Page 11 of Trip

6

JJ

“No. I’m not happy. No. There’s no one who makes me smile the way you did.”

Did. That single word crushed her. Through the years, it was all JJ could do not to just call Cris. Tell him everything. But then she looked at her best friend with her twins and she just couldn’t do it. Even if it destroyed her to shoulder the heartbreak alone. She would never forget the look on Cris’s face before he turned away and left her life.

A sad smile crossed his lips, and she mirrored it. “Did. I hate that word. Since the day I walked into Mr. Johnson’s math class and saw you sitting there, I only wanted to do things with you. Not did. Not was or used to be or my personal favorite, back in the day. When I think of you, Cris, it’s not past tense. As much as I wish it were.”

Cris, not Trip, kept his eyes downcast, denying her any feedback on if her words mattered.

“It wasn’t until recently I trained myself to use the correct tense where you’re concerned. You’ve undone that with a few semi-kind words and that smile that wraps me in an unseen embrace. One that screams love. But I’ve worked hard to become deaf to it. It barely whispers and what it says now isn’t what I want to be reminded of.”

“Jess.” Trip breathed her name like a prayer and a curse.

“I release you, Cris. Trip. From everything. I release you not only from the past, but from the present. I release you from my heart and my soul. I am letting go of it all, and I release you to do the same. Any pain I caused you, I am sorry, you didn’t deserve it. I also forgive you for any pain I felt. It’s time to let it go. You can’t move on with your life, and neither can I if we’re both so busy white-knuckling the past so tightly we can’t even grab onto anything in the present.”

Those words broke her. Coming clean to Trip would be hard but telling Meri would be damn near impossible. JJ had little choice when she could plainly see the pain it was causing others. Sadly, she didn’t know if the truth wouldn’t cause more, but it was time. She was tired of hiding it from those she loved. They deserved it. But the twins, God the twins.

JJ stood and grabbed her phone, pulling up her rideshare app.

“What are you doing?” Trip’s voice was rough and grated against her heart like nails on a chalkboard.

“I’m arranging a ride out. I’ll tell you everything and then I am heading to Meri’s and doing the same. We all need to be re—”

“If you say released one more damned time, I’m going to fucking scream.”

“Trip. It’s for the best. I promise you’ll understand. We all need to let go.”

Trip stood and snatched the phone from her hand. Tossing it on the table with more force than needed. She stared as it slid across the surface into the wall with a thump.

He cupped her cheeks with a grunt of pain. “What if I don’t want to let go or be released?”

“You have to, Trip. It’s clearly holding you back and you deserve a life with someone special and—”

Trip’s lips crushed hers in a clash of teeth so violent she tasted blood. When he pulled back, his eyes were ablaze with a look she hadn’t seen in years but missed desperately.

“What if I can’t?”

His words clawed at her heart. She wanted to scream, then don’t. Instead, JJ dug deep down inside herself to speak instead of fall under his spell.

“No. Cris, you don’t get to do this.”

His expression was one of questions woven with agony. He dropped his injured arm but kept his other hand on her cheek before sliding it behind her neck.

“Look at me.” She didn’t obey. She looked away when she saw the blue flame burning in his eyes. She knew her limitations. She was too weak for that.

Using the pressure of his hand on her neck, he took control of her free will. “Jess, now. Look. At. Me.”

If she thought his eyes were fire before, they were an inferno now.

“No.”

The message was simple. He would not be released until he wanted to be. He would not let her free them from this long-held secret. This wasn’t Cris. This was one hundred and ten percent Trip, but with the heart of Cris. It made little sense to her, but that’s what she felt in her bones.

“No? I don’t understand.”

“What’s not to understand? It's a one syllable word that’s a negative response. It means no. No. I am not released and neither are you.”

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