Page 27 of Still Made For You

“If I could ask God for one thing, I’d asked for us to trade places in a heartbeat. I love you so much, mama. I know you’re watching over me, but I’m asking you to watch over Janae and the twins. She’s terrified, and I want her to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible. Keep a special eye on her for me. Give her some of that peace you used to preach to us about. I already know you sent her to me and I’m grateful to you for that. Janae is the most incredible human being I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her personality reminds me of you because when she has her mind set on something, there is nothing you can do to talk her out of it. She’s a go-getter and a real firecracker.

You know I’ve never been good with goodbyes, and I think that’s one thing that will never change. I’ll see you later, angel. Come visit me when you have the time.” Blowing a kiss to the sky, I sat the bouquet of flowers next to her headstone. I made sure to remove the few weeds I saw growing around her flower bed then smoothed out her blanket. Our women made it a point to come and touch up her plot and I was beyond grateful for that. Although my feelings were all over the place, I knew I’d be bringing my babies here to meet her as soon as I could.

My father said he came here every weekend, and it gave him peace. With my work schedule, I wasn’t able to come as often, but I wanted to make more of an effort to going forward.

***

“You are way too big to be tender-headed!” Ciyani laughed as she re-twisted my locs.

“Aye, ain’t this supposed to be a judgement-free zone?”

“Absolutely not, because I have young clients who don’t move as much as you do! You would think you’d be used to it by now considering you’ve been in my chair for over a year now.” She clowned me every time I came to see her, but there was no one else I’d rather have in my head. Ciyani was truly gifted, and she didn’t even realize it.

There are some people who only do it for the money and then there’s others who have the ability to heal with their hands. Since I’ve been coming to visit my sister, my locs have grown tremendously. To the point, I’ve considered cutting them. My hair has never been healthier, and she’d even started using her own mix of shampoos and conditioners. Justice and I kept telling her she needed to start marketing her hair products because she really could make it a lucrative business.

The oil she used in my hair was amazing and I knew so many people who would pay top dollar for something like this. It soothed your scalp without causing build-up.

“I told Janae I was going to cut all this shit off and get a fade. She damn near packed all her shit when I said it.” Although I was joking the look of irritation on my wife’s face was not missed.

“You’re crazy for even considering it. Your hair is so healthy and beautiful.”

“Ain’t shit beautiful about me.”

“I’m sorry to burst your bubble brother-in-law, but you are most definitely beautiful. All of y’all are.” She snickered at the glare I gave her.

“You got me fucked up. I’m about to find me another loctition,” I fussed, lying my ass off.

“Yea, you can try it, but sis gone be right in that lady’s shop with her Glock in her lap.” She wasn’t lying one bit. Janae was very secure in our relationship, but it did not change the fact that my lady was bat-shit crazy. If a woman even looked at me too long there was Janae asking them if they want to sniff my dick. I swear I couldn’t take her anywhere at times, and pregnancy has made it even worse because she did not possess a single filter.

“She got mad at the barista down at the coffee shop because she swore that lady gave me more espresso and caramel.”

“You know how my friend gets, and you better believe I’m right there with her with all of the bullshit. Those heffas aren’t slick because I promise the waitress at Lucille’s always gives Justice an extra slice of pound cake. I don’t say anything though, because he lets me eat it. If I wasn’t addicted to those sweets, I’d tell that little hussy about herself.” I shook my head because I knew she meant it.

Our women did not play about us, and they already knew it was reciprocated. Shoot, I had to lay a few niggas out for trying to push up on Janae before she stopped working at Vibez. People thought because of the way she dressed, it was a free pass to touch what didn’t belong to them. I’d put a nigga in the dirt for playing with my girl, and I needed them to understand that.

“So, how are you feeling about being a married woman? Are you getting nervous yet?” Ciyani and I had gotten close since I’ve been back home. She really is my sister, and now that they were officially tying the knot, she’d officially be a Graham soon.

“I’m ready. To be honest, I was ready to marry the man the day he pulled me off Lyndsay’s ass. Justice is my soulmate, and I can’t wait to officially be able to carry the last name Graham. It’s not the getting married part that has me stressed out, if I’m being honest. It’s everything else.” Her tone told me she’d been wrestling with something else, so I asked.

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” Ciyani has been there to listen to me plenty of times, so I wanted to be able to do the same for her.

“It’s my family. When I used to dream about getting married, I imagined this perfect world where my father would give me away and my mother would help me pick out my outfit. The church would be filled with all of my family and friends watching me commit my life to the man of my dreams. Everything would be perfect, you know?

When we went to my dress fitting, my heart was completely broken, not having a mother there to tell me I looked beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I love Auntie E and Aunt Faith, but it’s not the same. I wanted to know what it would feel like to be surrounded by family. Then the reality hit me. My mother is gone, and even if she were here, my wedding would be the last thing on her agenda. It hurts to know that she didn’t love me, and I’ll never be able to have those intimate moments with her.

Everybody thinks I don’t want to have children just because I’ve been raising my brothers for so long, but the truth is, I don’t want to mess anyone up. Justice thinks I’m being ridiculous, but am I? How do I love a child the way they need to be loved when I don’t know the first thing about it?"

“The same way you do with Cartier and Cayden. hell, the same way you do with us. Ciyani, you aren’t incapable of love. Your heart is big as hell and you’re constantly nurturing everyone around you, so I don’t even know why you’re having doubts. When the time is right, you are going to be an amazing mother.

As far as having a family, I know you’re feeling the void now that you are planning your wedding, but what you need to understand is that we are your family. Even though it feels like you don’t have anyone on your side, that’s not true. You have a father, brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles and cousins. Use us for whatever you need. You feel like your wedding has to be traditional, but who decides what’s traditional and what isn’t? Hell, I’ll walk you down the aisle if I need to, but I have a feeling there’s someone else who’d want that honor.” I’d talked to my father about the wedding, so I knew he wanted to be the one to walk Ciyani down the aisle.

In the last couple of years, she had quickly become his favorite child out of all of us. Between her and the boys, they’d completely stepped in and taken our spots. My father always wanted a daughter, so I knew it was one of the reasons he cleaved to Ciyani the way he did.

“I’ve been wanting to ask Papa Truth, but I didn’t know how it would work. Maybe I’m just overthinking things. I guess I just really want this day to be special, and it’s hard to do when you feel like you’re missing so much. You’re right though. All of you are my family and I’m so grateful. I know I can call on any of you and y’all will always come through for me. I used to wonder what it would be like to have older brothers and now I know. I’m really blessed to have y’all, even though you eat up all of my favorite snacks.”

“Don’t be out here throwing shots! You need to pick nastier snacks if you don’t want us to eat them.” We burst out laughing. I swear Ciyani always picked out the best snacks. Even the healthy ones were good as hell. Loyal was way worse than me, but I can admit to raiding her snack cupboards many times.

“I love it. Having a house full of family and laughter has always been a dream of mine. You all bring so much joy to my life. People say you need a village when raising children, but you need one when you’re an adult too. I know a lot of people who don’t even get along with their in-laws, so I know I have it made. I guess I got caught up in the representation. I have to look at it from a different perspective. You guys are there for me just as much as you are for him.

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