Page 76 of Lesson In Faith

Oh yes, there was the second kick, harder than the first, and she was lucky the pain shearing through her heart didn’t drop her to her knees.

It was only because her community training was so thorough that she refrained from retaliating with her fists. She wanted to pummel that stupidly broad chest with her hands, scratch and punch his heart until it felt as mangled and worthless as her own in that moment.

Instead, she stepped away, turning her back on him. His soft curse was muffled as she wrestled the shirt over her head and tossed it aside with barely restrained violence. Naked, in more ways than one, she climbed into the water and, holding her cast aloft, sank beneath the surface.

Heat washed over her chilled skin, yet her bones remained cold.

Where did they go from here?

If she said no, would she have to run again? She couldn’t stay here in the cabin with him, that was for sure, but she had nothing to offer Elias in exchange for staying. Hell, she’d probably run just to try and escape the heartbreak, and that set her right back into Jedidiah’s sights.

It wasn’t like she couldtalkto Merrick, explain that she didn’t care if it hurt. There would always be pain in life—it started with birth and ended in death. She couldn’t tell him that she expected nothing less than suffering when it came to sex, because community men were known for reveling in it.

With him, she’d been willing to accept it, knowing she’d be looking in his eyes, feeling his skin against hers, his body movinginsidehers, knowing that even though it hurt physically, he wasn’t doing it on purpose.

That he’d guard her heart and her soul, and treat her like a person instead of a toy to torment, degrade, destroy.

Fingers linked through hers, drawing her back to the surface just as her lungs began to burn. Water streamed down her face, masking the tears she couldn’t hold back.

Bowing her head, she refused to look at him.

“Little owl—”

She splashed her other hand through the water, flinging it at him. She didn’t want to hear the gentleness in his voice right now, the regret and concern.

He’d made a decisionabouther without discussing itwithher, and now they both had to suffer while she tried to sort through the confusion and rejection to find a solutionshecould live with… and it was difficult.

The only other option was to say yes.

How hard could it be to lay beneath another man, wishing it was Merrick instead? It was only sex, after all, wasn’t it? A quick joining between two bodies that didn’t have to mean anything.

She could close her eyes, shut out the world, and when it was over…

Die a little inside.

“Forget I said anything, Tamsyn.” He was smart enough to murmur the words, soothing her jangled nerves instead of twanging them. “It was a thought, that’s all.”

A thought he’d acted on when he asked Fordham to be his stand-in, she thought wearily. A thought that was too late to retract.

They needed to deal with it now.

Tonight.

Until they resolved it, it would fester between them, growing bigger and bigger until it was the monster in the room, eclipsing everything she’d come to treasure with him over the past month. Draining away the sweet moments, the funny ones, the memories of fun and tenderness and feeling loved.

So, there was really only one way to move forward, wasn’t there?

Suddenly impatient to get it over with, Tamsyn tugged her hand from his and tried to get up. The water, the heat, was making her feel claustrophobic, and she wantedout.

Silently, Merrick hooked his hands under her arms and lifted her free, setting her on her feet. She nudged him away, grabbing a towel and awkwardly wrapping it around herself as she stomped toward the bedroom, leaving a wet trail of footprints behind her.

She made a beeline for the bedside table, snatching up the phone he’d given her for emergencies.

“Darlin’—”

No, he didn’t get to use that tone of voice with her tonight. Sensing him behind her, feeling the wariness seeping from his presence, she whirled around and—keeping her eyes averted—shoved the phone into his chest, gesturing for him to use it.

“You want me to call Fordham?”

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