Page 10 of Feels Like Coming Home

“Oh, you gonna go see that new animated whatever the hell crap they call a movie nowadays?” I replied, trying to cover up the small amount of jealousy I had toward my friend.

Part of me had always wanted to have someone waiting for me at home at the end of the day. The same part of me wanted one of those someone’s to be a child of my own. Kids were always something I knew I wanted. Growing up with my sister and taking care of her while my parents were at work taught me that.

But at thirty-one, I was still going home to an empty loft that didn’t even look like anyone lived there. I didn’t even have a dog for Christ's sake.

Maybe I should get one.

“Hey, don’t knock them until you see them. I know they’re made for kids, but a lot of animated movies these days have just as many adult jokes in them as they do kids' jokes. Sometimes I find myself laughing more than my kids,” Harvey explained, pulling me out of the pity party I was throwing for myself.

“Well, if you want to do anything this weekend, let me know. I'm free as a bird, ready to do whatever I please.” I swiped my hand across the air to show just how free I was. I didn’t carethatmuch that I had no plans, no friends other than Harvey, and no one to sleep next to this weekend.

Not really…

“I might be able to meet up on Sunday. Wanna get in an extra lift before the preseason starts?” Harvey asked, slinging his bag over his shoulder and closing his locker.

“Yeah, let’s meet in the morning. I’ll text you when I'm leaving and we can meet here,” I replied, mimicking his actions and closing my locker right along with him.

We walked out of the locker room together and got into our cars, waving goodbye as we did. Before I closed my door, I heard Harvey answer his phone. “Hey babe, yeah I’m on my way home. I’m so excited to hang out with you and the kids tonight.”

As I turned the key in the ignition, I found myself thinking about how I had ended up where I was. No wife, no kids, not even a fucking dog to call my own. After freshman year in college, football and training became my whole life. Everything I did was for the game and to make it to the big leagues.

During those years, I didn’t even think about finding “the one” let alone anything more than a casual fuck after some random house party. I’ve been with girls before, sure. But none of them were ever a contender for anything more than a weekend of fun. There was one girl I met my junior year, Gillian, who I thought I could fall in love with. She was nice and didn’t get mad when I canceled plans to train and even came to my home games to cheer me on. Everything was great between us, or at least I thought it was until I went to her apartment one day to find her screwing the captain of the soccer team on her kitchen counter.

Ever since then, I swore off all relationships until I had signed my first major league contract to play football professionally.

But even when I had accomplished that, I never truly made an effort to try to date. It was hard with my travel and training schedule and I always used that as an excuse to avoid it all together. Now though, watching Harvey be a husband and a dad, I wish I had made an effort sooner. Shit, I wasn’t getting any younger and in the next few years, I’d even be too old to play football.

And then what? I spend the rest of my days alone, getting myself off to some random girl in a porno? The thought of that made me groan and wish I could just run into the perfect girl on the street like you see in the movies.

But this wasn’t a movie, this was real life. And that was never going to happen.

My alarm wentoff Saturday morning at exactly 6:00 AM sharp. During the week, I had to get up ridiculously early to train, but on the weekends I liked to let myself sleep in. Sure, six is not sleeping in for a normal person, but I'm not a normal person. I’m a professional athlete who was committed to the game.

On the weekends, I liked to sleep in an extra hour, throw on some shorts and a shirt, and then head to the park down the road and get in a long run. Having strong stamina was important for my position and I liked to train my lungs to be able to go forever.

A skill that would also be helpful while in bed with a beautiful woman,I thought to myself as I pulled on my tee shirt.If I had one of those.

Last night I did exactly what I feared would become my life forever.

Pulled into the garage, made myself something to eat, and sat down on the couch while I ate my meal alone. After consuming several hours of shitty television, I decided I needed to go to bed, knowing I had an early start today. I was restless though, thinking about my lack of a family and lack of a real sex life. I felt my lower half begging to be taken care of, and after an hour of trying to fall asleep, I gave in and did what it wanted me to do.

I started by watching porn, but after a few minutes, I decided to turn it off and instead, think about the dream I had of Haley last week.

How good she looked in that lace bra, the shape of her body as it moved closer to me, the feeling I got when she touched my chest.

I pictured what she would feel like in real life, not just in a dream. How soft her skin would feel against mine, what it would be like to watch her cinnamon-colored hair fall around my face as she kissed me. How good it would feel to slip inside her, feeling her center tense up while I did. It didn’t take long for me to think about her like this before I had finished all over my hand and needed to clean up. After I was done, I fell asleep without issue.

I thought about her again as I grabbed my standard morning breakfast and walked out onto my balcony to eat. While I lived alone and my loft held practically no personal items, it was still nicely furnished and decorated. I had paid someone to decorate it for me before moving in and I’m glad I did or else it would only have a lawn chair, PS5, and a mattress on the floor. Now, it had everything I needed to live comfortably and pretend like I was a real adult who knew how to do things like decorate.

As I sat on the balcony, I thought about Haley again. I wondered if she was happy and how her marriage was. I wasn’t sure what she did for a living, but whatever it was I’m sure she was great at it. She was always great at everything she did because she took it seriously and never did anything halfway. That was something I always admired about her when we were friends.

After finishing my breakfast, I put my shoes on and grabbed the keys to my car. Before leaving, I checked myself in the mirror and studied my reflection.

I’m an attractive guy, I thought to myself.

My eyes were a dark shade of emerald—I got them from my mother—and my dark brown hair was a little longer than I normally kept it, but still, it wasn’t unruly. I was also in peak shape because of my training schedule and commitment to staying in the best shape possible so I didn’t wear out on the field.

Women find me attractive, right? I won’t be alone forever…would I?

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