Page 37 of After the Storm

“We figured for the last day here we might just spend a full day out on the beach. We packed a cooler full of snacks and water. Then I was thinking tonight we’d have a fire and we’d head out early tomorrow morning.” She rattles off the whole plan which is so like her, to have the entire day mapped out in her head. We all nod and agree to the plan set out for the day. The lake house is right on the water but there is no beach access here so to swim we have to take the cooler and go around the other side of the lake for the day. Here at the house it’s just a dock with a pavilion at the end for fishing.

“Boys, I’ll need your help lugging the cooler and the pop up tent down there,” Ken instructs and the boys nod along.

“Girls, we’ll carry towels and lighter things, okay?” Allison asks. I nod and Ravyn nods as well but she looks a lot less willing to carry things.

As soon as we finish breakfast, we grab all of our things and haul them around to the beach side of the lake. As usual Ravyn and Ares mess around too much the entire walk there and she almost drops everything she’s carrying. I walk a bit behind everyone.

The feeling of being on the outside of something I used to be on the inside of, has lessened but it’s still there, breathing down my neck sometimes. Usually times like this where I’m watching them mess around instead of being involved. Sometimes it feels like I missed too much to ever slide back into my spot with them. I try not to let that thought eat at me too much though. I can admit it has gotten easier since we’ve started hanging out more.

We get things all set up on the beach and Ares wastes no time throwing Ravyn over his shoulder and running into the water with her. She screams and flails the whole way there until finally she’s silenced with a splash and they both go under. I smile to myself watching them. I try to ignore the gnawing feeling of being left out in my gut. I pull the t-shirt up over my head leaving me in just my bikini. I walk down to the water and the moment my feet make contact, I pull back.

“Not scared of the lake, are you?” Roman laughs from behind me. I give a dry fake laugh.

“Very funny. It’s just cold,” I say rolling my eyes. All of a sudden I feel Roman’s arms wrap me, one around my back and the other around my thighs.

“Put me down!” I squeal, trying to squirm out of his grip. He’s carrying me bridal style and rushing into the water, taking me with him.

“Not a chance, pretty girl,” he says, shaking his head. “You looked a little left out back there,” he says. It’s so sweet of him to notice but I don’t get a chance to think much about it before he falls forward taking us both underwater. Cold water covers my entire body. He never lets me go though. Strong arms still hold me tight as he pulls us both out of the water. I suck in a breath as I’m put back in the air. He shakes the water out of his curls and looks down at me.

I wiggle out of his grip and stand in front of him. For a moment we are standing there looking at each other and it reminds me of our kiss in the ocean. I don’t let myself get too caught up in the thought though. Partially because we’re at a public lake with his family and my best friends. Also because it isn’t fair to Roman for me to push him away for kissing me and then keep daydreaming about doing it again.

“Audi! You’re in!” Ravyn yells out to me and runs through the knee deep water to make it over to me. Just like that the moment is dead between Roman and me. Ravyn comes barreling at me and tackles me into the water. I go under for the second time in just a couple of minutes but this time it’s unexpected and I come back up, coughing up water.

“What the hell?” I cough out. She just laughs and pulls my hand to take me away from Roman and over to Ares. I look back at him before digging my heels in to stop.

“Hang out with us,” I call out to him. Ravyn and Roman both look at me with confused looks on their faces. Roman never hangs out with us. It’s always us three and then Roman or Roman and Beck. That’s how things have always been. Things are different now though. Roman has been a great friend to me, I don’t even know how I would have survived these last few months without him. They’re brothers and I’ve spent the better part of my life around both of them even if Roman and I never really had a relationship before. It doesn’t seem crazy to me that we could all just hang out.

“Bold move.” Ravyn leans over and whispers in my ear.

“Shut up,” I whisper back at her with a glare. We are just friends, there’s nothing bold about inviting my new friend to hang out with my long time friends. Even if it is Ares’ brother.

“Yeah sure.” He nods, not looking sure about it at all. I know deep down that there’s a good chance he only agreed because it was me who asked.

We spend the entire day having fun and playing games in and out of the water. Roman fits seamlessly in with us and I let myself imagine how nice it could be for it to be all of us all the time. We never made a conscious effort to leave Roman out. Ares just had his friends and Roman had his. Now I bridge that gap and I’m hoping we can do this more often.

Right then, I realize why I’m daydreaming about bridging that gap. This is more than a friendship with Roman. It has been the whole time but I can’t ignore it now. Still I’m scared of what it says about me if I let myself have this,have him.

I can’t shake the feeling that by moving on this fast I’m proving Tyler right. That all the things he thinks and says about me would be true if I moved on so soon. Even worse, I worry that everyone else will feel the same way. I feel like I owe it to myself to prove I’m not really the things he’s said about me. That I didn’t deserve the things he did and said. I know it’s fucked up but I feel like if I start hooking up with Roman, who I’ve known for years right after the relationship, it means I deserved what happened.

Sometimes it feels like the universe is against me. Some kind of sick cosmic joke that as soon as I get out of an abusive relationship where I was unhappy and had very little freedom, that I would find someone so perfect for me but have it be the wrong timing. It feels like everyone gets their shot at being happy and I always miss mine by seconds.

It’s why I left the beach the night Roman kissed me. It was stupid and it was unfair but it felt like the only choice I had. So I called Ravyn and asked her to pick me up. Nothing has ever felt more right than kissing Roman. I even think he might have felt the same. But to take him down with me? To have everyone pointing and laughing at the girl who got abused but was asking for it by sneaking around with her best friend’s brother the entire time.

It’s not true. I wasn’t disloyal to Tyler even once, even when things were at their worst. I know how it looks though, I know what people will think. Worst of all, I know what Tyler would think and what he might do with that scares the hell out of me. Partially for me but also for Roman. I don’t want to take anyone down with me. I sealed my fate with Tyler but I don’t have to involve anyone else. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with Roman. I’m just scared of what danger that will put us both in.

I sit on the edge of the water watching, lost in my own thoughts. Everyone is having fun and it’s the most normal I’ve felt in a long time. Yet, I still find myself stuck in moments like this where I can’t focus on anything going on around me because I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts about everything that happened that got me here. Roman drops himself next to me at the shore of the lake.

“You look like you need out of your head,” he says pushing his arm into mine, nudging my body. I snap out of my thoughts and look over at him.

“Don’t I always?” I huff a sarcastic laugh. He flashes me a sympathetic smile.

“You’re doing really well, you know?” he says. I just squint at him in confusion.

“At what?” I scoff. I don’t feel like I’m doing well at much of anything lately.

“Everything.” He shrugs. “Having fun with your old friends. Even having fun with your new friend,” he says, pointing to himself. “Keeping it together, just everything. You’re kind of amazing. Anyone ever told you that?” He talks softly over his shoulder. The words leave my mind buzzing. Tears prickle at my eyes and dare to fall but I blink them away. The words are so kind and so perfectly what I needed to hear, I’m nearly speechless.

“I don’t know about all of that.” I shrug it off like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal though, it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. It’s exactly what I needed to hear and I know that he knows it. I don’t know how he knows me so well but he does. He might know me better than anyone else, which I’ll never understand.

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