Page 47 of Still Made For You

“Don’t do that shy shit with me. I’ve put a few things in your mouth before, a fry won’t kill you,” I glared at him while he paid me no mind. Reaching over the middle console, he fed me the fries.

“Ummm,” The moan I let out caught me off guard and obviously him as well.

“Shit,” He hissed. I glanced over his way, but only for a brief second. My eyes needed to be focused on the road. GPS guided me to his home since this would be my first time seeing his new place. It made me sad to think about everything we’d missed out on. All the plans we imagined of our future were nothing more than a distant dream now.

“Are you okay?” I quizzed.

“Yeah, You’re over here moaning over fries and shit. Got my dick hard as hell.” His revelation stunned me for a second then I burst out laughing.

“Sir, what the hell!”

“What? I wasn’t expecting you to do all that over a potato,” He grunted. It turned me on knowing I still possessed the ability to make his body react.

Renegade carried the bags from the car, while showing me which key to use to open the door. My eyes bulged as I observed his home. It matched his personality perfectly, large yet simple. It smelled like fresh linen the moment the doors were open. I inhaled deeply, committing the scent to memory because he loved those plug-ins. I used to tease him for loving a laundry scent, but he never minded.

“Welcome home. Excuse the mess, the cleaning lady isn’t scheduled until Monday,” My head whipped back to see if he meant it as a joke.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” I admired his handsome face for a second longer than I probably should have.

“A cleaning lady? Really?” From the decor, I could tell he must have been doing well for himself, but obviously better than I imagined.

“Pick your jaw off the floor. Don’t act like that. I’ve never been broke, baby. Even when we first got together, I had a little change. Plus, they aren’t nearly as expensive as you might think they are. With my schedule, I barely have time to do anything besides eat, shower and shit some days. It’s easier to have someone come through and tidy it up, even if it’s only once a week.” I nodded, walking towards the kitchen.

“It’s really nice in here. I’m so proud of you. We used to talk about having a house one day and you’ve done it.” I ran my fingers across the granite countertops in the kitchen. Renegade and I locked eyes without saying a word. Right away, I started noticing things about his house that triggered my core memories.

Years ago, he took me window shopping, and we looked around at all of the house decor and he asked me to show him what I wanted our dream house to include. His home felt oddly familiar even though I’d never been here before. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it until, I looked on the counter and noticed the Belgium waffle maker. Renegade preferred pancakes over waffles. It’s another thing we used to debate about. I told him I wanted a waffle maker in our home, and he said he’d only agree if I let him buy one of those all-in-one grills for the backyard. At the time his silly butt knew absolutely nothing about grilling, so I didn’t even understand why he wanted one so badly.

“Can I ask you a question?” The more I observed his home the more curious I became. It felt as if I were walking through one of those simulators when you’re touring homes and it has everything you want inside of it.

“You can, but I’m pretty sure you already know the answer,” Renegade replied. I lost my train of thought trying to make sense of this. Why would he build his home and include what I wanted inside? This house must have been built after I left so why would he even want to do that? The question rested on the tip of my tongue as we stared at one another.

“Ask me,” he urged. The spark between us grew even stronger and it scared me.

“Let’s eat. You know I hate cold fries. They never taste the same when you try to reheat them,” I felt him burning a hole through the side of my face, then he chuckled. The deeper vibrations from his laughter cause my nipples to peak out through my shirt. His voice always had this effect on me. My thoughts were a mess right now, and it confused me to no end. On the one hand, I wanted to dive head-first into the love we once shared. However, we were both completely different people who’ve created our own separate lives. The last thing I wanted was to fall head-first into what could have been.

“You won’t ask because you already know the answer. It’s okay, I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” He declared. We sat there eating our food in silence as I reflected on the past twenty-four hours of my life. I’ve spent so much time being isolated, it felt weird being face to face with my past. I thought I’d be nervous, but I felt oddly comfortable in his presence. A part of me wanted to know what life had been like for him since he’s been back home, but the idea of him being happy without me bothered me in a way it shouldn’t have.

“What’s on your mind? I see the vein in the middle of your forehead going crazy right now.” Renegade always made fun of me about this. I hadn’t realized my face did it until he pointed it out years ago.

“I guess you could say I'm processing. When I woke up yesterday, I wasn’t expecting to be thrusted back into my past all at one time. It’s not a bad thing, just a lot to take in.” My visits to Jonah Hills had become few and far between since my parents separated. Now, here I am face to face with the person I’d hurt the most.

“I’m sorry, I guess I’d been so caught up in getting to my father, I didn’t consider what being back home would mean to you. How are you feeling?” Renegade has always been in tune with my feelings, so I expected nothing less. It’s the way his heart was set up.

“I’m fine, being around your family brought back so many memories for me. I think I’d forgotten about all the reasons I loved this place, because I’ve only focused on the negative parts. It’s nice being surrounded by people who genuinely care about me.” He nodded, staring at me without speaking.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I squirmed under his gaze.

“I’ve imagined what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths again. River and Triniti swore you’d be back one day, but at the time, my anger wouldn’t allow me to even think about it. I want to be mad at you, but I can’t. Having you here with me right now changes everything.” My heart rate sped up, although I attempted to keep it cool.

“You have every right to be upset with me, so I won’t hold it against you.”

“That’s just it, I’m not angry. If anything, I’m upset I waited so long to find you. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt to know you felt you couldn’t come to me.”

I could hear the pain in his voice, and I wanted him to wrap my arms around him. His fists were clinched telling me his feelings were deeper than he was telling me. My stomach twisted nervously. Although his feelings were valid, I hated how much I’d hurt him.

“You don’t have to spare my feelings. Tell me how you really feel.” Our eyes locked for a moment until he took a step back. He chuckled, but it wasn’t a happy one. Tears sat at the rim of his eyes, but he wiped his eyes before they could fall. His jaw flexed and I sat there waiting for what was to come.

“You didn’t trust me. I dedicated years of my life loving and protecting you only for you to leave me when I was at my lowest! And the fucked-up part of it all is that even though you hurt me, I still love you. I told myself if I ever saw you again, I’d give you my ass to kiss. However, the moment you came to the door, I saw my heart standing there in front of me. This shit has me all conflicted. Not once did you try to reach out to me even after I got released. Don’t get me wrong, I understand you being traumatized from the shit you went through, but I would have been there for you. I hate for people to take my choices away from me and that’s exactly what you did. I deserved to have a say." I gulped, listening to his voice crack as he spoke.

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