Page 51 of Feels Like Coming Home

After falling asleep on the couch—twice—I finally crawled into bed with the idea of Haley as my wife still lingering in my brain. My heart ached as I thought about waking up next to her every day, bringing her coffee as she worked, and getting to watch her from across the table as we ate dinner together night after night.

The thought of getting to make love to her formed in my mind and just the thought of it made my heart start to race. Getting to be with her in that way, the two of us becoming one and feeling everything with her all at once, was enough to knock the breath straight out of me.

It was also enough for my hard-on to come back, and for the second time that night, I got myself off at the thought of a naked Haley crying out my name.

25

HALEY | NOW

“Haley, it’s so nice to see you! How’s beach life treating you, dear?” The southern drawl of Deborah’s voice filled my ears and the warmth of it washed over me.

Piper’s words about talking to Deborah about Cam have been running around in my head for days. After spending time with Cam on the beach, the feelings I had locked up in a box for so many years were starting to slip out. There were a few times I found myself unable to focus on anything other than Cam and what he’d said to me and I knew I needed to book a session with Deborah to talk about it. She and I hadn’t met since I sat in her office, and she told me I needed to get out more. It wasn’t until her face came up on my screen that I realized just how much I missed her.

“I’m good, Deborah. Thanks for meeting with me this way, I know it’s not what you usually do, so I really appreciate it.”

“Oh dear, I’d do anything for my favorite patients. But you didn’t hear that from me.” She gave me a wink and moved a notepad across the screen, ready to take notes as we talked.

Piper had been kind enough to give me the house while I met with Deborah and was out at the grocery store for some much needed restocks.

“I was so happy when I got your message yesterday asking for a meeting. I wasn’t sure if I should expect to hear from you while you were away. I need you to know how proud I am of you for taking my suggestion to get out more. But I will say, I was a little surprised by how much you took the suggestion to heart!” She looked at me, inviting me to elaborate on why I decided to go all in on the ‘get out of your house more’ idea.

“Well, when you first suggested it, I was against it. The thought of leaving my house felt overwhelming. But the more I thought about it, and the more I thought aboutstayingin my house, the more overwhelmed I got. Our home—my home—was starting to feel like it was collapsing around me, like the walls were caving in. So I left and came here.” I brought my hands up to the camera to encapsulate the house in one fell swoop.

“And how does it feel to be there? In a fresh spot and somewhere where there aren’t any reminders of Connor?” Hearing his name caught me off guard because I hadn’t thought about Connor since the night on the beach with Cam a few days ago. It’s not that I was forgetting Connor, more so that the thoughts of him were no longer strangling my mind like they had been since I lost him.

“It feels…freeing.” I exhaled as I made the connection, realizing how right that word felt. It did feel freeing to be in a place, in a house, where there weren’t any painful reminders of what I had lost. Every corner of my home back in Wilmington was like a sharp piece of glass waiting to cut me if I wasn’t careful. Even being in town was painful because the people there knew I had lost my husband. But being here, where no one knew me, felt like a breath of fresh air that I had been struggling to take in.

Deborah looked at me through the screen and I could tell she was waiting for me to continue. “Back home, I felt like there were invisible hands around my throat, slowly squeezing until I wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. But here, I feel like I can finally fill my lungs for the first time. There’s no pain here, no harmful memories of what I’ve lost, no dark cloud hanging over me. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.”

Deborah’s eyes were squished together at the corners, a large smile growing on her face as she made notes on what I’d shared. “I’m so glad to hear it’s been such a healing experience. I know how hard leaving must have been for you, but it sounds like you’re starting to make progress toward getting back to your old self again. What else is going on? How’s the conference planning going?”

Touched that Deborah had remembered the She Who Thrives conference, I filled her in on all the progress Piper and I were making. We had set the goal to have all the seats filled and a sold-out event by the end of February, which was four weeks from now. Deborah nodded her head as I spoke excitedly about the vendors we had booked, the catering we had scheduled, and the speakers we had invited to attend.

Pride rose in my chest as I thought about the conference and everything Piper and I had achieved, even through the darkest season of my life. Without Piper, and even without Deborah, I don’t think I would have been able to accomplish everything we have.

“It sounds like things are going well! There is a vibrancy in your voice I haven’t heard before, Haley, and it makes me so happy to hear it,” Deborah told me, tears pricking my eyes. Deborah reminded me so much of my mom, and hearing her say she was happy for me made me feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

“Thank you, Deborah. I’ve been trying to practice what you’ve taught me during our sessions and I feel like I am starting to feel good again. There are times though, that I feel unsure of if I'm making the wrong choices…like the choices I'm making are a betrayal to Connor and his memory.”

“And what choices are you talking about, dear?” I hadn’t told Deborah about Cam yet. I hadn’t even told her about how Cam and I reconnected that day before Connor’s funeral at the coffee shop. I quickly filled her in oneverythingthat had ever happened between Cam and me, from the very beginning of our friendship and that night in my dorm room, all the way up to the moments we shared on the beach two days ago and how he told me he wanted to do more than just kiss me. I even told her how Piper swore he wanted to fuck me, but I didn’t use that word when I shared that part.

Deborah listened intently, never interrupting me but laughing just a little when I shared Piper’s comment. By the time I got to the end of my story, our session time was nearly up.

“I know that there’s a chance Cam could run out on me again, he’s done it before, even when I was honest about my feelings for him. But something in me is pulling me toward him. At the same time though, I feel like I'm betraying Connor’s love and his memory by wanting to be with Cam in the way I want to be with him.”

“Are you worried you’re moving on from Connor too soon?” Deborah asked, her voice soft and open.

“That’s the thing, it doesn’t really feel like moving on with Cam. It feels like going home.”

Deborah nodded, her lips pressed together, and her hand moving quickly as she wrote down more of what I was saying. I hadn’t thought about how it felt to be with Cam, but once the words left my lips, I knew it was true. It felt like I was going back to something I’d always known, like an old, perfectly worn-in sweatshirt or the home you grew up in. It felt warm and safe to be with him, even if pain and heartache littered our past.

“Haley, I know how much you loved Connor and how much you still love him. I also know how confusing it must be to have someone as important as Cam come back into your life when he did. You’re dealing with a lot of emotions right now, and I want you to know you are handling them in the best way you can. We are complex beings, us humans, and the work of the heart can make things even messier. Only we can decide when it's the right time for us to open up our hearts again when they’ve been bruised or broken. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Deborah’s eyebrows were raised and her chin dipped, still looking at me through the screen.

While I understood what she was getting at, I didn’t like her answer. I let out a huff and nearly whined, “So you can’t just tell me whether or not it would be a huge mistake if I slept with Cam?”

Deborah laughed a deep belly laugh at my question. “You know I’m not supposed to laugh at my patients, dear, it’s unprofessional.” I sent her a smile. “But no, I can’t tell you that. You must decide that on your own and trust that your heart will tell you when the time is right. As long as you listen to it, it’ll tell you.”

I pressed my lips together tightly, annoyed that Deborah wasn’t going to give me a straight answer. I wanted to be with Cam because being with him made me feel like my old self. The woman I was before I lost Connor. I missed that woman. But the thought of being with Cam also brought me a deep sense of betrayal and guilt because it meant that I was moving on from Connor, and part of my heart was telling me it was too soon.

---