Page 66 of Sunshine After the Rain

I reflected on the time I’d spent with Mum since I returned to Willowdale and Dad’s comment about Tuesday afternoons being the highlight of her week. They’d been a highlight for me too. It was so unfair that she’d been taken away just as we’d got our relationship back on track. I’d missed out on so much by leaving and I’d assumed we’d have years left to make up for it. I needed to focus on being grateful for the time we did have instead of what we could have had if I hadn’t fled. I focused on Alice’s words once more –We can easily be knocked off balance but as long as we keep looking ahead instead of focusing on the past, we can get there.I needed to do that for me and I needed to help Dad find a way to carve out a future for himself without the love of his life by his side. And in the process, maybe I’d find a way to do that for myself without Mum and without the two other loves of my life. Maybe.

32

On Thursday morning I woke up feeling concerned about Dad. Across the week, I’d respected his desire to have space. I’d checked in with him over the phone on Tuesday morning and he’d told me that Regan and Clarke were visiting after work so asked if I could give him some space for the rest of the day. Georgia and Keira had visited him on Wednesday afternoon and I’d spent the day with him yesterday. The results from Mum’s post-mortem had come through and confirmed what we’d all suspected – sudden cardiac arrest. How strange that my eighty-year-old mum and my eighteen-year-old son had both died from fatal heart attacks, albeit for very different reasons. Both left gaping holes behind them and a trail of broken hearts. Having Mum’s cause of death confirmed meant we were able to sort a date for the funeral so Dad and I spent most of the yesterday phoning round to let people know the arrangements.

With all those visitors and so much to do, Dad had barely left the house and that wasn’t good so I phoned him after I made my morning coffee and suggested a walk together today. He passed on my offer but phoned back within the hour to say he’d changed his mind and getting out into the fresh air would be very welcome. As he hadn’t spent much time in the fells since Mum’s back problems started, he didn’t want to go anywhere too strenuous but, equally, he’d prefer somewhere there weren’t hordes of people. That was going to be a challenge. It was Good Friday, sunny and mild so there’d be people everywhere, somewhat limiting our options. I ambitiously suggested Latrigg to the north-east of Keswick but, when we approached it, we could see a stream of people making their ascent or descent.

‘Why don’t we try the old railway?’ I suggested. ‘If it’s just as busy, we can return to Willowdale and walk round the lake instead.’

The three-mile former railway line ran from Keswick to just outside the village of Threlkeld and was popular with walkers and cyclists as well as being pushchair and wheelchair friendly thanks to the smooth tarmac surface. Those wanting an extended circular walk could cross over the main road instead of turning off to the village and follow the route back into Keswick via Castlerigg Stone Circle. Dad and I decided to take the circular route but, if the popular stone circle was too busy, we could walk straight past it.

We were about halfway along the railway track when Dad announced that he’d spoken to Flynn this morning. My stomach lurched at the mention of his name and what I knew would be coming next.

‘I’ve invited him to the funeral.’

I’d already found out from Georgia that Dad had rung Flynn on Monday, wanting the news to come directly from him.

‘Is he coming?’

‘Yes, but he isn’t coming to the inn afterwards.’

‘Because of me?’

He sighed. ‘He said he doesn’t want to cause any tension on an already difficult day.’

We continued on in silence and I tried to make myself say the words I was certain Dad wanted to hear –I’ll call him and let him know it’s okay –but I couldn’t do it. This was hard enough without throwing a telephone conversation with Flynn into the mix.

‘I was wondering if you could—’ Dad started.

‘I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s right that he comes to the funeral and I think he should come to the wake too but please don’t ask me to tell him that myself.’

‘Why won’t you speak to him, Mel? I don’t understand.’

That made two of us! ‘It’s complicated. And I know some people think that’s a pathetic non-excuse but it’s all I have. You can tell him he has my blessing to be there, but I’m not going to get in touch with him to give it myself.’

‘I just think that, if you?—’

‘Dad!’ The word came out a bit louder and harsher than I intended and I apologised. ‘Can we drop the subject, please? You asked for space this week and I’ve respected that. Not talking about Flynn is my request and I’d appreciate if you respect that in return.’

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I’m not convinced that avoiding him is the right thing to do but I’ll respect your wishes.’

‘Good. Thank you.’

‘If you ever do want to talk…’

‘I appreciate the offer, but I’m fine and dandy.’ I cringed inwardly.Fine and dandy?I couldn’t remember the last time I’d used that old-fashioned phrase and, truth be told, I was anything but fine and dandy, but the last thing I was going to do was unleash it all on my dad with what he was going through right now.

We walked in silence for several minutes and I hated the tension between us. I needed a subject change.

‘So, good news, Dougie’s team are almost ready to start working on the boat house…’

It couldn’t have been a better distraction. With Dad sharing my passion for history and old buildings, the conversation flowed all the way to the stone circle. We talked in more detail about the restoration of Willowdale Hall, the other projects I was working on now, and the various projects I’d worked on while I was living in Newcastle.

‘It’s looking busy,’ I said as we reached the trail of cars parked on Castle Lane – the road running alongside the stone circle. ‘Go in or go past?’

We paused by the first entrance and looked into the field where there were people wandering between the stones, taking in the views and posing for photos.

‘I’ve seen it busier,’ he said. ‘Let’s go in.’

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