Page 95 of Shift Change

“You haven’t. We’ll work on things.”

He squeezed my hands so tightly they throbbed. “You don’t get it. You can’t, so please listen to me. If we stay together, I will wreck you.”

“No, you won’t.” I pulled my hands free and cradled his face. “Whatever your mind is telling you is a lie. I don’t know what you think you’ll do to me, but I’m not some weakling who can’t handle a challenge.”

He pulled my hands from his face. “I love you so much I feel like I’m dreaming every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that I will screw this up. It’s what I do. I was born with it in me, and if you have any doubts, look how I destroyed my family. My mom couldn’t run fast enough, and my dad—” His voice caught, then cracked apart on a sob.

I reached for him, but he shoved me away. “I’d rather rip my heart out than hurt you worse than I already have.”

“You haven’t hurt me,” I said, “but you are now.” That was when the pieces clicked into place, and I realized the sickening truth. “You’re breaking up with me to protect me?”

He nodded once, and I sat back on my heels. My body started shaking. “You don’t get to do that,” I whispered. “You don’t get to end us because you’ve already decided we’re doomed. What makes you think you can decide that for both of us?”

His eyes were wide and swimming with tears, though his voice remained eerily calm. “You don’t understand, Chuck. I have to do this.”

“Then help me understand.” I clenched my fists and pounded the air between us. “You can’t quit. We’ve got to fight for this.We love each other, and I swear to God, I’ll help.”

His jaw trembled, and it was a long moment before he spoke. “I love you more than you’ll ever know, but you can’t fix what’s wrong with me.”

“Have you talked to Dr. Goodman about this?” I asked, my voice rising. “Because if you haven’t, I will. I’ll call her myself and tell her you’re spiraling. She’ll tell you this isn’t protecting me. It’s self-sabotage, Nate. It’s fear, and it’s bullshit.”

Though he jerked like I’d slapped him, he said nothing. I waited for an answer, and he eventually shook his head. “She can’t fix me any more than you can.”

My vision blurred. I had a wild thought that he was about to laugh, say this was a test or a sick joke. I’d settle for a nightmare, because we could wake up from that.Please let him say he doesn’t mean it.

But he didn’t say anything, and his silence broke me. “What then?” I asked. “You’re justdone?”

His words sounded like they were in slow motion, weighed down by the world. “I think you should move out. Stay with Logan until you find your own place. He’s got a nice house.”

I dropped a hand to steady myself, bracing against the floor to keep myself upright. “Is that really what you want?”

“No, but it’s the way it has to be.”

I didn’t argue. What was the point? He’d already left me.

It was a struggle, but I got to my feet and made it upstairs to the bedroom. I let myself cry for a while before I picked up my phone.

MAD DOG: Could I crash with you guys tonight? I know it’s late, and I’m sorry.

A response came right away.

HARPY: Yes, but why? Is something wrong?

MAD DOG: The whole fucking world is wrong. I’ll tell you when I see you. Can I come now?

HARPY: Yes. Luca’s home, and I’ll leave the Hops right away. Want me to come get you?

MAD DOG: I can drive. Be there soon.

My right thigh jerked uncontrollably, so I stayed on the edge of the bed, gripping the comforter and trying to breathe. When I could move, I shoved some clothes into a duffel without looking at what I was packing.

Nate was waiting in the foyer with his arms crossed. His eyes were blank, and he didn’t say a word as I walked past him and out the front door.

31

holky

Skating drills.Three-on-two battles. Rondo-circle keep-away. Quick-release wristers. Figure-eight edgework. Lateral bounds.

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