Page 33 of Never Been Worse

“I’m sorry?” she asks.

“I thought that was like, a prerequisite?” Jules asks. Her phone is set up somewhere in the kitchen, and distantly I can hear Nate’s daughter singing some song she made up to herself.

“Yeah, I mean, if you got married because you dated and did the whole rigmarole of a relationship. Less so if you got married because he’s in your ex’s favorite band and it sounded like a good idea at the time.”

“Hey, Harp, I hate to tell you this because you seem a bit frazzled as is, but I think your husband has liked you for, like, a long time,” Jules says, carefully.

“We’vebeensaying that,” Ava says.

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

“I’m not having this conversation again. He’s doing me afavor,you guys. That’s all.”

“Ah, yes, I always give the quick favor ofmatrimonyto my acquaintances,” Ava says.

I shake my head, not wanting to get into this. “I just need to…stop thinking about him in any way other than platonic.” Silence takes over the call before Ava sighs and sits back.

“You should fuck him,” Ava says, and I jolt back at the suggestion.

“What?”

“Oh, you totally should,” Jules says, her voice going low with Sophie somewhere in the vicinity. “You know.”

“I just said I need to only think about him platonically. Why on Earth would I fuck him?”

“Get him out of your system and all,” Ava explains with a shrug as if it’s common sense.

I think about it for a moment, seeing the value in it, but then quickly shake my head before she can get any grand ideas. “No. No! You’re insane. That would just... complicate things.”

“Then simplify it,” Jules says. “Have you thought about him while you…” The words trail off, and she blushes, but I don’t understand what she’s trying to say.

“While I what?”

“While you fuck yourself. Vibrator, fingers, whatever. Have you used him as your spank bank material?” Ava asks bluntly.

“I truly wonder how on earth you were crowned Miss Americana,” I ask, aghast.

“I was a personality win,” she boasts with a smile. “So, have you?”

“No! Of course, I haven’t! We’re staying in a hotel room together!”

“He’s not there right now, obviously, with you screaming about being in love with him and whatnot,” she says. My eyes widen, and I open my mouth to argue, but she keeps talking. “Maybe you should try. Maybe that will reset something in your brain. We packed you a vibrator.”

“You what?”

“It’s in the side pocket on the inside, left side,” Jules says. “We thought it would be good for an emergency.”

“And this is definitely an emergency,” Ava says.

“You guys are insane. Why would I—” A loud beep comes from Ava’s side of the call, and she curses.

“Fuck, I gotta go. I think I just burned cookies. Again. Love you, Harp. Go finger yourself and think about that hot rockstar!” she says, then hits end before I can argue.

“I hate to say this, but I have to go, too. I gotta take Sophie to the dentist,” Jules says.

“And then to the toy store!” Sophie shouts from the background.

“I don’t think so, miss, not with that room looking the way it does.”

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