Page 68 of Desperate Haste

I’ve already lost one person this year and I’m not going to lose another.

Knowing I need to get up if I want to make it to training and then to the bar on time, I drag my ass out of bed and head for the bathroom to shower and get ready. As the hot water creates steam around me, my eyes close and I feel myself starting to doze off—the exhaustion of the last two and a half months pressing squarely on the backs of my eyes and the only relief coming from finally letting them rest. I don’t have time for rest though, I have a legacy to uphold. People to make proud. A woman to take care of.

After scrubbing my body and washing my hair, I step out of the shower to dry off before wrapping the towel around my waist as I stand in front of the small vanity. Looking at myself, I start to notice some of the subtle changes in my face. My eyes are heavy with developing dark circles under them that never seem to dissolve. My skin looks like it has been faded by the Charleston sun and my hair is finer and coarser than it naturally is.Stress will do that to you, I think to myself.

So will never living up to the exceptionally high expectations the people in your life have for you,I hear another voice say condescendingly.You’re not doing enough. You’re not enough. You’re failing them just like you failed your parents. Once a failure, always a failure. Marshall would be so disappointed in you.

The voice continues to mock me as I brush my teeth, shave, and pull my hair back, tying it behind my head. I’m about to leave to go and throw on some clothes to workout when I hear it again.

Forgetting something? You’re going to need it, remember? The only way to make it through the day is with it. It’s the only thing keeping your life together right now.

My hands find the edge of the sink and the pads of my fingers squeeze the porcelain edge so hard I’m convinced it’s going to crack. The reasonable side of my brain, the side that knows better, is screaming at me to walk away. That I don’t need it. That I’ll be okay without it. But everyone’s been noticing how well I’ve been doing, how light I’ve seemed. They are proud of me.

And I don’t want to disappoint them.

I squat down and open the bottom drawer beneath the sink and pull out a small, nondescript cardboard box that’s hidden in the back of it. Opening it up, I pull out the plastic bag that holds two orange innocent looking pills.

One a day. That’s it. Never more. I can handle one a day. Just one won’t hurt.

Looking at how few I have, I make a note that I’ll have to get more this weekend. I know people from back when I relied on them years ago that had given me a new hookup when I needed it after losing Marshall. And I’ve been fine since then.

It’s only one a day.

I dump a pill into the palm of my head and quickly throw it back before the shame and guilt I feel for my dependence on it takes over. It’s just one. It’s no big deal. I can stop whenever I want.

Once it’s swallowed, I throw the bag back into the box, close it up, and walk away from my stash as if nothing happened at all.

* * *

I’m sittingin the office at Butcher and Block, going over payroll, and looking at our numbers for the week when my phone buzzes. I reach for it and see that the group chat with my friends has ignited.

3 New Message: Dungeons and Dickheads

Kolbi:

I’ve asked Magnolia to marry me and she’s said yes.

There’s a photo following the text with him bent down behind her, kissing her cheek, and her holding up her left hand that now adorns a massive diamond on her ring finger.

Hank:

Congratulations man! Bailey just screamed from our bedroom, I’m going to assume Magnolia just texted her the news.

Connie:

Oh good, another suit to buy.

I rolled my eyes at Conrad’s text but Hank gets to him before I can.

Hank:

Conrad please for once resemble anything close to a human and show some emotion. You might be the Tinman but I know you have a heart in there somewhere.

Connie:

What?! I’m excited for you Kolbi. That’s great, I’m just simply pointing out that I’ll have to get another suit. I’m assuming this will be a big production, knowing your bride to be.

Hey congratulations Kolb. I’m really happy for you.

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