Page 34 of After the Storm

Running out the door, I get to the parking lot just in time to see Audra, still soaking wet, climb into Ravyn’s car and close the door. She looks just like she did the night this all started, except instead of coming to me, letting me fix this—fixus—she’s putting a world of distance between us. She meets my eyes right as Ravyn puts the car in reverse and I see tears start to stream down her face.

I know I should go after her. I want to go after her. I want to run after Ravyn and scream to stop the car, toss Audra’s door open, pull her out and ask her to listen. To not mark what just happened off as a mistake, as if it’s not the best thing that’s ever happened to me. As if it’s not the best thing that could happen to us.

But I don’t. Not when I watch those tears stream down her perfect face. Not when I know that I, one way or another, am the one who put them there. I just watch from the parking lot, heartbroken and defenseless, as the girl of my dreams drives away, taking my heart with her.

Chapter13

Roman

All of theyears I spent pining after Audra felt like torture but as it would turn out, nothing in the world compares to having it, touching it, and losing it. I’ve had hard weeks in my life but nothing quite as hard as the radio silence from Audra after knowing what it’s like to have her.

It’s been six days since Audra left me at The Surf Shack. Six days of hearing nothing from her. Six days of no laughs. Six days of no check-in texts.

I feel like I’ve gone through the full five stages of grief. Scratch that—call it four. I’ll never accept something so perfect and meant to be, being over.

The first four though, yeah, been there. Denial, being absolutely positive she would wake up the next morning and apologize or at least talk to me. But she never did. Anger, being angry at myself for kissing her, I knew it was too soon but she was there perfect as always and asking, how could I say no? Bargaining, the embarrassing number of texts I’ve sent her asking her topleasejust talk to me. Depression, the nauseating sadness that smacks me right in the face at the end of every day when I realize she hasn’t changed her mind. That she still isn’t talking to me. And that I might have blown it with the only girl I’ve ever really wanted.

The only silver lining to the end of this week is that we’re doing a trip to the lake house and I can get a break from all the things that remind me of Audra. I know she’ll never be gone from my head but at least I can take a break from devoting all my time to pining after her like a lovesick fool.

I’ve been in my room packing for what seems like forever. It’s just a weekend trip and yet I still find it within myself to be stressed about under or over packing. I grab the last couple of things and make a mental check-list of the essentials.

Ares is bringing Ravyn. I considered bringing Beck since we were allowed to invite friends, but the trade off would be having the shop closed for the entire weekend. Technically, I could afford it but it seemed like an unnecessary expense. Plus, I don’t know that I have it in me to ward off questions from both Beck and Ares, especially not when Ravyn keeps shooting sympathetic glances at me every chance she gets.

I appreciate their concern. Really, I do, and if it were any other loss, I’d take it a lot better. But not when it’s her. The absence of Audra is suffocating. Some days it aches so bad that it feels like I never left the water, that a rip current came and sucked me out to sea and I’m screaming, lungs filled with water as the shape of her fades from vision while she walks up the shore. I shake the sensation from my head, trying to refocus on packing, but none of it seems to matter, not when she’s gone. Even the cheerful orange of my walls—my once favorite color—feels dull in the wake of her loss.

I throw the rest of my things in my bag, trying to get started on the relief of this vacation as soon as possible, and run down the stairs. My mom is waiting in the entry room with all the other things we still need to pack into the car, namely the lawn chairs, when I notice she’s got an extra chair out.Weird.Still though, I carry my bag out to the car.

There Audra stands, perfect as always and it’s a knife to my fucking gut. I shouldn’t find solace in the fact that she looks as upset as I imagine that I do. Black and white strands are all tied into a messy knot on the top of her head and she’s still in pajamas.My pajamas.

She’s wearing the plaid pajama pants and tie dye shirt I gave her that first night. I try to tell myself it means nothing.Don’t give yourself hope.The part of me that should be moving on and trying to forget screams at me to chalk it up to nothing. And yet, I can’t bring myself to believe that. Even if it’s as simple as looking for the comfort I was giving her at one point, I know it means something.

I realize after far too long that I’ve just been staring at her. I haven’t said a word and to my own surprise, I’ve stopped walking entirely.Way to keep it together.Finally I force myself to at least wave at her. She gives me a weak sympathetic smile and a wave. It should annoy me, maybe even hurt my feelings, but instead I’m giddy over the tiny piece of her she’s willing to give. Just like that we’re back at square one. I’m wishing for little pieces and not even making it on her radar.

“Didn’t know you were coming,” I say simply. She doesn’t even acknowledge me with a response and it pisses me off until I look up and she just looks sad. I want to beg her to tell me what’s wrong, even if it’s my fault. I want to grab her and make her talk to me.I just want her to talk to me.

We all pack our shit into the van and if the whole thing isn’t bad enough, Audra and I are the ones put in the way back. Ravyn made a weak attempt to switch seats with me or Audra but leave it to my brother to ask a million questions. In the end it came down to Ares not understanding why we would sit differently than we have for every other trip we’ve all been on. So that’s how it ended up being us in the back.

We’re about an hour into the drive. My brother and Ravyn have yet to bless us with a moment of silence. Audra on the other hand has hardly made a sound. The lightness she had about her the last time I saw her seems to be gone. She wears a dull look on her face and when she laughs at one of their jokes, it doesn’t spill sunshine into the room like it should. I don’t know if it’s because my heart might be a little shattered or if it’s because hers might be too.

“Do you two ever shut up?” I groan, throwing my head back against the headrest. Ares just laughs but Ravyn throws me a middle finger and then a second to go with it.

“Ro, just because you’ve been in a mood doesn’t mean we can’t laugh,” Ares retorts.

“I’m not in a mood,” I bite out. Ares just gives me a skeptical nod. I want to scream it in his face until he believes me but, perhaps that means Iamin a mood.

By the second hour of the drive I want to get a pair of socks out of my suitcase and shove one in each of their mouths. By the third, I’m ready to grab Ares’ seat belt and strangle him if it means a moment of silence. I’m irritated the entire drive and Audra is silent the entire drive. All I can think the entire time is that this can’t be the new normal. Things can’t be like this forever. I won’t let them.

* * *

A full fiveand a half hour drive later and we’re finally at the lake in Oakwood. When mom finally parks the car in front of the lake house we are all in a hurry to get out and stretch our legs. We all grab our bags and take them to our respective rooms.

Mom and dad have the master room on the second floor that overlooks the lake. The rest of the bedrooms are on the first floor which I’m sure is intentional. Less of an issue now but when we were teenagers coming here? Fat chance they’d want to be staying on the same floor as all of us. The first floor is home to all of the common spaces, living room, kitchen, laundry, and the back deck. Ares and I each have a room to ourselves and, Audra and Ravyn share one of the guest rooms.

I walk into my room and drop my bag on the bench at the end of the bed. I waste no time throwing myself on it as well. This was supposed to be a way to forget, even if it was just for a couple of days. Now I have to face her all weekend. I want so badly for her to come to her senses and realize that I’ve done nothing wrong. Or at the very least that if I did, we can still be friends despite whatever I did.

I can’t ever remember having my heart broken like this. Probably because it was never her and I always had one foot out the door with anyone else. It’s always been her. There’s no one else for me.

I do the only thing I can to take my mind off of her and I shut my eyes for a nap. It’s early afternoon when I fall asleep but it’s well into the evening when a knock at my door wakes me up.

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