Page 92 of The Way We Fell

“I love you,” I whisper against her lips. I feel her lashes flutter against my skin, damp with tears that spring to her eyes. “I love you.”

“I loveyou,” she says. “Fuck, I love you. So much. So fucking much.”

She pushes me down onto the bed—this tiny, quiet, mouse of a woman with angel-gold hair and the strength of a fucking ox, and she climbs over me, straddling my hips.

Later, when we’re both drenched in sweat, spent and exhausted, Katy lifts herself off me and rolls onto her side. I tuck her against me, holding her with both arms as her head comes to rest on my chest. I’ve never known peace like this. It’s something I always used to chase, and then resigned myself to never knowing. Something I once thought I wouldn’t live long enough to find.

But here, in the rosy glow of Katy’s bedside lamp, with my sister’s best friend in my arms… I’mfinallyhome.

Chapter forty-eight

Katy

AninstrumentalhomagetoTaylor Swift plays softly from the corner of Ruth’s living room. It looks and smells the way it always has—neutral, stylish decor, vanilla with a hint of coffee and something savoury. Just the way it did last week when I ran here. But it feels different, somehow. It’s an unsettling contrast of familiarity and coldness. I feel safe here, but I don’t quite feelat homeanymore, and I’m all at once devastated and terrified that I might never get that feeling back.

I lean into Jay lightly as he rests one arm against my back, rubbing tiny circles against my hip with his thumb. It’s subtle, but Ruth catches it anyway, eyeing his hand placement for just a moment, before breaking away with a barely imperceptible twitch of her lips. Anyone else might have missed it, but I know Ruth. She invited us all over, promising she was okay with my relationship with her brother, but she still can’t quite look either of us in the eye.

Behind me, Jay leans across to take the phone Cam offers, grinning at something on the screen before handing it back. I shift against him, trying to get comfortable again.

“I’m just glad you’re not hiding anymore. Nice to see you both smiling for real.” Cam takes a long drink from a beer bottle before dangling it casually between his fingers.

“Yeah, I mean, thinking about it, you have been different lately. Smilier.” Paloma shoots me a wink. I smile back. It hasn’t been easy to keep a secret. It never is. Especially one I know will hurt people, like this one has. And especially when it’s one I’m desperate to share with my best friends… like this one.

“It’s never easy to lie to people you love,” Jay says carefully. I can sense the delicate, tactful way he’s trying to choose the right words. “And it just… became a habit for us to not say anything. With Roo working away so much lately, too, it was too easy. We should’ve said something much sooner.” He leans forward to grab his beer from the table, pressing his chest against my back as he does so. My skin prickles with anticipation at the contact.

Annoyance flashes across Ruth’s face for a split second. Just when I think she’s about to protest, she does the opposite.

“I’ve beenbusy,” she insists, a haughty air to the way she tosses her hair over one shoulder. It’s veryRuth.

“Busy getting dicked by Cowboy Boo,” Paloma grins cheekily. Jay splutters on a mouthful of beer and Ruth glares. Cam slaps lightly between Jay’s shoulder blades. It’s a fine to-do; all of my favourite people getting involved in everyone else’s personal business. Just the way it’s always been.

“Something you want to tell me, Roofus?” Jay quirks an eyebrow in his sister’s direction after recovering from his minor choking fit. Even before their fight, I know Ruth was trying to keep her situationship—relationship—whatever-it-is-ship—with Everett quiet. I know she had no plans to say anything to Jay. Not yet, at least.

“Absolutely the fuck not,” Ruth says drily, before downing half a glass of wine like a shot.

Amie walks back in with her shoulders slumped.

“I stole a tampon, Roo,” she announces quietly. “You need to stock up. And your soap is getting low.” Ruth’s face softens as Amie plops herself down on the sofa and cuddles into Cam’s chest. From my seat beside him, I hear the words he whispers as he presses soft kisses into her hair.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he says quietly. “It’ll happen when it’s meant to.”

“Ifit’s meant to,” Amie sighs in response.

I lean harder into Jay and he tightens his hold on me, dropping his lips to the top of my head. I squeeze his hand at my waist as a flash of red streaks across the room. The cushion beside me dips as Paloma squeezes herself in the space between me and Cam, lightly slapping at his hands until he relinquishes his hold on Amie so Paloma can wrap her long arms around her. Ruth follows, crouching in front of the sofa on Amie’s other side, and I join them, kneeling at Amie’s knees, resting my upper body in her lap as the four of us hold each other.

Over our heads, Cam and Jay exchange a look. I feel a hand on my arm, and when I look over, it’s Ruth. She looks me right in the eye and shuffles closer, leaning her head against mine. I find her other hand in the tangle of our limbs and squeeze it. She threads her fingers between mine and slowly, what’s left of the ice begins to thaw.

Four days later, I slip my cool hand into Jay’s warm one as we make the short walk from the bus stop to the intimidating, white-walled building that houses our favourite cocktail bar. A lot has happened in the last few days. I’ve spent a lot of time with Ruth and Paloma, catching up on their lives and all I’ve missed since fighting with Ruth. Ruth and I aren’t quite back to the way we were, but we’re getting closer every day, and my heart is growing a little bigger, a little stronger, every time Ruth texts me a dumb joke or silly selfie. I had no idea how much I really missed her until I didn’t have to anymore, and I hope to god I never have to miss her like that again.

I feel Jay stiffen beside me as the loud music and heavy bass spills through the walls and the closed doors of Pacifica. Flashes of the last time we were here play in my mind; his haunted expression, the smile that never quite reached his eyes. The warmth of his body as I linked my arm with his to stay close in the crowd. I grip his hand tighter.

“We don’t have to do this, love. We can go home instead. Make an excuse.”

“Princess, as long as the night ends with my face buried between your legs and you sayingyes, sir, I don’t care what we do. We’ll do whatever you want. I’m okay. If you want to stay, we’ll stay. It’s girls’ night, after all.”

I shudder involuntarily as my body reminds me of the sensation of having Jay between my legs. His mouth on my pussy, his fingers playing me expertly until I come apart. The way we both loved it when I called him sir, even though I’d never done it before, and it surprised both of us. Just the thought of it is enough to have my pulse racing and my underwear damp, and we haven’t even walked into the club yet. My lips turn up in a smile.

“Girls’ night—with the guys,” I say with a smirk. Cam and Jay are joining us, gatecrashing the regular night out we’ve enjoyed at Pacifica every other month since Maisy was a year old and Amie no longer had to be on hand to breastfeed her. “But, if that’s how you want the night to end, then I should probably tell you I’m planning on a little midnight snack myself,” I whisper, stretching up on my toes to bring my lips to his ear. I flick out my tongue to touch his earlobe and he shudders.

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