Page 47 of Clear Your Mind

All eyes in the room turn to me. “You had the right to call me on it since my responsibilities fell to you. You’re right. I haven’t been much of a vice or a brother. I realize that, and I have every intention of correcting it.”

Crickets.

The three other people in the room aren’t making a peep. I take that as my cue there’s more I need to say. To make shit right or, at the very least, explain.

“Thank you.” I scan the faces in front of me. “All of you. I’ve had a chip on my shoulder since I crossed the state line, actually before that. But instead of reflecting that back at me, you—”

What words could explain it? I don’t have the emotional vocabulary for it.

“You made me feel more a part of something than ever before. Even though right now we’re a skeleton club and still building, it feels bigger to me than four members and…” I nod to Maxi and adopt a more teasing tone. “A den mother.”

It’s the way I know to deal with emotions. That will take a while to change, even though I’ll never be as free with the affection as they are.

Case in point?

I hear a feminine awwwwww, before they all hug me in a big hippy circle.

“Hear that, brother? He likes us. He can’t help it, we’re adorable,” Cowboy croons.

“I’m not fucking adorable. Adorable is for poofy shit and kittens,” Kilt grouses, but there’s no ire behind his words.

Maxi stage-whispers in my ear from her perch on my back. Why is she climbing on me like a spider monkey? “Kilt tries to sound all mean, but he sounds more…dare I say,adorable.” She shouts the last word and my ear rings.

Kilt growls, Maxi slides down, and Cowboy is gripping me tight. I know he’s two seconds away from making a joke with me as the butt.

“You give the best huggywuggys, Buddywuddy.”

And there it is.

He rocks us back and forth until I shove him away. He’s laughing so hard I fear he might piss himself.

I scan the room again, and even Kilt is sporting a grimace that I think is supposed to be a smile.

“I’m never telling you fuckers my feelings ever again. I feel violated.”

“Oh, please.” Maxi grabs my abandoned plate and heads to the kitchen. “You loved every second of it. Besides.”

She disappears for a second and reemerges without the plate. “Y’all may be a skeleton as a club…for now, but as a family, we fucking rock. Especially now that we’re plus one?”

The upward inflection ononeleaves little doubt it’s a question.

“If I have my way, then yeah.” I couldn’t keep the thread of disappointment from my voice or shutter my eyes quick enough.

“Ideally, once shit with the Bullfeathers is settled, I’ll head to Reno to make amends. I want Krystal to come with me, be a part of letting go of my past since it’s to her credit.”

“What do you mean ‘if you have your way?’ Sounded to me like you had your way plenty. My room’s right there, bro.” Cowboy proceeds to moan my name in a falsetto that makes my teeth ache. Of course, he just sails past the other shit to focus on that.

This emotional connecting thing is overrated if this is what it’s like.

“Stuff it, ass licker, that’s my ol’ lady you’re talking about.”

“First, ass licker isn’t an insult, it’s an awesome Saturday night. Second, either she is or she isn’t, so which is it?”

“It’s…fuck.” I take a deep breath. If I’m going to let them in, I can’t apologize then lock up. “I told her I love her and…” I trail off, not knowing what to say or even how to feel.

“Well?” Maxi prods impatiently. “What did she say…before she got naked, I mean.”

“She didn’t say anything for a bit. Then when she spoke, it was about something I said before that.”

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