Page 84 of Feels Like Coming Home

She looked up at me and started chewing on her bottom lip again.

“When I saw you in Charlotte, in the coffee shop, I took it as a sign that this was my chance to make things right. Even if I could only be your friend again, I was okay with that, because it meant I could have you in my life again.” I rubbed her cheek with my thumb before continuing.

“I promise, when I say this, I will do anything to keep you in my life. I will do anything to show you that I mean it when I say that I love you, because I do. I have ever since we were kids growing up in the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania. I just wasn’t brave enough to show you then.” I kissed her again.

“But I am now, and I promise you, I will do anything to show you that I mean it. Whatever it takes, Haley, I will do it. Because I love you and I will show you that I love you every fucking day if you let me.”

I watched her blink back tears and my insides grew warm as her lips started to lift into a small smile. She roped her arms around my neck and she hugged me tightly.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to say that to me,” she whispered into my ear. I pressed my lips into her neck.

“Forever and always, Haley.”

“Forever and always, Cam.”

39

HALEY | NOW

The last few weeks went by in a blur and before I knew it, it was the middle of March, and Piper and I only had two weeks left at the bungalow. We’d booked it through the end of the month, and once we were home, we would have two weeks left to finalize everything for the conference. Thinking back to the beginning of January when I booked this place, it felt like a lifetime ago. I booked it to escape the pain I was trapped in. To escape my house that made me feel like I was being suffocated. To escape the constant memories of what I’d lost.

But now, almost three months later, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt any of it. The pain. The grief. The crippling anxiety that left me unable to leave my home or sleep in my bed. The other missing thing in my life recently, I’ve realized, were my thoughts about Connor.

Connor used to consume every thought I had every minute of every day. I thought about him as I worked. I daydreamed about our future together while I was at the gym. I would send him steamy texts during my meetings with Piper whenever I worked outside of the house. So much of who I was as a person was wrapped up in Connor. When I lost him, I felt like I lost a part of myself.

But now, I’d started to remember who I was again.

When I realized it had been over a week since I had thought of Connor, I booked a session with Deborah to talk about it. Part of me felt bad for not thinking about Connor as much anymore. Another part of me felt excited about who I was becoming.

I was starting to feel lighter.

I was starting to laugh deeper.

I was starting to feel happy.

While I would love to give myself all the credit for putting myself back together, I couldn’t. I couldn't because I knew deep in my core that if it weren’t for Cam, I would still be a shell of my former self. Well, Cam and Piper.

But mostly Cam.

He came into my life again like a freight train, knocking every wall I had built up to protect my heart from him down in one fell swoop. It was like when you watched him on the field and he caught a forty-yard pass to run it into the end zone. He made it look so effortless. That’s how things felt when we were together—effortless. And the more time we spent together, the more he carefully and thoughtfully put my broken pieces back together.

We had fallen into a routine over the last two weeks since Cam stayed over and slept in my bed with me. Both of us making a sacred promise that only we understood.

Forever and always.

It was something we’d said to one another growing up, but as adults, it meant so much more. It meant he wouldn’t leave me—even though part of me held onto a fear that he would—and it meant that I would work to let him in—which I was trying to do. It also meant that we were an ‘us.’ And being an ‘us’ with Camden Johnson lit my entire soul on fire. My mom nearly cried when I told her. She had always liked Connor, but she always loved Cam.

On the days I wasn’t waking up with Cam next to me, I would have a ‘Good morning, beautiful’ text waiting for me on my phone. He would go for his run, stop at Coastal Brews, and bring Piper and me coffee before we got started on our workday. When he stopped by, he would pull me outside and kiss me against the front door, not caring if any of the neighbors saw. He would then offer to bring over lunch for Piper and me, and I would tell him no for the hundredth time. Then he would pull me in for another kiss and say, “I’m just trying to find an excuse to come by and see my girl.”

If we worked late or I hadn’t texted him by a certain time in the evening, he would show up with dinner from one of the beachside restaurants and feed us. Piper would never complain and I was always happy to see him.

Then there were the days that I did wake up with Cam next to me. The days when, even when Piper and I had worked past ten and I was so exhausted I could fall asleep on my laptop, I would sneak out of the house and jump into Cam’s car to go back to his hotel room with him. We would talk, have incredible, mind-blowing sex, stay up until two or three in the morning, and then in the morning, Cam would walk me home and hold my hand the entire way there.

My favorite days were the ones where Piper and I would wrap up the workday early and Cam would come over and sit on the porch swing with me. Sometimes we would talk, but most times we just sat together, fitting into one another's sides like perfectly matched puzzle pieces, watching the waves go in and out.

These were the moments I wanted to commit to memory. How Cam looked at me while I drank my coffee or read my email on my phone. The way he would press his nose into my neck and try to slyly sniff my perfume as if I didn’t know what he was doing. Or how he would banter back and forth with Piper, my chosen sister, as if they had known each other forever. With every passing moment, I could feel myself coming alive again.

I knew I was falling in love with Cam. I knew from the moment I saw him almost ten months ago in that coffee shop in Charlotte that I had never really stopped loving him. It was as if I had put my feelings for him on a shelf, and when the time came, I pulled them back out and brushed off the dust that had settled on them. He made me feel safe and secure. He made me feel like I wasn’t broken, even though I could still feel where I was in some places. He made me laugh and told me I was beautiful and brought me coffee without me even asking. And I loved him for it. Even if I hadn’t said the words to him quite yet.

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