Page 18 of Still Made For You

“So, you’re worried that granny is going to see through that fake-ass relationship and call you out on it? You and I don’t lie to each other, so I don’t even know why you feel the need to do all of this. You know how I know she isn’t the one for you?” We pulled up to the barbershop, and I tried to focus my attention on finding a parking space while trying to listen to his reasoning.

“Why is that?”

“Because you still haven’t changed your passcode in over five years. How the hell are you claiming to be so in love with another woman, and you still have your first love's birthday as the passcode of your phone? Be real with me. There’s only one woman who has been good enough to meet the family, and her name is Saya Williams.” I wanted to refute his declaration, but the truth is the truth. I’ve yet to meet another woman who has been about to fill her shoes, and I don’t think I ever will. Still, that didn’t mean that I could move on to another woman.

“Whatever happened to the search on Saya? Did Jett ever find anything on her?” Law asked. He’s the only one outside of Loyal who knew I was actively trying to find her. When Loyal first mentioned it, I acted as if I didn’t care. However, that night, I tossed and turned with thoughts of her.

These last few years without her have been good, but I wouldn’t sit here and pretend like her absence hadn’t left a void in my heart. She was everything I thought I would have forever, and when she left, it took a while for me to bounce back. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something happened to her, which was the reason I reached out to Jett. I told myself once I saw her and confirmed she was safe, I’d be able to move on for good. It might have been wishful thinking, but it was all I had to hold on to for the moment.

“He called me the other day to say he found her whereabouts. Since I knew you were coming home, I waited until we got you settled. I’ve waited all this time, so it’s not like I can’t wait a little longer.” Truthfully, I felt a bit of anxiety knowing that I could be face to face with her soon.

There were so many things in limbo because the last conversation we had was a good one. I just couldn’t understand where things went wrong. When I was locked up, I spent so many nights racking my brain trying to come up with a reason she’d just up and left, but I always came up empty-handed.

Unlike my brother, Saya was the only woman in my life, and there had been no one else but her. From the moment her pretty ass entered my life, we’d been joined at the hip, so once I was sentenced, I knew there was no one else I wanted in my corner. In the beginning, I tried to give her an out, so she didn’t have to put her life on hold for me, but she declined. Saya promised she’d wait for me, and that she’d be in my corner every step of the way.

For the first couple of years, she’d done just that. Every call was answered, and every visit, she showed up with a smile on her face. I thought we would be in it for the long haul until one day, the visits stopped, and the phone calls went unanswered. At first, it fucked me up because I was already having such a hard time being in jail as it was. When you are in lockup, you really can’t afford to linger in your feelings because it makes your time even harder to get through, so I tried my best to act as if her departure didn’t affect me as much as it did. Of course, my family noticed an immediate change in me, but I quickly brushed it off so I could get through my bid.

Once I touched down, I told myself I needed to forget about her. If she’d wanted to be with me, she wouldn’t have left, so there was no reason for me to search for her. Over the years, I’ve preoccupied myself with women and money, so the thoughts of her no longer consumed me. Now, here I was, back at square one.

I hated the uneasy feeling in my chest because it was just another reminder that I wasn’t over her, and I more than likely never would be. Don’t get me wrong, my girlfriend was a cool chick. She loved me, and she never gave me any issues, but I think that was part of the problem for me.

Sidra let me do whatever I wanted to. She didn’t put any stipulations on our relationship or my obligations to her. We’d brought many women into our bedroom for the sake of her trying to make me happy. Even after I told her she didn’t have to, it changed nothing. In her mind, all niggas cheated, so she’d rather bring the women to me, so she knew exactly what I was doing.

It was fun in the beginning, but now I was over it. Contrary to her beliefs, I loved being with just one woman. I’d watched my father play these women my entire life, and I swore I’d never treat women in that manner. I never wanted my woman to question her place in my life because I wanted her to feel it with my actions.

Fuckin’ multiple bitches was cool when you’re young, wild, and free, but I was far removed from that life. I wanted what my cousins had. Genuine love. I want a partner to share my life with and create a family with. All that other bullshit I had no interest in anymore. I think Sidra knew I’d grown tired of it because she kept saying I was changing. I wanted more out of life than partying and fucking. I’ve always wanted to be a father since I was a youngin, and nothing had changed. I wanted to settle down and raise a family. I think the part I struggled with was the fact that I knew it wouldn't be with her.

“I don’t know what’s going to come of it, but I will not pretend that I’m not rooting for you and Saya. I miss her little ass, and she’s the only person I can accept as my sister.” I shook my head because our sisters felt the same way. No one wanted me to be with anyone else besides Saya, which was crazy, seeing how she was the one who left me.

My family’s love and loyalty have always been with her without even knowing any details about what happened between us. My sisters Triniti and River still hoped we’d get back together and get married one day. I’d long stopped having thoughts like that about our future. At that point, the only thing I wanted was answers. I needed to get closure on this situation so I could figure out what happened to us. There was a part of me that felt like I wasn’t ready for the answer I’d received, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

***

“Oh,I’msohappyI could die and go right on to glory with a smile on my face. All my babies are here under one roof!” Granny Lula squealed as we all gathered around so we could take pictures. Granny rarely cried, but the moment she laid eyes on Law, the waterworks started. We all grew up at Granny’s house when we were little, so having us all together was such an indescribable feeling. My dad had even made an appearance, which was rare for him. Prosper Graham kept to himself if it didn’t involve money or women. Recently, his health had begun to decline, and I noticed a shift in him. However, he refused to tell the family about what was going on.

The only reason I was privy to any information was because I’d been the one taking him to his doctor’s appointments. I gave him an ultimatum that he needed to come clean to my siblings by the end of the month, or I’d have no choice but to tell them. We didn’t keep secrets from one another, and this wasn’t a secret you withheld from the family.

“Mama, please. We took about thirty pictures. Half the people in the picture are funny-looking anyway, so it doesn’t matter how many pictures you take; nothing is going to change.” My father grumbled. He’d become grumpier because of his medication, but he’d always been the family jokester. Way before there was a Loyal or Messiah, there was Prosper.

“Oh, hush. I know you aren’t talking. You have four kids, and none of them look anything like each other. Thank goodness you had enough sense to pick some pretty hoochies because my poor grandbabies would be doomed.” I’d learned long ago not to take anything Granny said to heart because her mouth was unpredictable, even on her best days.

“You’re damn right. All my hoes were beautiful, and we made some pretty babies. I might try to make a few more while I still have time left on this earth.” He chuckled, although I didn’t find anything funny about his joke. We’d just found out a while back we had a little sister who was six years old. I wanted to ring my dad’s neck when I found out. Now here I am in my thirties with a damn six-year-old sister. He ought to be ashamed of himself.

“Naw, you’ve done enough. You need to find yourself a nice, Christian woman to settle down with and focus on your family,” Granny fussed. My father was the only one of her children who had never gotten married, and sadly, it would never happen if he had a say in it. After we ate, everyone just laughed and enjoyed our time together. Granny was telling stories about the hell we used to cause growing up.

“Chile, I wanted to ring their necks when I walked outside and saw those hellions riding down the street in my husband’s Cadillac. Law’s high yellow tail could barely see above the steering wheel and had the nerve to be driving the car. These fools pulled up carrying bags of snacks for all the kids like it was no big deal.

I made them all pick out their own switches and wore their hind tails out. I thanked them for getting my cowtails and peach drink, but they about gave me a heart attack. I never even told my Lou about it. The only reason he found out was because Charity told her daddy, and Knowledge called me fussing.”

“That’s when Charity used to snitch on everybody. We couldn’t do anything around her butt. Then Serenity used to blackmail us, to keep us quiet. That’s the only reason they ended up getting snacks in the first place; she threatened to tell on us if we didn’t buy something for everyone. I was so pissed because Wise and I had mowed Ol’ man Jimmy’s yard, and he paid us $20 apiece. I felt like I really had some money back then just to turn around and have to spend it on their bald-headed, snaggle tooth selves.”

“We used to give y’all hell, and I can honestly say I have no regrets.” Serenity snickered as she and my sister River slapped hands.

“Not a single one. We stayed, getting them in trouble, and they still spoiled us. It was the best of both worlds.” Charity chimed in. All the fellas could do was laugh because they told not one lie. We spoiled our sisters and girl cousins like princesses because that’s what our fathers and grandfather had taught us. Even now, they all knew they could get anything they wanted from any of us, and we’d do whatever we could to make it happen. It was a tradition I planned to keep up with my own children one day.

“I feel bad for y’all niggas because y’all don’t even know what the word no means,” Oh’Shun called out.

“Don’t feel bad for my man because he loves it here, and he knows if he tells me no, I’m going to get it anyway, so his bet is to say yes, or I’m calling my brothers.” Serenity shrugged her shoulders.

---