Page 33 of Feels Like Coming Home

As Cam and I walked through town, passing the elementary school and the park, my brain swirled with emotions. My thoughts were running around in my head and my heart felt tight in my chest. I needed another cup of coffee. Some people drank alcohol or smoked while they were stressed. I just drank copious amounts of coffee.

“So…” Cam started, pulling me out of my thoughts, “How are you?” He turned his head to look at me as we walked down the cracked sidewalk that was more sand than cement. The sunlight hit his face in such a way that I swear to God, made his deep emerald eyes sparkle.

“I’m okay.” I started to give him the same spiel I gave everyone when they asked the sad mourning widow how she was doing but then decided that this was Cam, and I could be honest with him.

“Actually…I’m really fucking sad all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my grief. I started therapy months ago because things were so bad I couldn’t get out of bed or leave my house. That’s why Piper and I are here. I felt the walls caving in on me at home and I couldn’t take it anymore.” I took a breath and felt a wave of relief wash over me. It felt good to finally get the words off my chest.

He kept walking, matching my pace and watching his feet as we went. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and tried to guess how he would respond. I fully expected him to say he was sorry. Everyone always said they were sorry and it always pissed me off. I’ve never understood why people apologized for things they had no impact on creating or causing.

When we made it to the end of the block, I turned the corner that led us down the street the bungalow sat on. It was at the end of a dead-end road that, if you kept driving, would lead you straight to the ocean.

He still hadn’t said anything after a minute and I started to worry that I had dumped too much on him. I was about to apologize when he finally broke the silence.Here comes the apology.

“That really fucking sucks,” he said, keeping his eyes on his shoes and his thumbs tucked into his pockets.

“What?” I stopped walking and looked at him, surprised by his response.

“I said that really fucking sucks,” he repeated.

“You aren’t going to apologize?”

“Do you want me to?” He stopped and turned to look at me. I thought about it for a moment, trying to ignore the tingling in my belly as Cam and I held each other's gaze and realized that no, I didn’t want another apology. They didn’t change anything anyway and they didn’t bring Connor back, so what was the point?

“No, I guess not.”

“I bet people have been saying that a lot to you recently.” Cam’s head dropped slightly to one side with pity in his voice.

“Yeah, they have and it’s really starting to annoy me,” I hissed under my breath, starting to walk toward home again. He laughed through his nose and smiled just enough for me to notice.God, he has a good smile.

“Well, I won’t add to the annoyance then. What you’re going through sucks and you don’t deserve to have to go through it.” My lips pressed together into a tight smile, feeling a strange sense of comfort in Cam’s willingness to acknowledge my feelings instead of trying to apologize them away.

“Thanks,” was all I could muster up.

“So you said you’re here planning something?”

I silently thanked him for changing the subject and took the question as an invitation to explain She Who Thrives and what the live conference was all about. As I talked, he listened intently and nodded his head. He only interrupted when he had a question and when he did, I answered them eagerly. He was genuinely curious and interested in what I had built for myself and my heart swelled at how much he seemed to care. So many people in my life saw my business as a “cute little thing,” but not Cam. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had created over the years.

“I’m not surprised.” He gave me an admiring look as I finished explaining how we had almost sold out 400 seats to the live conference this spring.

“You’re not surprised about what?”

“I’m not surprised that you built something from nothing and now have almost 400 women coming to sit in a room with you for three days. You always had this energy about you that drew people in. I know I’ve been drawn to it since we were in high school.”

I felt my cheeks flush and dropped my head so my hair covered my face. I could only hope Cam hadn’t seen how much his words impacted me.

When I looked up, he had his signature sly grin on his face and was looking at me out of the corner of his eye. We were walking side by side down the sidewalk, getting closer to the bungalow with every step. I was so surprised by what he had said that my mind couldn’t come up with anything to say next. What was it about this man that caused my brain to go blank and my core to get so warm with just one look?

We continued our walk back to the bungalow without talking, letting the sounds of the small coastal town take over. While it was still too early for tourist season, there were still people here who, I assumed, were traveling here to escape some bitter winter back home.

We walked in silence, Cam with his hands tucked into his front pockets and watching his feet, his hair falling into his eyes. It reminded me of the walk we took in the park all those years ago when he tried to kiss me but I didn’t let him.

I wonder where we would be now if Ihadlet him kiss me. Would I have started She Who Thrives? Would we live in Charlotte? Would we have kids? So many what-ifs ran through my head that I didn’t even realize we had made it back to the bungalow until we had almost passed it.

I looked toward the house, standing in front of the little white gate that led into the front yard.

“Well…this is me.” I exhaled deeply and looked at Cam who was standing behind me on the main sidewalk.

“Nice place.” His eyes traveled past the yard and onto the bungalow, taking in its wrap-around porch.

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