Page 38 of Feels Like Coming Home

“So I was thinking about you while I was gone, and I feel as if it’s my duty as your best friend to ask the question.”

I sighed, unsure of what the question would be, but was ready for anything. I’ve known Piper for years and had learned to brace myself for whatever question she might throw at me. I looked at her and waited, my eyebrows raised, and gave her a small smile as an open invitation to ask whatever it was that she wanted to ask.

She paused for a single beat. “How are you?”

I looked at my friend and could see the concern in her eyes. She knew how much I had grown to hate this question because it was the only thing people seemed to ask me these days, so her asking it now was a big deal. I chewed on my bottom lip for a second, truly considering how I was before answering.

“I’m confused.” Piper tilted her head to the other side and furrowed her eyebrows together at my response.

“Is it okay that I ask you why you’re confused?”

Exhaling deeply, I moved around the counter and took a seat on one of the barstools before placing my chin in the palm of my hand like people do when they’re thinking. “I guess I’m just confused about all the feelings I'm having right now.”

“And what feelings are those? If you wanna talk about it!” she quickly added, remembering my outburst from earlier. I smiled at her and reached for her hand.

“I do want to talk about it,” I started. “I guess I’m just confused about my feelings toward Cam, and how I feel like I shouldn’t have any feelings for him at all. I haven’t seen him in over ten years and he just comes waltzing in and my heart is all, ‘Okay, time to turn to mush now!’ It just feels wrong, like it’s too soon. It hasn’t even been a year since losing Connor. I’m a horrible person for feeling like this. I feel so guilty, so ashamed. It makes me feel like I didn’t love Connor enough when he was still with us.” A single tear slipped down my cheek as I finished speaking.

“Hays…hey…sweetie, look at me.” Piper was sitting next to me and dropped her head so I could see her.

“There’s nothing wrong with how you feel and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having those feelings. Everyone grieves differently and everyone goes through this process in their own way. You are not a bad person for feeling something for Cam, he was a really big part of your life, right?”

I nodded in her direction while trying to swallow the giant mass that had formed in my throat as I fought back more tears.

She continued, “I know how hard it’s been for you since losing Connor, and I know how fucked up things were left with Cam. None of this is easy but you’re here, dealing with it the best you can. You are so strong, Haley, stronger than I would be.”

“I don’t feel strong at all. I feel like a horrible wife! I shouldn’t be so quick to have feelings for anyone right now! And I don’t even know what these feelings are.” I brought my hands to my face, trying to cover the shame and guilt I felt. “Connor was the best husband and man to me. How could I betray him like this?!”

“You aren’t betraying anyone, Hays. You aren’t. I know it’s hard to hear, but Connor is gone. You’re still here. I know it hasn’t been long, and I know you’re still grieving and healing from the loss of him. But I think Connor would want you to be happy if you had the chance to be, don’t you think?” Piper’s hands were on my wrist and she spoke to me in a soft, comforting voice.

I thought about her words and a lost memory came to the front of my mind. It was one I shared with Connor, a conversation we once had. We had been talking about work and life and being together. One of us asked if we would want the other person to move on if something ever happened to us. We both agreed that we would want the other person to be happy, even if that meant moving on. I sniffed back some tears and my lips pulled back into a sad smile as I thought about it.

“Yeah, I think he would. I just don’t know if I'm ready to move on yet.”

“No one is saying that you have to, Hays. Just because you have feelings for Cam, whatever they may be, doesn’t mean you need to act on them if you aren’t ready. It’s okay to have feelings and let them be just that—feelings.”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and Piper handed me a tissue so I could wipe the snot running from my nose. I flung my arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug, feeling even more grateful that she was my friend and she was here, standing next to me as I worked through my grief. There would never be enough words to express how much Piper meant to me.

“You’re right, feelings can be just feelings. I don’t have to act on them if I’m not ready.”

Piper squeezed my right index finger, got up from her seat, and walked down the hallway to leave me with my thoughts.

Feelings were just feelings. I could agree with that.

But when would I get to the point of being ready to turn those feelings into something more?

Several hours passedas Piper and I worked to make progress on planning the She Who Thrives! Live conference. We didn’t even realize how late it was until Piper’s stomach growled so loudly that it broke both of us out of our focus. We laughed hysterically at just how loud it was.

“I guess it’s time to eat,” she laughed again before closing her computer and standing from the desk. She started toward the door and turned to look at me when I didn’t get up right away.

“Are you coming? I got stuff to make salmon for us tonight.”

“Uh, yeah, I am. I just want to finish this one thing first,” I spoke slowly, trying to finish what was on my screen.

“Okay, I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re done.”

I was in the flow of creating some social media content for the event that I wanted to finish before I walked away for the day. If I didn’t, the creative juices would be gone for good and I would have to start over tomorrow. Sitting at the large conference-style table in the office, I continued to work until I heard the doorbell ring.

That’s weird,I thought.Who the heck is at the door?From down the hall, I could hear Piper answer the door and start to speak.

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