Page 58 of After the Storm

“You have to swear not to tell anyone.”

“Well now I’m even more interested. I don’t talk to anyone from Doves Harbor but you, you know that.”

“I’m uh…” I pause. Fuck, am I really going to tell her? Yeah, fuck it. I am. “I’ve sort of been sleeping with Ares’ brother Roman.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING FUCKING ME RIGHT NOW?” she yells into the phone. I don’t even know what the hell that means.

“Do you mean kidding you?” I ask, confused.

“This isn’t a laughing matter. You’re fucking his brother?” she exclaims over broken laughter.

“Yes but no one knows and I need someone to talk to about it.”

“Okay, wow. Hit me with it.”

“Okay so the night I left Tyler I was walking home and I was considering turning around and going back but I realized how close I was to Ares’ house so I went there instead. When I got there, the only person who was home was Roman so he stayed with me and hung out with me until Ares got home. Well, I told him about Tyler but was keeping it a secret from everyone else so there were a lot of times that he was the only person I could go to.” I pause, taking a dramatic inhale. “So we got closer over the last few months and first he became one of my best friends but then he became more and we kissed then we kissed again and then we slept together and now I guess we’re kind of dating. We see each other almost every day. Last night he brought up getting a place together and it just seemed so fast and a little crazy to even bring up. So I kind of shut down and asked him to bring me home.”

“You want me to comfort you, tell you how to fix it, or walk through why you had that reaction to living together?” she asks and that’s always been the best part of talking to Levina about my problems. She always asks for what I’m looking for before offering help.

“Comfort and maybe fix it,” I admit.

“Well let me start by saying you’ve been through hell this year and you had a really normal reaction to the first big decision you’ve been faced with since then,” she says. Naturally, I never thought of it that way and spent the last 24 hours beating myself up, telling myself I’m a horrible person.

“Thank you.”

“As for fixing it, you have to just apologize. Go back with your tail between your legs and tell him you regret running from him. If you aren’t ready to talk about living together then tell him that, but make sure he knows it’s on the table at some point. Unless it’s not, then you need to tell him that. He’s been in love with you forever, don’t lead him on.” Her words stop me in my tracks.Love. He can’t love me.It’s too soon for love. Love is scary and committal and painful.

“He doesn’t love me,” I blurt out and she laughs. I’m spiraling and she’s laughing.

“Audra, are you kidding? He’s been in love with you since middle school. I’m not making this up. He told me and Beck.”

“You know Beck?”

“This isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

“What do you mean he told you?” I ask. I guess it’s pretty straightforward and a stupid thing to ask but it feels like this can’t be true.

“The only thing I could possibly mean, Audra. He told me about this girl named Audra Hart whom he had been in love with for years. All the way back in high school.”

“Why wouldn’t you have told me?” I ask. We were friends. It makes no sense that she would have known that and not told me when she found out.

“It was right before I left. I couldn’t talk to anyone. You know that.”

“I’m not leading him on. He makes me really happy, I love being around him. I feel like I can be the most myself I’ve ever been around him. It scared me though, Levina,” I admit.

“Then you need to tell him that. You want to know how to fix it? Use your words. Take it from me, the only thing you’ll really regret are the things you didn’t say or do,” she says and if I was in a better headspace I’d probably take the time to ask her what she means by that. Instead, I wrap up the call and shoot Roman a message asking him to come to my house, and thank God he agrees.

A while later he walks in my bedroom door with another little bouquet of wildflowers. The guilt I was already feeling intensifies because not only did I run after I said I wouldn’t anymore but I have him apologizing for it.

“I’m sorry,” he says, holding them out to me.

“No,” I shake my head. “I’m sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for,” I assure him, taking the flowers and putting them on the desk in my room. He pulls me into a hug and I stuff my face into his chest.

“Please stop running from me.” He sighs against the top of my head. Levina’s words ring in my head, telling me he loves me.

“I wasn’t running. I just needed a second. It just seems really soon to bring it up. All the Tyler stuff is so fresh and we’re still hiding from all of our friends and family.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I forget sometimes that this is newer for you than it is for me,” he admits. I almost consider bringing up what Levina told me but I figure it’s best not to ask questions you don’t want answers to and I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. A question I do want an answer to though is what’s going on with Beck and Levina.

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