Page 97 of Shift Change

I staggered to the living room and collapsed on the couch. My chest cracked open, and a gut-wrenching wail cut through the house. Half a minute later, I was wracked with deep, ugly sobs scraping at my throat. I keened until I choked, then had to lean over and retch acid and bile onto the floor.

When I caught my breath, I sat up and stared at the wall. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.”

But the house didn’t answer, and Chuck didn’t come back.

32

mad dog

“Need anything, Dog?”Harpy asked.

“I’m good with the coffee, thanks.”

“I’ll sit here with you, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah.”

Harpy and Luca lived in a beautiful nineteenth-century house on what passed for a hill in Buffalo. Though it was small compared to other teammates’ places I’d seen, it didn’t feel crowded. We sat in chairs separated by a small table, facing a window offering a good view of the lake a few blocks away. The water was gray and choppy, thanks to the overcast sky and strong wind outside, but that was fine. It matched my mood.

The lake’s rough waters were hypnotic. The scene pulled me in, made me feel like I belonged out there, trapped between the waves. How the hell could my life, which had seemed perfect only a few weeks earlier, have capsized so soon? Now it was sinking, and if I didn’t do something to save myself, I was sure to drown.

Luca was working out in the small gym in the basement, and the house was silent except for the muted hum of the dishwasher and faint clank of weights. I hadn’t slept, and this afternoon, my mind was locked into a loop of thoughts about Nate and what had happened last night.

I didn’t understand why he’d pushed me away with such finality. The quiet spells and vacant eyes I’d seen occasionally had told me he fought ghosts, and knowing what I did about his life, I got that. I also believed he loved me, which he’d kept saying last night. Still, if that was true, why wouldn’t he want to be a couple, let me help him face his past?

Contrary to what some people believed, love wasn’t a cure-all, but it was more than a comfort; it could be a steadfast anchor in the chaos of life. If we were together, what we had could help disarm his past. The pain he’d experienced would never disappear, but if we ripped out its teeth, it couldn’t hold him trapped in its jaws.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” Harpy’s voice was soft.

“No. I thought about it all night and still have no idea. One part of me wants to fight, to go back over to Nate’s and have it out, tell him I won’t leave because I love him, and I know he loves me too.”

“And the other part?”

My stomach tried to clench but couldn’t follow through. The muscles must have been worn out from keeping it in knots since yesterday. It felt like a lifetime.

“The other part thinks I should leave him alone. He was already gone when he told me to leave, and today, he’s probably only more sure he did the right thing.”

“Why would you think that?” Luca asked, startling me. He came over beside the window, dressed in workout clothes with a white towel thrown over his shoulder. Luca was a real looker—tall and swarthy with gorgeous features—but his troubled eyes and worried frown concerned me.

“Why wouldn’t I think it?” I asked. “It’s a logical assumption.”

“Still only an assumption,” Harpy said. “Personally, I like the first part of what you’re thinking.”

“Yeah.” Luca locked onto my eyes. “The fight-for-it part.”

“How long were you listening?” My voice was too loud, and I held up a hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Harpy said. “I’d be cranky too. Tell me one thing: do you love Holky? Like, intensely, undoubtedly, love him? He’s a part of you that you can’t imagine living without?”

I looked at him, not quite believing he’d need to ask. “Why do you think I’m such a mess? In one conversation, my life became a wreck. I can’t even think clearly because all I want is to go back over there and hug him so tight he can’t get away, convince him I’m in for the long haul. I need to show him he can’t get rid of me because of some wacky nonsense idea he has in his head.”

“Why are you sitting here, then?” Luca came over and put a hand on my shoulder. “Go.”

“Not until I figure things out. I need to be absolutely sure it’s the right thing to do, and I’ve got to have something to say.”

“Seems like you already do.” Harpy held up his cup. “More coffee?”

I shook my head. “No thanks. My stomach’s already upset enough.”

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