Page 62 of Love Fast

She was a puppet master. We were just a game to her.

A huge bubble of grief and pity forms in my chest, and I start thinking about ways Marion can escape. And then it becomes obvious. The Colorado Club needs staff. And they’re offering accommodations. All my sisters could come here and get jobs.

But I can’t get the words out.

For some reason, I don’t want to give Marion my escape route. But I want her to find her own.

“Have you thought about what your options could be? What happened to working your way through community college?” Marion was always an excellent student. Looking back, we all had been. But Mom never encouraged college. Instead, she wanted us to go to work as soon as we could.We’re a team, Mom used to say. We all had to play our parts and contribute as soon as we’d left school. Boyfriends were strongly discouraged. Mom had her eyes on the prize, and the prize was her daughters providing her with an income.

“There’s no way she’s going to let me go to community college.” I want to say, you’re an adult, Marion. You can make your own decisions, but I don’t because I know it won’t help. Even if she knows it’s true, it won’t feel like she has the power or control. I know because I lived it.

“Do you have to tell her?”

“I wouldn’t be able to hide it. I’d have to study and?—”

“You could study in the library,” I say. “Do they have lockers at community college? You could just keep everything there.”

Silence comes from the other end of the phone.

“It seems impossible, right?” I ask.

“Right.”

I know that feeling.

“Could I come and stay with you?”

I exhale. The old me would have said yes right away. I would have seen it as my duty to look after Marion. “Let me think about it. I’m not really set up at the moment. It’s not like I have a place for you to stay. And?—”

“I’ll pay my way. You know I’m a hard worker.”

“It’s not that,” I say. “It’s more that I want you to find your own path out. I want to help you. But you can’t just do what I’m doing. You have to create your own future. Your dream is community college. Let’s try and figure out a way for you to do that.”

She sighs. I know how hopeless she feels. Like there’s no way out. Like she’s trapped. I’ve been there. But somehow I found a way. Marion will too, especially if I help.

“You should look at scholarships,” I say. “Maybe you should think about a college that would offer financial assistance for your room and board.”

“What? You think I should apply to Harvard or something?”

“You made good grades. Did the guidance counselor not talk to you about applying anywhere?”

“Once or twice. She thought I should apply to the University of Oregon. She thought I had a good shot at a full scholarship.”

“But you didn’t apply?” I ask.

“Mom said I’d end up in a ton of debt, with the same job I’d have without a college degree.”

My heart breaks a little more. Shouldn’t a mother encourage her child’s dreams, rather than focus only on herself? I wasted so much time trying to please a woman who didn’t see me as a human. Just someone to serve her.

“Momwouldsay that.”

“She’s got a point. College isn’t meant for everyone.”

“But you’re not everyone—you’re you. College is made for people like you. Hell, I would have liked to have gone to college.” I say it without thinking, but it’s true. I got good grades. I never even considered college because I knew Mom expected me to get a full-time job as soon as possible. A future other than one she’d planned never even occurred to me.

“You used to love poetry, didn’t you?” she asks.

I’d spend hours in the library creating poems. I mentioned going to college for English to my mom once and she’d just laughed. I didn’t bring it up again.

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