Page 56 of The Best Bad Decision

Katy

fucking hell you guys are unhinged

Amie

So… what the fuck do I do?

Lolo

have real sex next time xx

ROO

hard agree

Katy

Save the horse, ride the cowboy, A

I toss my phone down on the mattress and sigh, staring up at the ceiling. A few hours ago, after our goodnight call with Maisy, I lost my ever-loving mind and let Cam watch me fuck my own hand to thoughts of him. I’ve done it every night for months now, so desperate to feel him again that I’m using my own hands as a substitute, but I’ve never let him know. I’ve never let him see.

Until tonight. But he did the same thing. In fact, he was getting himself offbeforeI did. He watched me change with my back to him and that alone was enough to have him fucking his own hand. And the way he looked when I showed him everything… I don’t know where we go from here. I’m so tired of running, but I don’t know if I can stop. Maybe the misunderstanding about being friends wasn’t because he thought we weren’t.

Maybe it’s because he wanted more.

Does he want to be more than just friends? Because I want more. Because every time he makes me feel so seen and valid and worthy, my heart skips a beat. Because every time I see the way he adores our daughter, my whole heart swells with something suspiciously like love. Because every time I think about how we got here—Singapore, cocktails, a bar and then his hotel room against the wall and on the desk and on the bed and in the shower, I want him inside me and on me and all over me, all over again.

We’re in different places, always moving in opposing orbits, pausing only occasionally to collide for just a moment before spinning away again. And we can never be together, because it’s all too much. Becausehis life is in Phoenix, and mine is here, with Maisy. Because one of us always moving is more than enough to keep Maisy unsettled; two of us wouldn’t just upset the apple cart. It would turn it on its head and spill its contents beyond repair.

But I want him. I want him like nothing I’ve ever wanted before. I’ve always wanted him. From the moment he smiled at me to the moment I walked away, I wanted him with a ravenous hunger. The moment I got home from that trip, far beyond tired and desperately, insatiably horny, I used my vibrator and got off to the memory of him. And his face has been the only one in my mind ever since.

I want him. And I’m getting so fucking tired of pretending that I don’t.

The following afternoon, Katy knocks on my front door with a birthday cake in one hand and a dinosaur book for Maisy in the other. Maisy isn’t even here—she’s with my mum this afternoon. Mum took her to give me a chance to go through all of her toys and have a little clear out and tidy up before Christmas, but honestly, after last night, I need some space to clear my head. I adore my daughter, but parenting a three-year-old is nonstop, and right now, I just need the world to slow down a little.

Katy rummages through my kitchen cupboards as I iron a stack of uniform dresses for work. She frowns as she comes up empty, looking at me with hurt in her eyes.

“Amie, where are the KitKats?” She picks up the mug of coffee she’s just made. “You always have KitKats. I need a KitKat. Today is a KitKat day. Fuck it, it’s my birthday, it might even be atwo-KitKat day.”

“I stopped buying them because I need to stop eating them. My hips need me to stop eating them. My hips definitely don’t need me to eatthis cake of yours.” I set the iron down and fold a dress carefully, laying it on top of the previous one before picking up a third and opening it out over the ironing board. Then I bring a forkful of cake to my mouth.

“Oh, come off it,” she scoffs, bringing the mug to her lips and blowing across the surface of the steaming liquid. The aroma of the rich Italian brew fills my kitchen. “You barely gained any weight even when you were pregnant with Maisy. You were a stick then and you’re a stick now.”

“That’s not true,” I insist. “I was twenty-two pounds heavier just before I gave birth.”

“And how much of that was Maisy and the excessive amount of fluid you had?”

“About half.” I duck my head. “Point taken. I still can’t fit into my pre-Maisy jeans though, my hips are forever changed.”

“Cry me a river, A, I’m sure Cam is thrilled with the turn of events.”

“Cam does not get to be thrilled with anything,” I say evenly. “Except with Maisy and being a dad. He and I… well, there is no he and I. There can’t be, there won’t be, and there isn’t.”

“You just keep telling yourself that, love.” Katy smirks into her coffee. “Something tells me that your phone sex adventure the other night was just the beginning.”

“The beginning was four years ago in Singapore. And that was also the end. Nothing can happen between us now, K, you know that.”

“Do I?” My best friend arches a perfectly manicured brow.

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