Page 70 of Feels Like Coming Home

When she came to school that day in ninth grade, wearing that short denim skirt that hugged her hips in all the right places, I was never the same.

I was whipped, intoxicated, and so totally in love with her. But something,somethinginside of me made me question if it was right. To love her like I did. That’s why I always did stupid ass things like date other girls and leave without saying goodbye.

Something about loving her felt wrong. Like I was putting her happiness in jeopardy.

What if I loved her and I fucked it up? What if I loved her and it wasn’t enough? What if I wasn’t enough?

But keeping her at a distance never worked either. All it ever seemed to do was hurt her more.

I knew how much it hurt her when I left that morning after sleeping next to her all night, yet I did it anyway. And when she continued to try to get me to talk to her, I ignored her completely. I thought that if I just kept her as my friend, and kept her at a distance, everything would be fine. She and I could just be friends and be happy with being friends.

But when she texted me all those years ago saying she couldn’t do it anymore, I knew I had fucked up. And I knew I had blown up any kind of relationship we had into a million little pieces when she never texted me back. I couldn’t even be mad that she hadn’t, because I had just done the very same thing to her. When I saw her update her profile to ‘Dating’ a year later, I vowed to leave her alone for good. She was happy, finally, and I needed to let her be happy.

What we have now, though—it feels like a second chance. It feels as if the universe is bringing us together again for a reason, and I wasn’t going to fuck it up.

I love Haley.

I’ve loved Haley for almost twenty years and this was my chance to try again. To make it right. And no matter how much time she needed or how much space she asked for, I would give it to her. I will fight for her and show her that I can be the man she needs me to be for her.

That I'm a man of my word and I will do whatever it takes to make her happy.

Because I will.

Forever and always.

34

CAM | THEN

Haley, wait.

Please give me another chance. I'm so sorry for leaving and for not texting you back. I was an idiot and I was scared, but I’m not now…and I want to be with you.

I came to visit you a few weeks ago because I felt this hole in my gut that wouldn’t go away. I felt this emptiness in me that I never felt when we were back home and for a while, I thought it was because I was homesick. But after my parents came to visit and I even took a quick trip home, it was still there. That’s when I knew it wasn’t home I was missing, it was you.

It was your laugh and how your smile shows all your teeth. It was how you punch me in the arm when I'm being stupid and when you do, my whole body starts to tingle. I was missing your freckles and how they splash across your cheeks like stars in the night sky. And your hair, your soft hair that I wish I could run my fingers through right now.

And after that night in your room, I miss your lips and how they feel on mine. I miss feeling your skin brush against me, so soft and warm. I miss how good you smell and how it feels to bury my nose into your neck just so I can inhale every ounce of you. I miss every part of you.

Part of me feels like I'm starving without you.

The last few weeks have sucked because I’ve wanted to text you, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to say all of this to you that night and every day since, but I didn’t because I was scared. I’ve only ever wanted to make you happy, Jones. But part of me worries I won’t always be able to make you happy enough and that kills me on the inside. Maybe I was wrong though, maybe I could. I would really like to try if you’ll let me?

I love you Haley Jones. I’ve loved you since we were in the ninth grade and I think I’ll love you forever. You’ve ruined me and made me better all at the same time.

I’m so sorry I hurt you. Please, give me another chance.

I love you. Forever and always.

35

HALEY | NOW

The week went by quickly enough and before I knew it, it was Friday.

As promised, Cam picked me up for our date promptly at 6:30. He had texted me earlier that afternoon and told me to bring a sweater and something I could wear while sitting on the ground. When I tried to ask him why, he told me that questions weren’t allowed and that I needed to be patient. I was both annoyed and curious but made sure to follow the directions given to me.

After standing in front of my closet and wishing I’d brought more clothes with me on this trip, I settled on a long, floral maxi skirt with a long-sleeved shirt underneath and a cream, cable-knit sweater to throw on top if I needed to. It was the first half of February and when the sun went down, it got chilly outside. I hoped that by doubling up on my layers, I would be okay if we were sitting outside for an extended period of time.

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