Page 61 of The Master

Mom cleared her throat, and I realized I’d been staring. I moved forward to take Mona’s other arm, a lump forming in my throat when I felt just how frail she was. We took her straight to the table so she wouldn’t have to move again, and then Mom excused herself to go check on dinner, leaving me alone with the woman who’d broken my heart so long ago.

“It’s all right, kiddo.”

Her voice was raspier than I remembered. She’d been a heavy smoker before I was born, but she’d cut it down and only smoked outside after I’d come along. I wondered if she’d started up again when she’d left and if that was why she was sick.

“All right?” I echoed.

Her laugh was brittle and ended in a fit of coughing. Mom came in with a glass of water but didn’t stay. Once Mona was recovered enough to talk, she answered the question I hadn’t really asked.

“Let’s not pretend that you don’t think I deserve this.” Her words didn’t hold any animosity. Or any emotion, really. She could have been talking about the weather.

“Mona, I…” I shook my head and sat down. “Honestly, I have no idea how I feel right now.”

She shrugged. “That’s better than I’d thought you’d feel toward me.”

This conversation wasn’t going the way I’d thought it would. My head was spinning.

“I’ve already told Roberta my story, and now I want to tell you. Not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but because I know leaving like I did was a shitty thing to do, and you deserve to know the whole truth.”

“Okay.” I took in a deep, steadying breath. “I’m listening.”

She nodded once and seemed to brace herself. “I didn’t want kids, and I know that’s an awful thing to say to someone who was supposed to be my daughter, but I don’t want to lie to you.”

It did hurt, but it wasn’t really much of a surprise to hear her say what I’d suspected.

“I tried,” she continued. “I loved Roberta, and she wanted a baby, so I went along with it. And sometimes, it was great, being with the two of you, but I always felt like a fake, being someone I wasn’t.”

Mom came back in and took a seat on the other side of me. She didn’t interrupt Mona’s story, though, and the words kept coming.

“Over the years, I felt more and more stifled, trapped. None of it was your fault. Either of you. I should have been honest from the beginning. I had no right to put the two of you through that deceit.” She paused to take a sip of water. “I thought about leaving for months before I actually did it. Then one day, the two of you weren’t there, and I realized that if I didn’t leave right then, I never would. I’m not going to lie and say that I did it for your benefit. My decision was completely selfish.”

My mom took my hand and squeezed it, reminding me that she and I were still in this together.

“I’ve always been selfish. Besides lying, I cheated. Never long-term affairs, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that I was with other women.”

Now, it was my turn to squeeze my mom’s hand. The expression on her face told me that she’d already known about the cheating. It didn’t make me any less angry with Mona, but it did keep me quiet. For now, at least.

“I’d thought that leaving would mean I would have the life I’d always thought I wanted. Casual relationships, no commitments. No family tying me down. No responsibilities, other than work. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, with who I wanted.”

If it wasn’t for the self-loathing I could hear in her voice, I would’ve told her to shove her amends up her ass and kicked her out, dying or not.

“For six years, I hooked up with whoever I found attractive at the time. I acted like some immature asshole, going from bed to bed. Then I met Yvonne, and she took me to rock bottom.” Another sip of water. “She was an addict. It started with coke, just a little for a pick-me-up. A social thing that we’d do at parties. Then we’d do it when…in the bedroom.”

Mom’s hand tightened around mine, and I wished we were alone so I could ask her if she was still in love with Mona. Then I was glad that we weren’t alone, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.

“Cocaine became heroin, and time went by in a blur. At some point, Yvonne left, and I heard later that she overdosed a few months after that. I didn’t really care at the time. I was using heavily, doing whatever I needed to do to get my fix.”

This wasn’t the story I thought she’d tell. I’d been prepared for her to say she was lonely because she’d abandoned us and now, she didn’t want to be alone because she was sick. Nothing about this had been anywhere close to my radar.

“Three years ago, I woke up in the hospital with no idea of how I’d gotten there or what day it was. I was under arrest for solicitation and assault, but I didn’t remember any of it. I was sentenced to three months of rehab and got clean.” She swallowed hard and glanced up at me before looking back down at her glass. “It was too late, though. At some point in those years, I’d contracted hepatitis and HIV. A year ago, I was told that I’d run out of treatment options. I’ve lived longer than anyone expected me to, but my time’s almost up.”

I finally understood why Mom wanted me to talk to Mona. Not so I’d pity her, but so I’d see that she had suffered for her actions.

“I had a long list of people I needed to make amends with as part of my recovery, and I always knew the two of you were the ones who deserved it the most, but I was a coward. I put you last because I knew you’d be the hardest. I’m not asking for forgiveness, because I know I don’t deserve it, but I wanted you to know that I regret every day how I handled things. You both deserved so much better than that.” She met my eyes for the first time, and I saw the shadows in them. “I am so sorry.”

I’d agreed to meet with Mona because I had things to say to her. Listening to her wasn’t something I’d wanted to do, but Mom had thought it was important, and now I understood why. All the pain and anger I had toward her was still there, and I knew I’d need to say it to get even a hint of closure, but right now, there was something more important I needed to say.

I’d seen how unspoken things and unforgiveness had torn Nate’s family for years. Mona wasn’t a part of my family anymore, but if I refused to give her at least some measure of peace, I would carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life.

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