Page 26 of A Ballad of Betrayal and Beauty

She meows again, then sticks her face into the plastic grocery bag searching for her breakfast. Sniffing the cat food, she purrs like a tiny motorbike before skipping off into the kitchen. I sigh then stand, pushing off my shoes, my toes cracking as I press them into the carpet.

I quickly put away the few groceries I picked up on my way home while I fight off yawn after yawn. Putting a scoop of dry cat kibble into Stella’s bowl, I grab the microwavable lasagna meal from the bag and pop it in the microwave. My eyes close and I roll my neck and shoulders as I wait for my dinner to heat up. I’m desperate to crawl into bed, but my stomach growls angrily and I just need to eat something before disappearing under the covers.

When it beeps, I grab a fork and the tray then sit on my bed with my back against the wall. The radio is still playing from earlier—I figure Stella might feel less alone with it on, so it’s become our new routine. But the soothing music I usually listen to has changed to rock.

“Were you trying to change the station?” I ask Stella around a mouthful, standing and walking over to the radio.

She meows from where she’s curled up on my bed waiting for me to return, and I pause with my fingers on the dial. The song that’s playing is hard and fast—aggressive. Not exactly something I want to fall asleep to. But there’s also something catchy about it. The beat is invigorating and the singer . . . His voice seems familiar. I shake my head. What is wrong with me and men’s voices lately? The song winds down with a dramatic crash of drums and screaming guitars.

“That was Carnal Sins with their latest single,” the radio announcer says, and I startle. The band’s name strikes a nerve—reminds me of countless awful days being dragged to church. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for their next album if it sounds like more of this.” The radio announcer continues with an introduction of the next song, but I continue to stare at the radio, my fingers tapping along the top. I wonder if the men in that band also have a strange relationship with sin and church. I’ve never heard of them before; they must be new.

Stella meows loudly and I sigh. “Sorry, I’ll turn it back,” I say, adjusting the station until an Aretha Franklin song begins to play. I sit back down in bed to finish my lasagna. Stella nuzzles into my side, and I pet her head between bites.

“Did you enjoy the heavy metal, pretty girl?” I ask.

She blinks up at me as I take the last bite then set my plate on the dresser. I wonder if Carnal Sins is the kind of music Joel listens to. He’s obviously a metal music lover. He dresses like he’s a part of that scene. In fact, didn’t he joke that he was a famous rock star in Vegas? I bet that’s his biggest fantasy—to rock out on stage like Metallicaor Iron Maiden.

A head of floppy brown curls and bright hazel eyes swim out of the depths of my memory. Key wanted that life. Wanted to sing for millions of people with his unbelievable talent. My fingers twist into the necklace at my throat as my eyes squeeze shut against the painful memory. I hope he made it. At least then, all this—the hurt—would be worth it.

I unhook my bra and shimmy out of my jeans before sliding under the covers. Stella fits herself into the crook of my stomach, her warmth radiating through the bedsheets.

“I could be in the mood for some heavy metal myself, if the right person persuaded me,” I mutter as I stroke her fur. “I think you’d like Joel,” I say, offhandedly. But then I remember what my reality is. How I behaved at work. How Ifelt.

I was turned on.

I made the right decision turning him down. How can I possibly date someone like Joel? He’ll never accept what I do for a living. No nice guy wants a woman who helps men get off over the phone for hours on end. And the way that one caller made me feel today? My own body betrayed me. After a year of being a fantasy phone girl I’ve never once gotten so worked up that I almost touched myself at work.

I want to hate him. Hate the way he made me feel. Hate the way he made me forget that it was just pretend. Hate that he might call me again.

“Being lonely sucks,” I mutter. Stella nips on my hand sharply and I let out a yelp before she takes off to her perch on the window. “Ow! Okay, okay, miss judgmental.”

I could quit my job. I think about it a lot. Usually on days when I feel lonely and especially unloved. But what would I do? I knew what I wanted all those years ago and look where that got me.

I roll over in bed and tuck my pillow under my chin. I shouldn’t be ungrateful . . . at least I have a job. Besides, men have never taken me seriously. They’ve only ever cared about my body or how I can get them off—that’s what’s always paid the bills. So why should I let myself be shamed?

Then there’s Joel.

I have to admit that for a few hours it felt nice to be desired by someone real. Not just a voice who pays for it over the phone, or someone from the club with money to burn. I haven’t felt that way since Key.

Not that any of it matters. Joel will never accept me—not really. Besides, the first impression he ever got of me is Cherry the stripper. That’s why he wants to date me. He thinks I’ll be this wild girl in bed and he’ll be able to crossfuck a stripperoff his bucket list. We aren’t compatible. It’s the cold hard truth. And my cat can judge me all she wants, but I’m meant to be alone. The love I want will always be just out of my reach.

It’s such a shame, because my heart is so big it could love as wide as the whole sky.

CHAPTER7

Waiting for a Girl Like You

KEY

Fourteen Years Ago

“Dusty, there you are,” I say, rushing up the balcony stairs to find her in the back row. It’s been a month since I saw her last. A month of sitting in school and wondering where she is and when I would see her again. “Why are you all the way up here?”

Her face lifts and she smiles when she sees me. Butterflies escape in my belly and I nearly trip over the last step. “Hey, Keith. I just wanted to be alone.”

“Oh.” I stop. “Do you want me to go?”

She shakes her head. “No, I was hoping you’d find me.”

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