Page 7 of Saved By the SEAL

Oh, no.The painful, ice-cold shame washes over me before I even fully wake up. I don’t dare open my eyes yet to see what I’ve unleashed. I might have been in the middle of an incredible dream just then, but in the middle of the night, the nightmares came for me once more. They came for me so painfully that the screams vibrated in my chest and shook me awake. I saw so much blood rolling off me and so many ways in which Alexander wanted to take me down, it was too much.

I shouldn’t be suffering from these nightmares anymore. They might have haunted me in the safehouse, but I was alone then. I didn’t have anyone to protect me. I thought that as soon as Max provided me with protection, then it would be okay. Icouldtry and blame it on the fact that Jordan clearly doesn’t have a lot of good feelings about me, but as soon as I popped my eyes open and I saw him there, I instantly felt a million times better. I threw my arms around him and refused to let him go.

At the time, it was the only logical thing to do. IneededJordan in my arms to know that no one could get to me, but now in thecold light of morning, which I can see even if my eyelids remain closed, I’m embarrassed about the whole thing.

He’s going to think that I’m crazy, hugging him to sleep all night. He might even think this is proof of my still wanting to be a seductive spy. I mean, it doesn’t look great, does it, my dragging him into bed with me? This is a weird situation.

And now, I’m going to have to accept the day, open my eyes, and have a terribly awkward conversation. But first, I need to ensure that the duvet is covering me completely. Until I can have some night wear that I’m actually comfortable with, I only have what I was sent to America with and it really isn’t great. It’s much too revealing for my liking. He probably saw everything…

Okay,I think desperately to myself as I attempt to gear myself up for the worst, Iknowthis isn’t going to end well and it’s terribly problematic for me.Time to just do this already. Rip the Band-Aid off quickly and see the gaping wound underneath.

I count to three inside my mind before I dare to peek even the smallest bit, but as soon as I get even the smallest glimpse of the room, the tension floods from my body. I’m alone. At some point either in the night or this morning, Jordan must have scooted off to give me some much-needed space to wrap my mind around all of this. I have no doubt that he needed that too. I must have confused the poor guy as much as I have myself. Oh, it’s just so humiliating.

“Michelle, you absolute moron,” I mutter angrily to myself as I throw the sheets off me. “Youmudak.”

Sometimes, in a situation such as this one, only a Russian insult will do, although I need to tone down anything to do with my home nation while I’m attempting to slide under the radar. IfAlexander and the others are out there looking for me, they will want signs of my being Russian. Max and Jordan can only do so much. I need to help myself too.

Luckily, I don’t exactly have a lot of happy memories from home, so putting it behind me won’t be too much of an issue. I should be able to overcome that with just a little bit of focus on what I say and do all the time. It shouldn’t be a problem at all. Maybe if I had been forced to leave behind some happiness, things would be different, but that isn’t the case.

“Don’t even think about it,” I hiss at myself, knowing that I’ll only get annoyed and upset if I do. “Focus on the now.”

I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror as I pass it and pout out my bottom lip. I really do have too much skin on show. I’m going to have to suck it up and head out to the shops as soon as possible. Max seems to work fast, so I’m sure he’ll have all my documents sorted out soon enough, which will allow me to get moving with things. However anxious all of that makes me, Iknowthat the only way I’ll finally be happy is to pursue it all. I have Jordan protecting me at the moment, anyway, my fake husband, so I’m not going to get all tied up in knots about what might happen when he won’t allow it.

I don’t want to leave the room just yet, and the bathroom involves my going outside, so I search through my clothing first to see if I have anything to cover me up before I’ll brave facing anyone. I don’t really have anything like I’m looking for. I would kill for an oversized tee shirt to cover me up, but I settle on my most skin-covering clothing before heading to the door.

Only I don’t leave right away. I can’t. My heart is pounding with far too much anxiety for that. I need to hear him first, to know that he’s out there, and to hopefully get a sense of his mood…if that’s something you can achieve while listening to footsteps. But I don’t notice the sounds, that’s not what hits me first, but rather the intense smell of something delicious cooking.

I didn’t think that I could possibly ever be hungry again after last night and all that Chinese food, but whatever Jordan is making smells nice enough to have my stomach rumbling and growling with excitement. Turns out I’m actually starving.

“Good morning.” Jordan’s voice is friendly and welcoming as I push the door open a crack. He doesn’t sound like someone with a chip on his shoulder when it comes to the events of last night at all. Could it be that he forgives me? “I hope I didn’t wake you. I just thought that we could do with a big breakfast when we have a lot to tackle today. Is that okay?”

“We have a lot to do?” I practically creep into the living room. I can’t help but wonder when it’s finally going to feel like this place is mine. This place willbemine for the foreseeable future. “What do we have going on?”

“We’re tackling shopping.” He smiles at my shocked face. I can’t contain my emotions. “I know, I know. You’ve made it very clear that it makes you nervous, but the sooner we get this out of the way, the quicker we can work toward other goals. I think it’ll make you feel happier to wear things you’re more comfortable in anyway, chosen by you, not by someone else.”

He hasn’t mentioned last night yet, which is good. I start to feel all the panic inside me swim to the side and subside a little bit as he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, just like I’m not keen on mentioning it either. He also seems a little warmer toward me than he has been, which I prefer. As humiliating as it was, if last night can lead to something good, then I’m all for it.

“Right.” I gulp anxiously and nod. “Do you have a plan of where we will go? I don’t want to be exposed…”

“I’m not going to let you be exposed. You don’t need to worry about anything. I’ve been working on a plan with Max this morning, and I know exactly where we’re going to go. It’s all safe and under control.”

He hands me my breakfast, and I take a seat to start tucking in. Up until this point, I’ve hated putting my life in the hands of other people and feeling like I don’t have control over my own destiny, but now I don’t know how I’ll cope alone. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been forced to make decisions for myself, and with this much risk hanging over my head, it’s a concept that I can’t even begin to imagine. It makes me a little dizzy even considering it. At least it’ll be a while before I need to.

“Okay, sounds good.” I try to get my breathing a little steadier. “I suppose shopping is the start of the new me.”

I slide my eyes closed for just a moment and lean back on all the fantasies that I’ve had about becoming someone else. I’ve spent years dreaming about throwing the person I always was away to become who I want to be, and this is my chance.

I don’t quite know what she’s going to look like yet. She’s always been a different person inside my mind every time I’ve drifted off, but now I get to create her for real. It’ll be a bit like playing dress up, and I’m sure as hell going to start with some decent night wear and an oversized tee shirt. Being covered up is going to besucha thrill for me.

“Are you going to be there to tell me what looks good?” This starts off as an innocent enough question to Jordan, but as soon as I snap my eyes open and I see his expression, I see how itsounds. Like yet another seduction. Damn it, why the hell can’t I get myself out of that mindset? “I mean, just because I want to know what will help me look… American.”

“Erm, sure.” He coughs awkwardly, that all too familiar pinkness staining his cheeks once more. “I’ll do what I can. I’ve been overseas for a long time, though, so I might not be the best person for you to come to with that.”

I shrug one shoulder. “Well, right now, you are all I have. You must have, or have had, a girlfriend…” I furrow my eyebrows together. Honestly, I’m starting to get annoyed with myself now. “To, err, know what women wear. Not that it’s my business if you have a girlfriend. I’m sure if you do, she doesn’t want you talking about her with me in this weird situation. She might not even know about it, because it’s a bit strange to act like you’re married to someone else, even if it is fake, and living together…”

Shit, I can’t shut myself up. I’ve opened my mouth and word vomit is flying out of me. This is a nightmare. I think the only way I’ll be able to end it is by jumping up and heading toward the bathroom. I need an escape before this gets weirder…

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he calls after me as I attempt to run away. “I don’t think I would be able to do this kind of work if I did. Not just the fake married thing, but the danger. I wouldn’t want my partner to be putting their life on the line all the time, so I think it’s only fair that I don’t do the same in return. I’ve never really had anyone because of that reason, because I’ve always worked in war zones and things. But I’ll do my best to help you. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

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