Page 34 of Christmas in His Arms

"Or New York…" I mumbled. "If I get that job, I have to take it. I can't let that opportunity pass me by." If Ryan really did love me, there was a chance he'd go with me instead of my staying here, but how? How would he ever get past the fact that I was pregnant?

"Hmm… Well, did you ask him?" Ethan's face was covered by a notification banner of an incoming call. Ryan was trying to call me. I flicked the notification away and wiped my eyes again as tears kept pouring from them.

"No, I can't ask him. Are you insane? He's my dad's best friend. Dad will freak out entirely. And Mom will probably flip out too. I mean, he's fifteen years older…" Just saying it out loud confirmed to my mind how that was a horrible idea.

"Love is love, babe. It could work. You should ask him." Ethan wanted to be helpful, but his words weren't helping at all.

"You don't understand, Ethan." I felt my stomach churning again, telling me my breakfast was on its way up soon.

"What don't I understand? Hun, your parents aren't going to live forever, and neither will you. Life is so short. You have to take risks or you’ll never know if you could be happy." Ethan pursed his lips at me and frowned, and I sat up.

"You don't get it. He left his wife because she got pregnant."

"And?" he asked again.

"And I'm pregnant, you idiot…" My throat constricted as I said it, and I barely choked it out.

Then I heard something that made my blood run cold. A gasp, followed by something hitting the ground, and I jumped off the couch in fear and turned around.

Ryan stood behind the sofa with his hat in his hands. The hide-a-key lay on the ground at his feet, and there was a look of complete shock and disbelief on his face.

"You're pregnant?" he asked, and even as he did, his face grew red.

"Oh, my God. Ryan, it's not what you think."

"You swore there was no way you could ever get pregnant…" he mumbled as he started backing toward the door.

"Ryan, wait, let me explain." I moved toward him, reaching for his hand, but he turned and walked out, leaving the door standing open. I raced after him, but he was moving too quickly. "Ryan, please!" I shouted from the door, but he got into his car and started it, driving away with squealing tires.

I stood there sobbing until I couldn't hold back anymore. The bushes received my vomit and I could do nothing about it. I retched for several long minutes and sobbed in between the heaves. That wasn't at all how I wanted him to find out. I thought I'd be out of town when Mom and Dad gave him the news. And now he thought it was his kid too, which only made things worse.

I retreated into the house and shut the door, picked up the key, and walked back over to my phone where Ethan was staring intohis phone camera with a look of horror plastered on his face. His eyebrows were high and his mouth was hanging open.

"My God, girl. What the hell just happened?"

I collapsed onto the couch crying harder than before, barely able to put words together to respond to him. When I did manage to say anything, it was more hysterical mumbling than anything else, and Ethan probably couldn't understand a word I said.

"Okay, look, try to breathe. Take a deep breath," he coached, but it wasn't working.

My heart was tearing in two and no one could do anything about it. "Oh, my God." I was beside myself, rocking and hugging my knees to my chest. My world was crumbling around me now, and now that the worst thing imaginable had happened, I knew what I wanted more than anything. I wanted Ryan. I wanted a life with him. I wanted to be close to him and spend time with him, have sex with him and someday, I wanted him to propose. I wanted love. I wanted him.

"Babe, you just need a minute, okay? I'm going to hang up and I want you to go have a hot shower. When you're a bit calmer, you lie down and have a nap. And when you wake up, you call me back."

I nodded at him, and he blew a kiss toward me, then he hung up. I lay on the couch crying for a while longer, and then I got up and did what he told me. I took a hot shower, sitting down to let the water wash away some of my pain, but it didn't help. I kept crying.

When the water ran cold, I dried off and got dressed and climbed into bed, where I cried more. I curled up under the covers and hid, not even realizing I'd left my phone downstairs. It didn’tmatter. The only person in the world I wanted to speak to had just stormed out of my life, probably for good, and all I wanted to do now was sleep and pretend none of this had happened.

26

RYAN

The whiskey burned my throat as I swallowed it down. My third glass today already, and it was only one in the afternoon. Though, it was the second bottle this week so far. I'd been stewing inside my house, not leaving for any reason. I sat on my couch staring at the fireplace for most of the first afternoon after I interrupted Carrie and overheard her talking to a friend on the phone.

My hands shook with anger, so I drank to try to calm myself. I hadn't spoken to anyone, except Sam, and only then, it was to tell him I'd be taking a few personal days. He never questioned why and I didn't offer an explanation. I didn't want there to be any chance that I'd hear my private turmoil being passed around gossip circles. I was shell-shocked and infuriated.

When Kate told me she was pregnant, I'd responded in outrage. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed by her. She knew from the minute we met that I didn't want children. We dated for a few years, and the whole time, she promised me she didn't want children either. We were so in love, and things were so amazing. We marriedand had more than a decade of such intimate and pure love. I thought she was my forever.

Then her sister had a baby, and family gatherings meant lots of baby cuddles, which led to Kate getting baby fever. I'd never seen her so excited or happy about something, but my heart never changed. I stood my ground when she started asking me to try or to change my mind. We argued about it a few times, and those arguments became weekly screaming matches, and one day, she just stopped bringing it up.

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