Page 9 of After the Storm

“I can’t,” I respond, nodding over towards where Ares and Ravyn are currently celebrating their win. “They brought me here to cheer me up because they’re worried about me.” I shrug my shoulders.

“They’re not the only ones,” Roman says, taking the seat next to me and letting out a sigh. I’m a little shocked that Roman was worried about me, but I guess it’s not all that surprising after I was a total basket case in his living room a few weeks ago. “At least they got check in texts letting them know you were okay,” he adds.Is that bitterness in his tone?

“You said to call if I needed you. I didn’t know you wanted check-in texts.” My head slumps in defeat. He knocks the toe of his shoe against mine, drawing my eyes back up towards him.

He leans over toward me before speaking.“Well, now you know,” he says with a sweet smile. It’s one far too sweet to be the last look he gives me before he walks out of the room. I spend the next hour or two switching between watching Ares and Ravyn play pong, and playing an occasional match myself. I want to love it. I want to feel like I’m slipping back into my old life, but I don’t. I want to feel like the only thing I lost was a bad boyfriend, but it’s not. In fact, he’s the least of my losses. I don’t know how I fit in here, or if I even do anymore.

* * *

Two yearsago feels so far away, so far out of reach to where I’m at now. Sometimes it feels like some kind of bad dream I’m going to wake up from. Looking around at how different my friendships are after my relationship with Tyler feels an awful lot like looking around at the wreckage after the storm. I try not to get too caught up in the guilt of isolating myself when I was with him. It’s hard though when the consequences of those actions are blinding lights in my face.

Those thoughts mixed with the liquor seeping into my blood stream are enough to send me quickly into a downward spiral. One second, I’m sitting in my chair and the next, I’m standing over a trashcan in the corner.

“You okay?” Ares yells over from the table. I bite back what I really want to say.Of fucking course not, Ares. I hate this party. I hate this beer. I hate that I don’t fit in here anymore, and most of all, I fucking hate Tyler.

But I don’t say anything, because I’m supposed to be being me. The old Audra. TherightAudra. The Audra who used to be able to go out and have fun. The Audra who didn’t have to keep an entire chapter of her life from her best friends. The Audra who never would have let a man put a wedge in my friendships.

I’m supposed to be at this party that’s supposed to be fixing me but it’s not. The walls are closing in, making my skin crawl and my stomach turn.

But, no. Instead of saying any of that, I lean up, wipe across my mouth with the back of my hand, and flash a megawatt smile. “Yeah, I’m just a little anxious. I’m gonna go get some fresh air. You can keep playing though, I just want a minute alone.”

While I’m not sure I mean a single word of it, Ares buys it and keeps playing. Ravyn shoots me a sympathetic smile as I exit the room, and the only thing I want is to go home. I shove my way through the crowded house, trying to find the door we came in through. It seems like all I find every way I push is gross, sweaty men and women in sparkly tops.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Roman. He’s standing next to a tall blonde who might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. She’s better dressed for a gala than a college house party.

I know I should leave him alone and not blow whatever he has going there, but I can’t. In one selfish moment, my anxiety takes priority and I push through the crowd, not stopping until I’m standing in front of him. I think she’s in the middle of a sentence when he turns to face me.

“You okay?” he asks, studying my face. All I can do is shake my head. He looks to the blonde, and then back to me before leaning to her to tell her, “I’m going to take her home, have a nice night.” She offers him a sweet smile before looking to me and offering me the same.

“I hope you feel better!” she calls out as she walks away. She’s beautifulandshe’s nice. Now, I feel even worse for pulling him away from her.

“I’m really sorry, Roman. I just want to go home,” I say quietly.

He doesn’t hesitate for a second before pulling the keys from his pocket to show them to me. I’m more shocked than he is when the tears well in my eyes. He reaches down, grabbing my hand in his, and leads me through the crowd toward the door. For the first time since I walked into this party, I finally feel like I can turn my brain off. I follow mindlessly behind him all the way to his car.

“Did something happen?” he questions, pulling the passenger side door open for me. I climb in and pull my knees to my chest. I’ve never had someone in my life that I’ve been so comfortable crying in front of. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve cried plenty in front of Ares and Ravyn. It never felt this easy, though. For some reason, the tears fall easily with Roman.

“I just don’t feel like I fit in anymore. Not here, not with Ares and Ravyn. I feel like everything is ruined. I feel like nothing will ever be the same.” I sob into my knees. Roman squats next to me, just outside of the car.

“You have to give it time, Audi.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I can’t ignore how effortlessly my nickname falls from his mouth, like he’s been calling me that our whole lives.

Except, he hasn’t. In fact, I don’t think he ever has. There’s an unspoken sentiment in the nickname that makes all of this feel a little lighter. Something that whispers,maybe we are friends now, not just people who know each other through Ares.

“It all just happened, things will fall back into place.” He continues talking as he reaches for my face, swiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.

“What if they never go back to how they were?” I sniffle, looking up at him.

“Then you find a new way for things to be. A better way.” He gives me a soft, quirked smile before standing and walking around the front of the Jeep to climb in the driver’s seat.

“Didn’t you drink?” I blurt, turning to face him.

“I wouldn’t drive with you in the car if I had even a sip of alcohol,” he assures me, turning the car on and pulling off the street. We drive in silence, my mind wandering.

“I should tell Ares I got a ride home,” I announce after a few moments, reaching for my phone.

“Katrina will tell him,” he says coolly.

I assume he’s referring to the blonde he was standing with inside. I wonder momentarily how she knows Ares. I want to ask, but it’s just a stinging reminder that there are pieces of Ares’ life I don’t know about anymore, so I don’t.

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