Page 28 of Feels Like Coming Home

“If you want to go on a trip, I will gladly go with you.” Piper gave me a determined smile, pumping our hands up and down once on top of the table. “Which beach are you thinkin’?”

I turned my laptop to show her some of the houses I had pulled up and she gasped at the photos, instantly getting excited. We paused our conference planning and turned to planning our spontaneous trip to the beach.

After two hours and another coffee, we found a three-bedroom bungalow on the water that had an amazing kitchen and private office space we could use to work out of. We booked it through the end of March, giving us almost three full months there. After clicking ‘Book’ I was filled with a sense of relief I hadn’t felt in a long time. I could almost feel the invisible hands around my neck start to loosen their grip.

It’s time you get out and rejoin society,Deborah told me yesterday.

Well, Deborah, I’m getting out.

Question is, will I ever be able to fully come back?

14

CAM | NOW

Ipulled into the parking lot of my hotel in downtown Wilmington just after lunch. After leaving the training center with my stuff, I headed home, grabbed my computer, and booked myself a room in the nicest place I could find.

I didn’t have a plan beyond trying to run into Haley somewhere around the city just to be able to see her cinnamon-colored hair and freckled face in person one more time.

My brain went fromI have a few months of down timetothat’s a long fucking time to sit in my loft alonetoI know someone else who is probably lonely right nowtoyou’re a fucking dick for thinking thattoI can’t stop thinking about her, I at least have to try.

By the end of my spiral, I had a hotel room in Wilmington waiting for me. I quickly grabbed a suitcase, threw a bunch of clothes and other shit into it, and left the next day.

Being here now, I realized how much of a plan I was lacking. What are the chances I just run into her again like we had in Charlotte? I hadn’t expected that to happen either, but it did. Surely fate was on my side, and it would happen again. Right?

Part of me regrets not asking for her phone number since I knew the one she had growing up was no longer hers. I remember one drunken night after I graduated college I had tried calling her only to get a very large-sounding man named Barry.

After checking in at the front desk, I went up to my room and dropped my bags on the floor. I had reserved the room for a week, figuring that I could just extend my stay if I needed more time. I didn’t have to be back in Charlotte until late in the spring, so I was in no rush.

I’ve waited fourteen years to see her again–what’s another couple of months?

Looking around, I was a little surprised by how nice the room was. When I booked it, I hardly looked at the pictures before typing in my credit card number. Apparently, I booked myself a suite, so there was a separate living room from the bedroom and it also had a small kitchen. The room was painted a deep navy blue and the bedding and furniture were all white. It felt clean yet welcoming.

I wonder if Haley would like it?I started thinking to myself. I thought about what I might do if I were to get Haley Jones alone with me in a hotel room. After so many years of disconnection, what would it be like to sit with her again? Would it be like old times? Would it be like it was before that night in her dorm room where I royally fucked it all up? I sat down on the edge of the king-size bed, my body bouncing a little as it gave way to my weight, and let my mind wander with my thoughts and memories.

That night in Haley’s dorm room was one of the best nights of my life. Shit, that entire day with her on campus was the most fun I had had since leaving for school. It had been a few weeks since I had seen her, and even though we talked and texted a bunch, I missed her. I missed seeing her every day in the hallways at school and even missed seeing her around town. Our hometown was small. Small enough to not even be considered a city, so running into people you knew happened a lot. And thankfully for me, I ran into Haley or hung out with her almost daily.

Every time I got to spend time with her, my life just felt better. It felt brighter. By the end of our final summer together, the feelings I’d had for her for so long had only grown deeper. I was hoping they would go away once we both went our separate ways, but they didn’t. They only grew stronger and started to consume me entirely. It was as if my body was going through withdrawal from being away from her, which is why I went to visit her. My body needed to be close to her.

And then I went and screwed it up.

Again.

I’d only gone to see her so I could be close to her again. Not tobewith her.That’s what happened though—almost, at least. We never actually had sex. But we did things, we both said things, and I promised her things I had never promised anyone else before.

I will never forget how she laid there next to me in the dark, one of her hands holding mine, our fingers intertwined. We talked about how we could spend winter break together and kiss on New Year's Eve when the clock struck midnight. Her voice bubbled with so much excitement I could hear the smile on her face. Her body felt warm next to mine and I loved how she fit in so perfectly next to me, her arm draped across my chest as she fell asleep. The sound of her breathing next to me brought me the purest form of contentment I’d ever felt.

I just remember thinking how crazy I felt for believing I was in love at eighteen. There was no denying it though, because when I was with Haley, everything just felt right.

The last time I went into something without a plan, I thought to myself, bringing myself out of my thoughts.I royally fucked it up.

This time though, this time I would do things right.

The next morning,I got up early even though I hadn’t set an alarm and cursed my body for always getting me up before the sun. Didn’t it know that the season was over and I could sleep in now?

I stretched my arms above my head as I put my feet on the floor, then stood up and looked out the window. It was still dark outside but I could see cars scurrying down the road, carrying people I assumed were headed off to work before traffic hit. After walking around my room and flipping through the TV guide for fifteen minutes, I was bored and decided to go for a run.

After getting dressed for a cold, mid-January morning run, I used my phone to look up some of the coffee shops that were within running distance of where I was staying. Haley always had a fixation for coffee, especially for the kind you could get from a cute, local coffee shop. I found three on the same block of my hotel and decided that I would go for a run and then stop at each one on my way back just in case I would find her inside.

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