Page 26 of Irrevocably Mine

While it had not been enough to build a marriage on, it had been enough to tie them together forever, through Macy. Sam was nervously making small talk, but Dax couldn’t keep up, not with the elephant in the room. Finally, he interrupted her talk of weather and rehab. Taking her hands, which hadn’t stopped nervously wringing since he entered, in his, he blurted, “I’ll eventually forgive you, Sam. I knew I would the moment I looked into our daughter’s eyes and saw the job you did raising her. It won’t be easy, and I don’t know when, but I can and will.”

The tears she shed were accompanied by a sigh of relief Sam breathed. Dax released her hands and she tugged them to her face to swipe at the tears tracking down her cheeks. When she wrapped her arms around her waist, it hit home how terrified she was of his reaction. “Thank you, Dax. I don’t deserve it, but I’ll take it. This is not easy for either of us, but you deserve to know why I did what I did.”

As much as Dax wanted answers, it was draining Sam to deal with it all; there would be time. He kept reminding himself what mattered in this moment. She’d never badmouthed him to his daughter. She didn’t lie to her about him, except in a way to try to make sure he held a place in her heart. Even with everything she’d stolen from him where Macy was concerned, he couldn’t forget that. Yes, he was still upset, and angry, but it wasn’t the time to address it. He wanted to rail at her, yell even, and hold her accountable for every single second she had taken from him, but now was not the time.Remember, she is the mother of your child, and Macy will never forgive you if you hurt her or set back her recovery. That was the thought that stayed his tongue.

“I don’t need to know now, Sam.” For the most part, it was true. He could live the rest of his days without knowing, but he was curious. That sense of inadequacy as a husband did gnaw away at him. He would appreciate some closure, but not at the expense of her recovery or his daughter’s irritation with him.

“But, I need to tell you.” She was draining fast, so Dax acquiesced for the sake of expediency. At his nod, she began, “Let me start by saying not a single decision I made was your fault nor could you have changed it. You were a good man, Dax. I was so in love with you back in high school. I thought nothing could hold us back. What we had was the stuff books were written about. But, high school wasn’t the real world. You started leaving me behind. You were going to college and acing every single class you took. You had jobs and work friends…things that made you happier than I did.”

Dax wanted to protest, but he found her words to be kind of truthful. Those things did add a joy to his life that Sam never did. Guilt that he had caused this started to assail him.

“I wasn’t good at any of those things. I was good at being there when you got home. Having dinner ready and the house cleaned. I was good at sex. Those were my three specialties, while you were good at everything. I began to feel like I was holding you back, and in a way, I was, but I was selfish and I didn’t care that I held you back, at least that’s what I told myself. Now, I understand what was going on, but back then, I didn’t.”

“I didn’t…”

“Please, just let me finish, then I’ll answer your questions. I know you’ll have a million. I did, still do. Anyway, Macy came along and I thought things would be different, better. They were different, but not exactly better. Every time you looked at her, you fell a little bit more in love with her, and I fell a little bit more in love with you. I saw the love you were capable of in everything you shared with her. The love you never held for me.” Dax made a sound of protest and was halted again by his wife. It was weird to think of it that way.

“I know you loved me, Dax, I never doubted that, but you were never in love with me. Anyway, the closer you two got, the more escape I needed from it. I kind of blamed you. Since you didn’t seem to want me physically, I chose to escape that way. I don’t know if you ever realized it, but I can never apologize enough. You deserved so much better, but at the time, I needed to feel something that you couldn’t or wouldn’t give me.”

“I knew. I knew and I did nothing to discourage it, so you are not solely to blame, Sam. I should’ve said something or…did something. I hate to admit it, but you’re right, I wasn’t in love with you. Not the way I needed to be to keep our family together.”

Silence overtook the room for a while. Neither spoke, but they never broke eye contact. Then, a ghost of a smile crossed Sam’s face. “You see, loyal ‘til the end. Even knowing what I was doing, even now after I took your daughter, you’re still trying to help me shoulder the blame. The truth is, Dax, I didn’t love you that way either. Sure, I thought I did, but the truth is what it is. I loved you deeply, but not as a wife should love a husband. That’s when I left. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror knowing that everything I did, I blamed you for, but I was guilty of the same. I decided I really was holding you back, just not in the way I thought. I packed up Macy and left, and I never looked back. I didn’t take her to hurt you, regardless of what you might believe, I just couldn’t live without her and I couldn’t stay with you.”

Digesting what she was saying was like trying to swallow razorblades by chasing them with bleach. No matter what she needed to say or hold true for her recovery, the fact remained that Dax was just as much to blame as Sam. They were young and stupid, neither knowing what love was. Hell, Dax didn’t know until he met Stacy. He would hold his tongue, because Sam needed to make amends.

“I never told her a negative word about you and she knows that you have always loved her, it was the least I could do. I know it’s not enough, but I am sorry for my choices that caused you pain.”

Genuine regret was like a flashing beacon coming from her heart. How could he not forgive her? For her recovery, for his daughter, and for himself, he had to. Even though he didn’t feel the depth of forgiveness she needed, he would fake it until he did.

“I know, Sammysue, and I forgive you. For everything. I hope you can forgive me, too.” His affectionate name for her wasn’t missed as the tears welled in her eyes, once again. He felt his coming on, as well. Moving around the table, he lifted her from the chair and embraced her. It felt good, not the way it once did, but better. This was an embrace between friends, parents, with no secrets and it was comforting. He wasn’t to that place yet, but he knew he would be eventually. So, he gave her the words she needed for now, and his true forgiveness would follow, for his daughter’s sake if for no other reason.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Dax, but if you need the words, then yes, I forgive you.” Their embrace lingered, neither felt the need to pull away just yet, both relishing in the forgiveness and redemption it embodied. Dax knew it would take time, but it wasn’t impossible. “I have one more thing to offer you, it’s in the papers at Addy’s, it’s a divorce. I’ve already signed it. With the custody not a contest, you should be able to sign and file and be done with me.”

“I’ll never be done with you, Sam, you’re Macy’s mother and I wouldn’t want you out of her life. I hope when you’re clean and ready, we’ll find a way to both be a part of her daily life.” Now, she was bawling in earnest, disbelief fueling her tears. She really expected him to not forgive her, hate her even.

“Do you really mean that?”

Dax dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Of course, I do. And for what’s it’s worth, I do love you. I love you as the mother of my daughter. I love you as a friend I didn’t even know I missed, and I love you as the first woman to hold a piece of my heart. It may not be the storybook love we dreamt of in high school, but I believe it is the love we were always meant to share. We just missed it because we were too busy trying to make it into something else. But I’m glad we tried. It trained us to recognize that irrevocable love in those we were meant to share it with.” Dax knew the meaning wouldn’t be lost on her, especially since she had seemingly found hers in the man who encouraged her to get clean.

Thomas Greene. He’d first learned of him from Chuck, but he became a real person, not just on paper, when his daughter’s face lit up talking about him. She believed him to be a good man, and after seeing Sam, he was convinced of it, too. He’d been called away on business, or he would’ve brought Macy to him, according to his daughter.

“Then, you approve of Tom?” He nodded. “You also sound as if you’re speaking from experience, so have you found your paperback love yet, Dax?”

“I sure have, now I just have to convince her.”

They said their goodbyes and Dax left for the hotel where Chuck and Macy waited. He dialed Stacy again and was shocked to get John. Apparently, she’d tied one on last night and he’d pocketed her phone to keep her from drunk-dialing someone. Dax couldn’t make it out because reception was horrendous before the call dropped completely. He was unsure what to make of that little bit of information, but it didn’t matter. As soon as he could get in touch with her, he’d demand an answer, one way or another. He couldn’t do the limbo, not with his daughter back in the picture. All or nothing. In or out. Full disclosure. She had to choose, and he would use everything in his arsenal to make sure she chose them. All three of them.

The butterfliesin her stomach had turned into condors as she approached Dax’s place. Not one to normally give into nerves, she tried to give herself a pep talk. Surprisingly, her inner voices were mute. They pretty much had been since they seemingly merged into one. Maybe she didn’t need them anymore and that’s why they disappeared. She had to admit, she kind of missedPuppies,though. That thought amused her as she knocked on his door. She was ready for him to open it so she could throw her arms and legs around him.

This was it, she was ready to take what she wanted and hold back nothing of herself. If his daughter came home, she’d give her all to her, too. Stacy Olivia Roberts was done living by fractions. Whole was the only option. It had always been demanded by her in other arenas of her life, and she freely gave it. From this day forward, her relationships wouldn’t be any different.

When there was no answer, Stacy let herself in. Dax trusted people and lived off the beaten path, so he always left his door unlocked. She checked the garage first. Dax spent a lot of time in there carving wood. No Dax, but she did notice the tables were gone, both hers and the other. For a minute, she wondered at that. Would he have given it to someone else? No, that was ridiculous, he wouldn’t do that. When he made something, he said the wood or steel decided the shape, and for the most part, the recipient.

Calling his name through the house produced no results. Wandering from room to room, she was fairly certain that if he was in the house, he was sleeping. It was more likely he was in his smith building out back, but she’d make sure before she trekked out there in her fuck-me boots. They were impractical, but so was the skin-tight mini skirt she was wearing with the over-the-knee-leather-invitations. If Dax didn’t get the hint when he saw them, he was brain dead.

Paying little to no attention to the open doors, she zeroed in on the closed one. Knocking lightly, she slowly opened it. At first, her senses were overwhelmed with the scent of Dax. She deeply inhaled the familiar tobacco and heat flavor that was all Dax. Stacy almost choked on it when she opened her eyes and focused on the room in front of her. “Holy shit.” She was drawn to the bed that dominated the room. It was something out of time and place, yet…not. It screamed Dax. It controlled the very air of the room…just like he did.

“How did I not see this the other night?” she asked herself as she took in every detail.Oh, yeah, because the only thing I could think about was getting his cock in me and then getting out of here the next morning.

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