Page 69 of Sunshine After the Rain

‘Okay. Give me twenty minutes.’

I returned Mark’s phone, got myself a drink and took it outside to where there were several metal tables and chairs in the garden overlooking the lake.

‘Not escaping to The White Willow this time?’ Georgia asked, joining me at my table moments later.

‘Not this time, although it’s very tempting. Flynn’s on his way.’

‘Oh!’

I told her about the conversation with Dad and my subsequent call.

‘Will you be okay?’ she asked.

‘I’ll have to be. Dad needs this and it’s only fair that Flynn has a proper chance to say goodbye.’

‘You’ve got this,’ she said, squeezing my hand across the table.

‘Do you think I’m a bad person?’ I asked her.

‘For not wanting Flynn to be here? Of course not!’

‘No, not that. It’s Mum. I haven’t cried about her. I mean, I shed a few tears the night it happened but it wasn’t much and there’s been nothing since.’

‘I think I might have shed enough for the pair of us,’ she said. ‘Not crying doesn’t make you a bad person and it certainly doesn’t mean you don’t care. You already know that I cry at everything, but I work with someone who says she hasn’t cried since she was little. We all handle our emotions differently.’

I smiled and thanked her but it was an unhelpful platitude – the sort of thing I’d have said to Georgia if our roles had been reversed in the hope of providing some comfort. It didn’t bring me any because I knew I was an emotional person who used to cry all the time. Why not now?

‘How did it feel seeing Flynn at the crem?’ Georgia asked.

I thought for a moment. ‘Surprisingly comforting, but then I got here and I was relieved when Dad said he wasn’t coming. Not that that feeling lasted long. Guilt took over that it was my fault and I should have called him when Dad wanted me to. I feel like a walking contradiction.’

‘Everything’s bound to feel off-kilter just now. It does for me and I don’t have as much going on as you. You’ve done the right thing calling Flynn and it’s not like you need to talk for hours. He’ll understand that this isn’t the time or place.’

‘Yeah. Hopefully a hello will be enough.’ I took a sip of my drink. ‘I still don’t want to know anything about him in the meantime.’

She made a zipping motion across her lips and we sat in companionable silence, sipping on our glasses of wine. I kept thinking about Flynn not being here. I knew why he’d dipped out despite Dad giving him the message that it was okay with me. It was because he’d put the ball in my court by giving me his contact details and saying it was up to me to get in touch when and if I was ready. I hadn’t been in touch which told him I wasn’t in that place and he’d respected my wishes and given me space. Typical Flynn, kind as ever.

Keira appeared and asked Georgia if she could look after Astrid while she changed Arlo’s nappy. I watched my sister in the role of doting grandparent and thought about how much Mum had loved being a grandparent and great-grandparent. I’d never get to do that. Mum had been Grandma and Georgia had chosen to be Nanna. What moniker would I have gone for if Noah had lived and had children? As that ball of emotion inside me grew with the question, I tried to shove it from my mind. I needed to remain strong because, any moment now, Flynn would arrive.

34

Astrid spilt her drink down her dress so Georgia took her inside to dry her off. While they were gone, various friends of my parents – many of whom I recognised from Mum’s eightieth – approached me to express their condolences. This time, instead of the jokes about when I was coming home, they shared how delighted Mum had been to have me back, how much she’d loved spending time with me, how proud she was of me, and how excited she’d been about me working at my beloved Willowdale Hall.

While each comment reassured me that the bruises in our relationship had healed, they saddened me too. By the time I spotted Flynn in the distance walking across the car park towards the side entrance, I was feeling extremely emotional. I needed to gather myself together before I saw him, but there was nowhere for me to go. There was nowhere to hide in the garden, the mourners had pretty much taken over inside, The White Willow was open and serving customers, and Willowdale Marina would be busy too. The only place I could think of where people might not be was the bench under the giant willow tree on the village green.

I downed the rest of my drink, slipped my jacket on, grabbed my bag and hastened out of the garden and across the car park before Flynn could find me. My stomach sank as I spotted a woman sitting on the bench talking on her phone while a black pug sniffed the daffodils. I was about to re-think when she wandered off, still chatting, so I dashed across the road and plonked myself down on the bench before anyone else could appear. I needed five minutes, that was all. Maybe ten. I’d close my eyes and try to relax.

The sound of a car horn startled me and I opened my eyes with a jolt. How had I managed to nod off sitting upright on a bench? I blinked a few times and ran my hands through my hair, trying to reorientate myself, and that’s when I saw him, standing on the opposite side of the road. He slowly, seemingly hesitantly, raised his hand in a gesture that felt like half-wave, half-peace offering.

I didn’t want Flynn to cross the road and join me on the bench. We’d be too close together if he did and it was safer to maintain some distance. I picked up my bag, paused on the footpath for a couple of passing cyclists, then joined him, keeping several feet between us.

‘Thanks for coming,’ I said, trying to channel the professional businesswoman in me to keep things civil and emotion-free. Not easy when my heart was racing so fast and thoughts of how good he looked were swirling round my mind.

‘Thanks for calling me.’

‘I shouldn’t have had to. My dad had already told you I was okay with you coming and I thought…’ I broke off with a sigh. Why was I lecturing him when ayou’re welcomewould have sufficed? I softened my voice. ‘Sorry. Tough day.’

‘It’s okay. Your dad said you were there when he found her. That must have been so hard.’

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