Page 117 of Ordinary Secrets

“No, but what I can tell you is that I care about you more than anything in this world and I hope that’s enough to earn your forgiveness. It doesn’t even have to be right away, justeventually. And I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you’ll never regret it.”

He didn’t have to tell me that he cares about me for me to know it. Ifeelit through the little things he does. Like the way he always brings me a fresh glass of water before bed and the way he holds mesotight until I fall asleep.

I’m torn. I’m nowhere closer to knowing what he’s hiding from me, yet I trust that whatever it is won’t change my feelings about him. This last week of watching him cook for me, clean for me, and treat me like a queen has made me realize that I’m in love with this man. While he hasn’t said it, I think he’s in love with me too. I can see it in his eyes every time he stares at me.

“Good night, baby.” Trey wraps his arms around me tighter, then kisses my neck the gentle way he has been since the accident. While it does send a spark down my body, I miss the way he kissed me before—long, hard, and passionate.

He’s the same when we make love too. He thrusts inside me like he’s afraid he’ll break me. I prefer the rough, animalistic way he pounded into me before. Yesterday, when I told him that, he said, “I don’t wanna hurt you.” No matter what I said, I couldn’t convince him that my body can take it.

The other thing I couldn’t convince him of is going to meet my grandparents. For weeks, he practically begged to meet them. Now he suddenly doesn’t want to anymore? What changed? I’m off work, with arealdoctor’s note this time, so this is a great opportunity for us to go. Trey’s excuse is that he’s not ready for me to be in a car yet, but that’s not true. He’s been dragging me with him to work every day.

Either way, arguing with him is pointless—like the argument we’ve been having about my car. Since my Civic is totaled, I’ve been online shopping for a new vehicle. It’s been hard to find something that I like and can afford. Trey keeps telling me topick out whatever I want with any price tag because he’ll get it for me, but I refuse to allow that.

Nathan used to buy things for me so he could use them against me later. Whenever we fought, he’d say things like “You wouldn’t even have that if it wasn’t for me.” I recognize now that it was just another one of his many ways to guilt me into doing whatever he wanted. While I don’t think that’s Trey’s intent, I still don’t want to feel like I owe him.

Two weeks after the accident, I’m finally able to convince Trey to leave my side for the first time. His band has an all-day video shoot, and I want to stay home to bake. Lately, my blog hasn’t seen much new content, which has been affecting my traffic, which affects my paycheck.

“I’m staying home,” I say firmly. “Being out of work for the past two weeks means I need the extra money now more than usual. I promise you, honey, I’ll be fine by myself.”

“You’re so goddamn difficult,” Trey says with a huff, before getting into his car and driving away. It’ll do him some good to have a few hours away from me. He needs to relearn that in life, things will happen, and he can’t take me everywhere with him just to ensure I’m okay.

I’m in the middle of grabbing flour out of his cabinet when the doorbell rings. I expect it to be the mailman or someone trying to convert me into their religion, so I’m pleasantly surprised when it’s neither.

“If you don’t marry him, I will,” Javina says when I open the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“That man of yours called me—at work, mind you, because I wasn’t answering my cell, because ya know, I wasworking—just to ask me to hang out with you today. When I told him I couldn’t, he offered me another spa day to get me to fake a family emergency.”

My jaw drops. “Did you?”

Dramatically, Javina slaps a hand over her chest. “Please pray for my mother, who broke her ankle from falling down a ladder. She’s in desperate need of my care right now.”

With an eye roll coupled with a light chuckle, I gesture for Javina to step inside. “Aren’t we short-staffed?”

Javina kicks her shoes off. “Yeah, but luckily, we’re down five kids today, and I was able to call in Carrie last minute. So, it’s all good. Besides, I wasn’t gonna turn down another spa day. Also, he Venmoed me five hundred dollars after I agreed to his terms. The note said, “for missing a day of work.’” She scoffs. “As if I get paid that much to watch over children.”

“Wait...” I lead Javina into Trey’s kitchen. “What were histerms?”

“He just asked that I don’t let you out of my sight. For five hundred dollars a day, tell that boy I’ll babysit you whenever he wants!”

I roll my eyes again. “He’s been overprotective lately.”

“Girl, I am too. First a spider invasion, now a car accident? What’s next? A building falling over you? A stampede of hyenas? If I could, I’d shrink you and put you into a padded box. Then I’d carry you around in my pocket to make sure nothing can harm you.”

On the spectrum of overprotectiveness, it goes Javina, then Trey, then my grandparents. Growing up, Gramps and Grammy rarely let me out of their sight. Even when we were doing simple things like hanging out at a playground, my grandparents were always one step behind me.

I’m used to people being overprotective of me. It’s part of the reason why I didn’t pick up on Nathan’s red flags for so long. I’ve since learned that there’s a difference between being overprotective and being controlling. Javina, Trey, and my grandparents keep me close because they genuinely care aboutme. Nathan kept me close because he needed to exert power over me.

Thankfully, Trey hasn’t done or said anything that’s felt controlling. Yes, he’s a little possessive sometimes—like the other day, when his security manager made me laugh and touched my arm, Trey stormed over within seconds to pull me away. Still, he has yet to tell me what I can and cannot wear. Not once has he tried to read my text messages over my shoulder, or suggest that I’m not allowed to see or call Javina. The second he does, I’m out. I don’t care how much joy this man brings into my life. I’m not going through another three years of abuse, gaslighting, and feeling unwanted. If anything, Trey has been making me feel overly wanted.

When my manreturns home from his video shoot, he shows up in a car I’ve never seen before. Javina and I step outside to greet him in the driveway, where a brand-new white crossover is sitting.

Javina whistles through her teeth. “Damn, pretty boy. Lexus ain’t doin’ it for ya no more?”

Trey flaunts a megawatt smile from the driver’s seat with the door open. “I’m good with my car. This one’s for Arella.”

In sync, Javina and I gasp. For the first time ever, my talkative friend is out of words.

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