Page 24 of Clear Your Mind

Ingest them.

“We were heading to a field party; I’d swung by and picked up my best friend first. I was so excited, I’d gotten a raise at work, enough that I could finally move out on my own. I wanted to share it with Jill, even had a cheap ring in my pocket that I thought was grand. I’ll never forget the look in Terry’s eye when I showed him and said I was going to pop the question.”

His lips feather against mine with each syllable he utters. The words get more bitter tasting as he speaks them into my mouth.

“That should’ve been my first clue something was up. Jill and I had been together since junior high, it was the next logical step.”

Buddy releases my neck to grab the stone again. I sit back and close my eyes. It’s easier for me not to see the change that will grace his blue eyes when he tells the next part of the story I can feel is coming. I stroke my fingers through his hair absently and lay my other hand on top of the stone at his neck.

“When Jill got in the car, she looked exhausted. In my nerves, I missed yet another clue. We get to the field, and I park next to the other car on the side of the road, ready to hike in. The second we step out of my car, Terry grabs my arm and says we need to talk. Jill argues, saying not now, and it can wait. I’m still clueless as fuck, all I can think about is the little velvet box burning a hole in my pocket.”

I try not to speak, but an “oh no” escapes my lips.

“Yeah, love, but it gets so much worse. Terry tells Jill it has to be now because I have a ring, and I was like, what the fuck. My head was just reeling, trying hard not to understand what was becoming painfully obvious. Terry tells all. They’d been sleeping together for a year. A whole fucking year. Meanwhile, I wasn’t sleeping with anyone because Jill wanted to wait.”

I can’t resist dropping a kiss on his forehead, letting my lips linger. I want to say sorry, but what good is an apology from me for his past pain?

“I was so pissed, I swung on Terry. One hit. He didn’t fight back like I wanted so I could kick his ass. So, I cursed them both, got back in my car, and left them standing there. I felt no guilt at all about driving away either. None. At least none until they weren’t seen alive again.”

My gasp is so loud I shock myself. My hands fly to my mouth and tears come. Yes, I cried for the loss of life. That’s not something to take lightly, but I also cry for the man softly weeping in my lap with a muddy aura.

His voice comes out choked. “I left them there to die. In hindsight, the car I parked next to wasn’t one I recognized. The party was another mile or so down the road. They were killed, and it’s my fault. I could’ve at least given them a ride, but I was so fucking angry.” It’s as obvious as a flashing neon sign that there’s more to the story, but I have no right to push him, especially in light of the mental punches he’s delivering to himself.

“That’s not true, Buddy, and I think you know that. But sometimes, we’re addicted to the pain. We get to a place where the pain is so overwhelming we can’t feel anything else. Then when the pain runs its course as it’s meant to do, we have an emotional void to fill. Some people find healthy ways to fill it, while others can’t remember how to feel with the lessened intensity if that makes sense. So, we find ourselves reaching for the pain to bump it up. Like an addict takes another hit.”

Buddy looks up at me in a way no one ever has before. “God, you’re fucking amazing.” In a much lower tone, I hear. “If you only knew…”

I’ve been called kooky and witchy and stupid where my perception is concerned, only my customers call me amazing for it.

It feels good. Validating. Even while his last words raise the hair on my neck, I’m basking in the glow of not being discounted offhand for my thoughts and beliefs.

Maintaining eye contact, he speaks. “I kept everyone at arm’s length, even within my club. The Iron Travelers aren’t like the kind of clubs you probably write about or the club you experienced. Morningstar runs it like a family. For a gruff-looking biker, he subscribes to the healthy mind, healthy relationships, healthy body school of thinking. He’s into all that chakra stuff. My mom was kind of like that too, but I never gave it much thought.”

I beam at that little tidbit. “They both sound like my kind of people.” The mood is lighter, but there’s another story to tell. His aura is still muddy, but I don’t know if spilling all his secrets right now is best for him. Something deep inside is telling me it’s not. He needs to process this bit first, or he’ll just pass over it.

Gently, I slide his head off my lap and swing my leg over his stomach. I feel so spiritually open to him right now. I want to join our bodies, but he has other ideas.

Grabbing my ass cheeks in a punishing grip, he guides me up his chest instead. Licking his lips, he declares, “I need you to ride my face, love.” He drags me into position and takes a long swipe with his tongue. All the way from my ass to my clit. “Ride it like you fucking stole it.”

“Shit, you don’t need to tell me twice.” I ride his fingers, tongue, and nose until I’m screaming incoherent phrases that involve a litany or cursing and pleas to random deities.

When the last drop of pleasure is wrung from my body, he maneuvers us up the bed and rolls me underneath him.

Buddy catches my left knee in the crook of his elbow and enters me in one smooth thrust…and stills. Looking deep into my soul, he pulls out slowly and slides back in just as slowly, never breaking eye contact.

“Is this okay?”

My brain is a little slow, but I realize he’s not wearing a condom. I nod.

I watch in fascination as the muddiness leaves his aura and it pulses pink and blue. Beautiful and brilliant.

Even his kiss is gentle. Not the biting frenzy that we experienced before now.

When we come together, a sense of rightness overwhelms me.

Buddy collapses on top of me for a minute and I relish the weight of him before he rolls off and pulls me in for a snuggle.

I listen to him breathe steadily, in and out. It reminds me that I’m in deep. I’ve fallen fast and hard. A shot of fear courses through my body. I’ve transferred the power to destroy my very soul to him, and he doesn’t even know it.

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