Page 50 of Beckon

“Chandler, you have to unburden yourself. Whatever massive stone you’re carrying around is driving a wedge between us, between you and everyone, even Tate. Especially Tate. He loves you just as much as I do but you won’t let him in either.”

“I have.” He was baffled at her words. He and Tate were closer than they’d been since… since Brady visited.

Tami sat cross-legged between his knees, looking at him with sadness but also with love. So much love. “To an extent, yes. But you only let us in in a measured dose. I think the only person you’ve let all the way in is Chester. The rest of us are just a step behind. Like you’re waiting for us to give up and walk away. But we’re here to stay if you want us to.”

“Of course, I want you to, but you won’t feel the same way when you find out that…” He trailed off, he could barely think it, much less say it.

“Find out what, Chandler.” Tami was the most patient person he knew, but she sounded like she was exhausted with it all. “There is nothing so bad to make us stop loving you. To make me stop. But you don’t trust in that love and that hurts.”

“I do trust it,” he shouted a little louder than he should’ve. “I do,” he gritted out. “But I’m a murderer, Tamitha. Do you love me now? I murdered an innocent man in cold blood.”

“Chandler, that’s not true. You had missions. You saved lives by doing what you had to do.” She reached out for his cheek, but he dodged her touch.

“That’s just it, I didn’t save lives. Not that time. The man I killed in front of his wife and daughter wasn’t a bad guy. He was a merchant. But the powers that be, decided that the brothers of the resistance leader needed to die before they could become a problem. Only they didn’t tell my team that. We were told we were taking out a monster who killed countless innocent people. We were never supposed to know the truth, but secrets don’t stay secrets forever.”

It felt like he was hyperventilating. He’d never spoken the words to anyone else and he wanted to suck them back in. Erase them from her memory. It was fear that kept him from looking into her eyes.

“So, you see.” The fire had left his voice, only shame remained. “I’m the monster, not him. He was killed because of who he shared DNA with, no other reason.”

“Chandler.” He ignored her. “Chandler.” Tami scrambled onto his lap and forced him to pay attention.

“You were lied to. That is not your shame to bear. You must tell Tate and Dr. Lee. I promise you; they’ll tell you the same. Trust me in this, you can’t begin to let it go if you carry it in secret.”

“Telling them will never erase his daughter’s screams from my brain, or the look of Wilson’s last breath. And the fact that he was killed not for freedom, but for fear. Killed for a lie. Telling Tate will destroy him.”

Tami stood. Chandler watched as she turned to the dresser and pulled on a tank and a pair of sleep shorts.

When she turned back to him with a heavy sadness in her eyes, he feared what she would say. For the first time since he’d met her and she snarked at him when he was drunk and rude, he would not appreciate what she would say.

The fear of never seeing her again raced back into his heart. Visually he tried to commit every inch of her to memory, her long brown hair which still hung damp down her back. The softness that she hated but he loved, the silvery marks that were flags Chester planted along her stomach and hips. Hidden from his view but not gone from his mind.

He drank in everything he could as fast as he could.

“Tate is stronger than you think. He deserves the truth just as much as you. It isn’t your place to decide who is privy to it. So, tell Dr. Lee if you want to heal, or don’t if you prefer to hold it close. But telling Tate isn’t an option. Telling me was, but you did that. And I thank you for sharing it with me, for letting me in, but you must tell Tate. If not for him, then be selfish for once. Do it for yourself. The truth won’t destroy him, but keeping it locked inside, will most definitely destroy you.”

He heard the unspokenand us, saw it written across her face, she didn’t have to give it voice. He stood on shaky legs, still clutching those damn shoes.

Touching her with only his forehead and nothing else, he finished her thought. “And it will destroy us.” Before he could pull away, Tami’s lips touched his and he tasted their combined tears. Their sorrow, their pain, their future and their past.

Their very existence came down to that kiss. Chandler knew he had to leave… for now. If there was ever a chance for them, he needed to exorcise that demon first.

He had to be a whole man before he could be her better half.

Chandler silently vowed he would.

“Tell me the seventh.”

“The seventh?” Her small laugh sounded watery. “Just skipping the fifth and sixth?”

“You said I’d like the seventh better, so yeah, I’m skipping ahead… for now.”

With their foreheads still together, he felt her words brush across his face as she spoke.

“The seventh was Gloria. When I finally accepted that the father of my child had been taken away because of a drunk driver and pulled myself out of that dark hole of despair, I needed purpose. I needed a way to change the world. Gloria gave me purpose. I wouldn’t be able to change the world as a whole, but I could change the world for one family at a time. She hired me on and told me I could pick whatever calls I wanted. That was seven and it eventually led me to you.”

The last sentence held an equal mixture of awe and sadness for them both.

“You were right. I did like seven the best. I will make this better, angel. I’ll be better, for us. This I promise.” He turned quickly and fled out the door with her voice chasing him down the hall.

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