Page 220 of Scrimmage

As we make our way downstairs, I try not to think about what Sinclair asked. All through dinner I’m distracted, though. All of those years that my best friend told me that stupid saying, and it lived on all of this time. That saying saved me from letting the last little ember of hope be snuffed out by Damien. Do I miss Yang? Admittedly, yes. It’s hard not to miss someone you were so close to.

All of that is so far behind me now. I understand why Sinclair would bring it up. He feels the shift in me, too. Moving on is tricky business. It comes and goes in waves. I still believe what I thought about the ocean. I run forward to be dragged back by the current, but now it feels like I’m caught in a tidal pool. I’m being given a chance, allowed to swim, and that is fucking freedom.

Girls go to college to get more knowledge.

Turns out, having more knowledge doesn’t always save your life. It’s your ability at self-preservation that runs the show in the moments that count.

Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

They do. Maybe not all of them, but it doesn’t take going away to make you an idiot. You can sit on your couch, and your brain will still rot. My momma’s did. Goes for anyone, really. Can't be all that stupid since more than one has tricked and manipulated me.

Ashland died all of those years ago. Then she died again. She should’ve died a hundred times over. I’m like a cat with nine lives. It took a few to realize it, but I still have seven more left. Seven lives until the seventh seal breaks, and I’m left with Silence.

Problem is, I’ve never been a quiet bitch.

I glance over at Koda who chews and listens. Sure, there are more people I wish were sitting around this table, but that’s not how life works. They say appreciate the ones you’ve got because someday they might be gone.

I can’t kill Ashland anymore. I need to start accepting that she’s a part of me. I let her go to sleep and dream of my life now. Let her believe she gets to live it. It’s my only hope of trying to keep her somewhat quiet inside of my head. Shoving tape over someone’s mouth or burying their bones in a deep grave has never been a quiet affair. It’s never made things better, only held them off.

Poison: a substance that is capable of causing the illness or death of a living organism when introduced or absorbed.

Penny said that emotions were the Vaughn family poison, but that’s not it. Not exactly.

It’s love.

Epilogue

Ashland

My thumb hovers over the contact Jeremy sent me. I’ve deleted it before, tried to stop myself, but I've looked at it so many times that the phone number is ingrained into my mind like the song you hate. I press call and hang up after the first ring in a panic.

It’s stupid to call it. Reckless. I’ve decided to try to leave the past behind, but it’s like some sort of magnet, pulling me back. The therapist I had when I was sixteen, Michelle, told me it would be like that. That’s what abuse does to you.

For all of Koda’s security, I’m still unsettled. I’ll never be able to just live my fucking life without all these goddamn skeletons and ghosts. He doesn’t seem to mind. I know I need to tell him the details. It’s not that I don’t think he’ll believe me, or that he’ll hate me, but what if he’s disgusted by me? What if he looks at me with pity instead of that vindictive possessiveness that makes me weak? What if he’s afraid to touch me?

I’ve spent a lot of my life running or pretending, which is just a nice word for lying. Koda can see through me, but he doesn’t know the truth of it all. He sees the marrow of my bones, but he can’t identify the substance. Not yet.

I bite my thumbnail in indecision. The screen goes black, and I touch it so it lights up again, illuminating my face in the dark tinted car. Alexi knocks on the window, jolting me out of my thoughts. I roll it down and glare at him.

“Looks like her flight was delayed a few minutes." He leans into the window. He can tell he’s interrupted something. “You alright?”

“I’m…”

“Don’t fucking say you’re fine,” he warns. I hate how well he and Koda have gotten to know me.

I give him a pained smile. “I’m just anxious.”

He takes stock of me, pulling down his sunglasses. “Penny is your best friend. It was just a summer. Nothing has changed.”

“Koda shouldn’t be telling you shit.”

“It doesn’t take a genius." He smirks. “Plus, you’re practically my sister-in-law. Can’t fool me.”

“We aren’t getting married.” I roll my eyes.

“Yet,” he quips.

“Oh, please, Lex. It’s senior year. We’re having fun, and it’s convenient. Koda is doing us a favor that happens to benefit him, too. Before we know it, it'll be spring, and we’ll be graduating. You guys will go pro, and Penny and I will travel the world or something.”

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