Page 29 of Feels Like Coming Home

But after a forty-five-minute run and looking like a borderline creep at each of the different shops, slowly walking by each of their front windows multiple times and looking in to see if I could spot a certain freckled-faced girl, I gave up and headed back to my hotel.

As I showered and waited for my room service breakfast to be delivered, I decided that my plan to go without a plan was dumb as fuck and I needed to come up with a better plan.

If only I could text her,I thought. Even if I could text her and ask where she was, she would want to know why I was asking. And if I told her, she would probably tell me to go fuck myself, which would be deserved. I hurt Haley all those years ago and while I wish she could forgive me, I also understood why she cut me out of her life and never looked back.

Suddenly, it hit me.

How I could see where I might run into her without actually needing to ask her myself.

Happy that I brought my laptop with me, I grabbed it from my backpack and set it down on my lap as I took a seat on the plush, navy suede couch that sat in the center of my “living room”. I pulled the top open, swiped my fingers on the trackpad to wake it up, and connected to the Wi-Fi as quickly as I could. For such a nice hotel, the Wi-Fi sucked, and loading anything took forever.

The last time I did what I was doing now, I discovered the details of my childhood best friend’s dead husband and went to his funeral the next day. This time, I was hoping I would find something a little less depressing but just as helpful.

As I hit enter on my laptop, her Facebook page loaded, slowly, and at the very top was a picture she was tagged in. It was of her and her friend Piper, standing on the deck of what looked like a small house on a beach. I squinted at the screen, looking for a date or location.

[Posted: 2 days ago]

Ready for some sea breeze and fresh ideas. Can’t wait to plan an epic She Who Thrives Live! event for all the amazing babes coming out this April! See you in Wilmington!

At the bottom of the post was a link which I ignored, completely enamored by her face in the photo.

Her cinnamon-colored hair fell in loose waves around her shoulders. She was smiling but I could see sadness in her eyes. Her round, hazel eyes that would intoxicate you if you stared into them for too long now had a tinge of sadness in them. It had been six months since her husband died, but anyone who knew Haley would know she was still hurting. I felt the sudden urge and need to go to her, wrap her in my arms, and tell her she wasn’t alone. That she would be okay. I was there to protect her, just like I did when we were younger.

Blinking away the thought, I scanned the post for a location, realizing that Haley wasn’t in the city like I thought she was.

Where are you and why are you at the beach? You hate the beach,I thought to myself.

I reread the post several times before I realized Piper had been the one to tag Haley in the post, and Piper had tagged their location on her own Facebook page.

Bingo.

I called down to the front desk, letting them know I needed to cancel the rest of my reservation.

I was heading to the beach.

15

HALEY | NOW

Istepped out onto the porch, closed my eyes, and inhaled the salty sea air into the deepest parts of my lungs.

For the first time in six months, I felt like I could breathe again. Like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. Exhaling, I opened my eyes again and blinked a few times as they adjusted to the morning sun.

Piper and I arrived at our beach house, which was more of a bungalow, a few days ago. Ever since we got here, I’d had this sense of calm and peace I hadn’t felt since Connor’s passing. I watched as the waves rocked in and out on the shore, nothing able to stop their movement, and was in awe of their ability to hold that kind of control over themselves.

Control.

That was something I felt like I had lost the second I got the call about Connor and I hadn’t been able to get back since.

I was up before Piper which I didn’t mind. It gave me time to sit by myself and let my mind just be. Plus, Piper was cranky in the morning if she was forced to greet the day before she was ready.

I took a seat on the porch swing and tucked my feet under myself. I started to take slow breaths in and out of my nose; something Deborah taught me to do when I was starting to feel overwhelmed by my emotions.

As I looked out towards the horizon, I thought about how anxiety and fear started to creep in after losing Connor. There was a feeling I couldn’t shake that I would lose another person in my life suddenly, just like I lost him. Panic attacks and crippling anxiety overcame me and most days, I struggled to get out of bed. During our sessions together, Deborah taught me that I didn’t need to let my emotions, or the feeling of being overwhelmed by them, control my life if I didn’t want to. Then, she taught me how to breathe like I was now.

Deep inhale in. Hold. Deep exhale out.

At first, I thought it was dumb as hell.

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