Page 99 of Limbo

His gaze waits for mine, and he takes a slow step closer. “Why are you mad?”

“Really, I don’t want to get into it here.”

He gestures around the empty space, void of the suitemates and band members we normally deal with. “If you want to yell at me, this is a prime location.”

“Don’t be cute,” I say.

“Impossible,” he replies. “So, will you please tell me why you’re mad?”

Fine. If he wants to fight, who am I to deny him?

“Why won’t you consider going to school out of state?”

“Why should I have to?”

“Jordan, do you realize how many people would kill to have someone pay for them to go to school? Not only that, but to essentially have a guaranteed high-paying job when they finish?”

“Doyourealize how many people hate their lives because they’re miserable in their careers?”

I squint at him. “Is thatyourreason?”

He looks like he has a witty retort all fired up, but after a beat, he says, “My mother only wants me to go out of state to separate me from you. Well, originally, Jess, but the point remains the same. If I didn’t have a girlfriend, she wouldn’t care where I went to school.”

“What if you didn’t have a girlfriend? Would you consider it then?”

I need him to tell me that I have nothing to do with him not wanting to leave for school. To assure me he’s not making choices because of me. Of us.

But instead, he lets out a sigh. “I don’t even want to go to law school, so this entire conversation is irrelevant.”

Frustrated he’s avoiding a straight answer, I drop my head back. “Fine, ignore the law school aspect. What if your parents offered to pay for grad school for whatever you wanted—music, philosophy, bull riding—the only stipulation being you pick anywhere other than Pennsylvania? What would you say?”

“Would the only reason they want me out of Pennsylvania be to put distance between us?”

“Don’t factor me into the decision.”

He rubs his forehead. “Callie, this is ridiculous. We’re fighting about a made-up scenario.”

“I don’t want you to base decisions on me and end up trapped with me, Jordan.” The words come out in a rush, but I need him to grasp what I now realize is the most glaring difference between us. “Even if you decide not to go to law school, you can go anywhere. Do anything. I can’t. I’m here for the duration, and I won’t be a reason you stay.”

“What are you talking about? In a few months, you turn nineteen and then—”

“And then what? Connor and Cate magically stop needing me? My responsibilities miraculously go away? The day after my birthday brings the same set of shitty circumstances. My reality stays unaltered. Nothing changes just because of some pointless date circled on a calendar.”

It’s the truth I’ve been hiding from Connor. The second or fifth time, the countdown to freedom will always be meaningless. Limbo has no expiration date.

“How long will you put your life on hold then, Callie?” he asks, not giving me time to respond. “Do you plan on driving there every weekend for the next twelve years to babysit?”

I laugh and drag my hands down my face. “Babysit?” I need another second, as I’m in utter disbelief of how he sees my life. “I forge permission slips and give safe sex talks to teenagers. I call Connor in sick to school when he stays awake all night, worrying about things out of his control. I miss class to comb lice out of Cate’s hair because Lauren has bailed so she won’t get them. I sell my stuff to buy cleats and book bags and sometimes their food.”

“But you shouldn’t be doing any of these things. You’re their sister, not their parent.”

I blow out a breath and cross my arms over my chest. “You don’t get it. They don’t have parents. They have Lauren living out a drunken, sorority-girl fantasy, chained down by the kids she never wanted. And Graham who, on some weekends, refuses to talk to any of us. But others, he screams at Connor for shutting his door too hard. Or at me for looking too much like Lauren.”

Jordan steps toward me, hand extended. “Callie—”

“No.” I back away from him. “You need to understand what happens behind the curtains. Connor hates Graham more than I do. I’m terrified of what it’s doing to him. And what will it do to Cate in a few years? I can’t let them go through what I did, let them lose themselves. I just can’t.”

I bite my lip and focus on not crying. I’ve seen this moment coming for a while now. The one where I accept the only thing keeping Connor and Cate afloat is me and have to admit nothing will change for us, no matter how desperately I want it to.

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