Page 43 of Dangers of Love

It went something like this…

At some point around two or three in the morning, I realized that I didn’t know how to diaper a baby. I’d never babysat or even been around many infants. I didn’t even really know much about toddlers either, but I’d be okay once they were school age.

I’d have to decide whether or not I wanted to teach at the same school my child attended, and while that would make the most sense travel-wise, it might make it difficult for me to avoid being their teacher. I’d had a couple professors who’d said that it was usually a bad idea to teach your own child, but it wasn’t unethical, though some schools might have their own policies regarding that. I’d have to take that into consideration when I started researching places to put in my resumé.

That thought made me realize that I needed to update my employment history to include the boutique. While retail wasn’t in my field, I was enjoying the work. The clothes were amazing, which led to something else…

I was going to need new clothes before I knew it. Maternity ones. Then the post-baby-body clothes. I should donate the old ones I wouldn’t be able to use anymore. Maybe a homeless shelter or a thrift store. Or I could find a church that did clothing drives. The church where Freedom and I had been baptized as babies gave things away every Christmas.

Maybe Eoin would want the baby baptized at his family church. It could be in Scotland. I needed to look into getting a passport…

Hours and hours of this sort of inner monologue, one thought chasing the previous one, my brain bouncing all over the place.

I sighed. I’d promised Eoin I’d call him today and that we’d arrange a time for us to talk, but I was dreading that conversation. Not because I thought Eoin was going to say something wrong, but because I still didn’t feel like I was ready for any deep conversation. The only thing I had definitely decided was that I didn’t want an abortion. I wanted my baby.

That seemed like a big enough decision for yesterday, but now, I regretted not trying to figure more out. If I was going to be a mom – no, there wasn’t anif– now that Iwasa mom, I needed to be able to do things like that. Make the tough decisions. Know what should be done and how to do it. Or, at least, know where to start looking.

I didn’t have a plan for this.

I’d always had a set goal, a timeline of sorts, but I’d never really thought of it as rigid. While I did like knowing where I was going and what I was doing, I considered myself flexible. The problem was, this wasn’t about being able to bend. I’d gotten pregnant by a man I’d only known for a little over a month. The only man I’d ever slept with.

That wasn’t bent. That was completely broken off and thrown a mile away.

Okay, so maybe that was a slight exaggeration of reality, but it definitely felt that way. I’d stayed so focused on school, my eyes fixed on graduation before moving on into the education field where I’d establish myself before starting a family. I’d even gone so far to plan on having a baby shortly after school let out in the summer and then be able to return in the fall.

I knew life didn’t always work that way, especially when it came to fertility. My own parents were proof of that. But there was a difference between not making a big deal out of not being able to schedule a pregnancy around a school year and getting pregnant when dating hadn’t even been on my radar. Well, for the most part, anyway. Eoin and I had started dating before I found out I was pregnant, but I was fairly certain that I’d actually gotten pregnant when we were still in the ‘hook-up’ stage of things.

Timing was, it turned out, a bitch.

I sighed and finally sat up. For the first time in my life, I was tempted to continue lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and not doing a single productive thing. Some people might’ve thought I deserved to do that, to wallow and moan about events already set into motion.

Even if I had decided to terminate the pregnancy, my life had already changed, if for no other reason than it had put Eoin and me into a position that made us look at our future in a different way. While I knew it was ultimately my decision whether or not I wanted to have the baby, Eoin’s feelings were part of the equation now. He’d said he was with me, no matter what, but now that it was real…

I’d made my decision, and he’d have an opinion about it, one way or the other. His thoughts would also affect our relationship, either for good or bad. And that, in turn, would change the path of my future.

A ripple effect. One little pebble into the middle of a pond disturbed water all the way out to the very edges. Being pregnant wasn’t exactly a little pebble, but the principle was the same. Once the water had been disturbed, even when it was calm again, it had changed on some fundamental level.

Ihad changed on a fundamental level.

And at the core of that change was the fact that I was no longer responsible for only myself. I had another life to consider, to care for, to make my priority. I couldn’t freak out.

Strangely enough, that acknowledgment calmed me more than anything else. Was I more ready now than I had been a few minutes ago? No. Did I have a better idea of what I was going to do next? Not really. Just that I needed to get out of bed and get something to eat because my child needed nourishment.

With that goal firmly in mind, I climbed out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Martina had picked up extra hours this morning, so I was alone, and the place was relatively quiet. I could hear some noise from the neighboring apartments, but the sound was muffled, more of a background noise than anything that really drew my attention. It was surprisingly pleasant.

While I didn’t feel as if I would be sick, I still chose something bland and ate it slowly. I needed a plan for the day, and that was what I thought about while I ate. One thing I needed to do was clear, at least. I’d promised Eoin I’d call him. The two of us really had to sit down and have a real talk about where we went from here, but I didn’t know if I had it in me just yet.

I needed to organize my thoughts, so I took a notepad and pen out of the basket on the table and began to write down everything I needed to do. I’d put them in order later.

Make a prenatal appointment with Dr. Rhimes, remembering to get an official due date as well as recommendations for the best literature.

Tell my parents and decide if I want them to tell Freedom or not. Perhaps I was being weak, but I had to be honest about what I could and couldn’t handle. Freedom finding out was something I wasn’t entirely sure about.

My living situation. While I had some time before that would become a problem, I didn’t want to rush into something I’d regret. I’d never intended to stay at Martina’s apartment for very long. The first of the year had been my absolute furthest out deadline to get a place of my own.

Now, I needed to decide if I wanted to keep with that, or if it would be better for me to go back to my parents’ place. Needing a room for the baby automatically excluded going back to the apartment I shared with Freedom in Stanford. How involved Eoin truly wanted to be would contribute to the location in which I searched for appropriate places.

As I wrote, my mind became clearer, necessary thoughts falling into line while all the detritus floated away. By the time I finished – for now anyway – I was calmer, more in control. While I couldn’t honestly say that I would ever be one hundred percent confident enough to talk to Eoin, I knew I had to make that call.

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