get.

I went to the living room and lay on the couch, hoping a change of scenery would slow the churning in my chest. Dr. Goodman, my therapist, had suggested I try deep breathing for my anxiety, so I gave it a go. I was feeling a little better by the time I heard Chuck’s footsteps coming my way.

When I opened my eyes, the sight of him hit like a punch and a prayer all at once. His face was soft with concern and glowing with love. With his shaggy hair a windblown mess from being outside, he looked like he’d been up to no good. My heart did something wild inside me.

“Why didn’t you stay out there with me?” he asked.

“Didn’t want to disturb you.” I sat up and patted the cushion beside me. When he eased down, I draped an arm around his shoulders, craving the contact like air. “How are you feeling about things?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Hockey’s hockey, and it’s great. Being with you is a dream come true. But…”

I patted his shoulder and quirked an eyebrow.

“It’s… Is something wrong, sweets?”

I wanted to tell him about my rising panic and the voice in my head whispering we were doomed. He deserved to know I was too damaged to make this work, and that he had no idea what he’d signed up for. But if I opened that door, everything would come spilling out in a mess I couldn’t begin to untangle. He’d listen and do everything he could to help, and I’d smile and pretend to feel better.

But I wouldn’t. Icouldn’t, because deep down, I was convinced we had a shelf life. It had nothing to do with him. Despite the maddening thoughts, I was happier than I’d ever imagined I could be, and that was the problem.

I was born with a crack down the middle no one could fix, so something inside me had always been broken. No matter how hard I tried to believe otherwise, I knew that flaw was why my mom left and my dad couldn’t stand the sight of me. Whatever was wrong, it made me unlovable in the long run. It always had and always would.

If I had any decency, I’d protect Chuck from that. I’d walk away before I cut him on all the jagged parts of me no one could smooth out. But as selfish as it was, I wanted us to last as long as possible. When it ended, all I’d have were memories, and I wanted enough to survive the fallout.

That wasn’t protecting him. That was clinging like a goddamn vampire, draining him for everything he had, which only proved my point: I was already screwing this up. Yet if telling him what was wrong with me meant speeding up the end, I’d keep my mouth shut and hold on until it all came crashing down.

Desperate to calm his mind, I reached for the best version of Holky I could find and slapped on a smile. “I’m wound up about the playoffs,” I said. “Everything’s fine.”

---