Page 21 of Love Fast

She gasps, and I feel her body shift beside me. “Constrained. That’s exactly how I felt in Oregon. It was like I was living in a box and could feel every edge. Every corner. I knew every inch of that box, and if I married Frank, it was all I’d ever know.” She takes a sip of her drink. “I sound ridiculous.”

“I don’t think you sound ridiculous at all.” I can’t say it to her, but I think the way she’s describing her life is kind of poetic. And more than a little sad.

“My mom would definitely think I was being ridiculous. I guess that’s why I’m in Star Falls and not back in Oregon.”

“Because of your mom, not your fiancé?”

She pauses as if she’s really considering my question—like what I’ve asked her is important and she wants to give it due consideration. The way we’re talking, it’s like we’ve known each other years rather than days. “Frank was a meal ticket for her. She knew she’d never have to worry about rent or bills as long as Frank was in the family.” She glances down at her mug, like she doesn’t like what she just admitted.

“She expected him to look after all of you.”

“I think that was his expectation, too.”

“And he was prepared to do that because he really loved you?”

Her eyes stay fixed on her mug. “I feel terrible. I just left. I should have looked him in the eye and told him what I was feeling. Instead, I sent him a text as I boarded my flight. I just knew my mom would force me to go through with it if I stuck around. Once I decided I couldn’t marry him, there was no way back. If I had married him, I would have resented him and my mother for the rest of my life.”

“Couldn’t you just tell your mother you didn’t want to marry Frank?”

She fiddles with the edge of her mug. “You’d think so, right? Problem is, my mom has a way of making me feel guilty unless she gets her way.” She stares into her mug. “She would have told me I was being selfish and reckless, that I would never find a man as good to me as Frank was.” She’s chewing on the inside of her cheek like she thinks her mom might have been right. I have the urge to scoot closer, to tell her she did the right thing. But who the fuck am I to this woman?

“Sounds like she’s more concerned withherhappiness than yours,” I say.

“It’s weird, the farther I am from her, the more differently I see her. I always thought she was just doing whatever she needed to do to make sure our family made it. But now I think she was makingmedo whatevershewanted to make sure our family made it.”

I set my mug on the railing. “Sometimes parents don’t realize the pressure they’re putting on their children,” I say. “Or they don’t think about it.” For years after his death, I wondered how my dad slept at night, knowing he’d taken out loan after loan on the family farm to pay off his gambling debts. Eventually, I realized he wasn’t thinking about us at all. He was only ever thinking about himself.

“Do you think I’ve been selfish?” she asks.

“No.” My voice comes out with a gravelly edge. “It sounds like you escaped a future you didn’t want. That’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation.”

“That’s exactly how it feels.” She scans my face like she’s committing it to memory. “You say that like you know how that feels, too.”

I let out a breath. “Yeah, I know a thing or two about escaping a future I didn’t want.”

“And you didn’t want Star Falls?”

“I didn’t then,” I say. “Right now, there’s no place I’d rather be.” Our eyes lock, and I want to reach across and press my lips against hers. Earlier today—even earlier this evening—it was clear kissing Rosey was the last thing I’m supposed to do, the last thing I’m supposed to want. But in this moment, all the clarity has gone and my mind is full of fog andher. I can’t think of one single reason why I shouldn’t be kissing the woman in front of me.

“Are you cold?” she asks, as I take her mug from her and place it next to mine.

I shake my head and cup her face. “Are you?”

She bites down on her lip. “This is probably a bad idea, but I want to kiss you right now.”

“You’re right, it probably is a bad idea.” I let my hands drop from her face, but she places her palms over them and puts them back.

“But I want you to do it anyway.”

We stare at each other for a few more moments. I try to remember why being here, staring into Rosey’s blue eyes, is a bad idea, but my mind is blank. All I can see is her.

I lean forward. She smells of a pine forest after rain. Her fingers smooth up my chest and my entire body clenches at the feel of her touching me. Part of me knows I should try to resist her, because if I let myself melt into her touch, I’m screwed. I can’t ever remember feeling this way before. Maybe because in New York, it’s easier. All the rules are laid out in front of you: You go on a date. You kiss, you don’t kiss. And then you can disappear back into the city if it doesn’t work out. Things in Star Falls aren’t so simple.

Rosey lifts her face slightly, as if she’s asking for me, and suddenly I remember why I shouldn’t be kissing this woman. The Colorado Club. I’m her goddamn boss.

I’m her goddam boss and she doesn’t know it.

I should tell her, say something. She needs to know. But I’m trying to lie low, stay focused. Kissing Rosey was never part of the plan.

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