Page 73 of Still Made For You

“You lied to me! You told me that you were only taking these temporarily for your leg pain, but you seem to be just fine. Keep it real with me. How long have you been abusing pills?” My face scrunched up at the term abuse because I didn’t look at it like that. I popped a few from time to time, but I didn’t consider it abuse. It’s not like I was an addict or anything. I’m capable of stopping at any time; I just don’t want to. Hell, with the way my life had been going lately, can anyone really blame me?

“Yo, keep your voice down. You don’t need to put the whole house in my business,” I exclaimed.

Oh’Shun was my brother, so of course I understood why he was so worried. However, I wasn’t in the mood for another lecture about how wrong I was. My mother has been blowing my phone up for days now, and I knew whatever she needed to say wouldn’t be anything good. I’m sick of all the speeches on how I needed to grow up and change. Everyone around me has made mistakes in life; I don’t understand why I’m looked at as the villain.

“It seems to me that your priorities are all fucked up because the last thing that you should be worried about is whether or not someone hears me. Why the fuck are you still taking these pills in the first place? And where the hell did you get these? I know for a fact your original prescription has expired, so what the fuck is really going on? Don’t tell me you’re out here scoring pills like a junky!” He may have been a couple of years younger than me, but he was smarter, too. He didn’t even give me a chance to make up a good lie before he started firing off questions back-to-back.

“Look, I don’t have time to be sitting here answering questions. Just pretend like you didn’t see anything and let it go. This has nothing to do with you anyway.” I attempted to shove past him to get to the front door. At this point, I had to leave because I knew if I didn’t, things would only get worse.

“No!” Oh’Shun surprised me when he shoved me back, almost causing me to fall to the ground. “The only reason why I didn’t tell Mom and Dad was because you promised they were for temporary use only. Now you’re standing here with glossed-over eyes and a baggie full of pills, talking about it’s none of my business. Well, I bet I know whose business it will be once I tell them.” He threatened. Oh’Shun was taller than me in height, but this was the first time I’ve ever felt intimidated by him.

“Come O, don’t you think you’re taking this a little too far?” I tried to reason with him. I’m already the black sheep of the family; the last thing I needed was for them to have another reason to judge me.

“No, obviously, you’re not taking it seriously enough. Do you know how addictive those pills can be? Have you thought about the kind of damage they can do to your mind and your body? Come on now, you're a college student! Did you not consider the ramifications of all of this? Where the hell did you even get the pills? Are you fucking dumb?!” He pressed, blocking me from leaving.

“Yo, what’s going on out here?” Loyal ass walking up on us. I pleaded with my eyes for Oh’Shun not to say anything. Loyal has always been an idol to me, and I couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing him, not like this.

“Do you want to tell him or should I?” O stood there with his arms crossed. I knew then that my secret would be exposed.

“Somebody better start talking and fast,” Loyal gritted, staring me up and down. My mind reflected back on O’s description of my eyes and I wondered if it was true. Normally, it took some time for the pills to kick in but since I have been using them more regularly things have changed.

“These fell out of his pocket. I caught him taking some a few months back, but he swore it was only temporary.” My brother passed Loyal the baggie of pills.” For a moment, we all stood there in silence. I felt like a child waiting for his parents to explode on them. Lo wasn’t the type to hold his tongue, so I already knew he would be pissed.

“Are you fuckin’ serious? Free, you’re a motherfucking pill head now?” His eyebrows dipped in anger. Loyal rarely got upset so I knew this wasn’t going to end well.

“Don’t try to act like a saint now. It’s not even that big of a deal,” I asserted. Of course, I knew he wouldn’t buy it. His eyes were on me, but I noticed the look of concern flashing across his face. I hated that. There was no room for a pity party. I had done enough for that myself.

“When the fuck did you start doing this?! Do you know how serious this is? How many motherfucking people are strung out on the streets because of these fucking pills? Are you fucking dumb?!” He roared, garnering the attention of everyone else in the house.

I should’ve just taken my ass home in the first place, and none of this would’ve been happening. His chest heaved up and down as he held the pills in his hand. Part of me wanted to ask for them back, although I knew he wouldn’t agree.

“Messiah, you better get your cousin before I beat his ass. Your mama put you in that private school for you to get a better education only for you to turn out to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers I’ve ever met!” Loyal seethed. I’ve never been afraid of him in my life, but the anger radiating off of him worried me. I wasn’t in a mood to fight anyone. The purpose of the pills were to calm me down so I didn’t stand a chance anyways.

“What’s going on? Why do you look like you’re about to beat someone’s ass?” Messiah questioned.

“This dumbass has been copping pills off the street like a fucking junkie!” Loyal blurted out. My hands were sweaty as Messiah sauntered over to us. He examined the pills, just like Loyal, before looking up at me.

“What’s gotten into you? First, this situation with Bree and Onyx, and now this? Why wouldn’t you tell us about this?” he probed. The disappointed grimace on his face pained me, but I held a stoic expression on my face partly because the pills had kicked in, causing my body to become loosened up.

“Don’t try to act like you care about me now. Y’all are blowing this shit out of proportion. People pop pills all the time. Hell, most of your favorite rappers are on some type of drugs.” I reason, shrugging while trying my best to hold my position.

“What the hell do you mean? Your feelings about Onyx have nothing to do with me. My love for you hasn’t changed even though you’ve been on some foul shit. Fuck all the petty shit you’re talking about. I don’t give a damn what anyone else has going on. This shit is dangerous. If we didn’t give a fuck about you, we wouldn’t even be checking you about the shit. Come on, Free, this isn’t cool at all,” Messiah looked concerned while Loyal appeared as if he wanted to knock my ass out.

“You don’t get it; none of you do!” I grumbled. When it came to my feelings, I normally kept them bottled up. All my parents cared about were my career and my image. No one understood the pressure I was under every day. Then there’s this situation with Breyoun. I never wanted to be a father and although I love my son, I can admit I’m still not ready. Being a parent wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I’m juggling so much on my plate right now with no one in my corner. The pills helped with my anxiety, and I honestly didn’t see the issue with me taking them. It’s not like I’m hurting myself or anyone else. Lately, it seems like everyone needed someone to project their feelings onto and I’m the chosen scapegoat.

“You’re better than this,” Messiah reasoned. I chuckled, staring out at the small crowd of family members that had gathered in the hallway.

“What makes you so sure of that? How do you know this isn’t who I am?” My arms were crossed in frustration. They were wasting their time, because nothing would change. I’m a grown-ass man, and no one could tell me what to do.

“I’m not about to sit around and watch you self-destruct.” Loyal’s tone softened from a moment ago, but the anger was still present.

“What are you going to do? Huh? Tell my parents? I’m not a kid anymore. Your permission isn’t needed, and neither is theirs. Why does everyone else get to live life the way they want to, but I’m the one who needs to change?” I huffed. I grew irritable standing here. They could say whatever they wanted, but they were wasting their time.

“We’ve known you since the day Auntie Faith brought your ass from the hospital, so I’d say we know your ass pretty damn well. You’re young, and I get that. However, this shit is whack as hell. Especially, buying it off the street. These folks are mixing all kinds of drugs together these days. One bad dose can take your silly ass right up out of here. What part of this don’t you understand!” Loyal shouted. Wise and Justice stood behind him for support.

“This isn’t all about you, Free. What do you think it would do to Aunt Faith and Uncle Omar if they had to bury their son? Not to mention the fact that you have a child of your own. Do you want Sincere to grow up without a father? How do you think your death would affect them? Hell, this whole family. Regardless of what you think, losing you would destroy us. Is that what you want? Are you that hard up for attention that you would tear this family apart?” His words enraged me. Lately, I haven’t felt much like family, especially since Breyoun had my son. The moment they found out about him, no one seemed to care about me anymore.

“Man, get out of here with all that! None of y’all muthafuckas have checked on me once since I’ve been back home. Hell, you barely did the shit after I left, so you can save the guilt trips.” Spit flew from my mouth as my ears grew hot. When I first left, everyone sent their well wishes, but after a month, no one gave me a second thought outside of my parents and Oh’Shun. Loyal checked in a few times, but that’s it. My brother O2 never even bothered to reach out to me, but our relationship has always been strained. He’s the golden child who made it to the NFL and can do no wrong in anyone’s eyes.

---